Seven Harsh Truths Everybody Needs to Know
A crisis is a wonderful thing. It is only when the proverbial poop hits the fan, that we realize our beliefs about the world are not as sound as we thought. A belief, at its core, is simply a model of how to react to a specific situation. When we first pick up a belief, its something like an instruction manual: ‘if you encounter X, do Y’. Over time, however, beliefs become so ingrained within us that we forget they are just supposed to be roadmaps. Until one day we realize that the terrain has changed and the maps no longer work.
I began realizing this over the last few years as I made a few transitions in my career based on what I thought was sound logic at that time. I had certain (mis)perceptions about myself and the world, and took a few decisions accordingly. To say the least, most of these decisions didn’t pan out as I hoped and I was left searching for answers. As I began articulating my assumptions, I came to a powerful, but unnerving conclusion: I was moving through life on auto-pilot, driven by beliefs that were past their expiry date. Any hope I had of breaking the rut lay in redefining what was true.
And that, dear reader, is how I ended up defining these seven harsh truths for myself. In hindsight, all the lows I experienced were a blessing in disguise because they ended up magnifying the ill-formed assumptions that were leading me away from what I truly wanted. Now I’m sharing this bitter medicine with you, hoping it could cure you of whatever is holding you back. Brace yourselves, because this will not go down easy.
#1 — You are not special
We all believe that no one else possesses the unique mix of talents, thoughts and quirks that we have. Our own actions, we feel, always have sound logic behind them while others are driven mainly by their impulses. Even if you work in a job like the rest of them, watch the same shows, read the same books, and take the same vacations, you still have your quirks that set you totally apart: like your sarcasm, or the way you match your socks with the seam of your shirt. You are also full of BS.
You feel this precious because only you, and no one else, has access to your sick, twisted mind. You live with your thoughts and emotions every waking minute and that’s why no one else can know you as well as you do. But guess what? Others have minds similar to yours and as far as they are concerned, they, not you, are at the center of the universe. This way, all of us are more alike than we care to admit even if we don’t want to be seen as part of a large, homogenous group. Truth is, unless you are Genghis Khan, you are just one among millions.
That said, this fact leads to two empowering realizations. First, if you just try, you can actually get along better with others because you have more in common with them than you care to admit. So stop focusing on minor differences and work with the larger similarities you have. Second, by knowing yourself better, you can know others as well. This can have all sorts of good consequences. Not only will you get along better with others, but you can also find new opportunities. That weird hobby you have? Maybe, there are other people who like that too and you can turn it into a business? After all, you only need a 1,000 true fans. So stop being such a diva and embrace your sameness.
#2 — The world only cares about what you offer, not who you are
Given we see ourselves at the centre of our universe, we expect the world to respond to our efforts and personality in ways that we expect it to. Just because we are deeply passionate about something, or have worked really hard to create something doesn’t mean the world will ‘get’ it. People only care about how you will help them; not how good a person you are.
If you want people to give a damn, start thinking from their point of view. I know from my own experience writing that the quality of my ideas or the correctness of my language doesn’t matter a bit if it’s not what readers want to read. Only recently have I understood the meaning behind what Steven Pressfield, the famous author titled one of his books:
‘Nobody wants to read your shi*t.’
This is not meant to be bring you down or erode your faith in the goodness of people. Rather, it’s to help you realize that like you, everyone has their own fears, hopes and insecurities to deal with. Anything you put out into the world will be evaluated within that context. So develop some empathy and get your head out of the sand. Ask yourself: What am I offering to the world?
#3 — Sometimes things will go wrong even if you do everything right
To be clear, there is no substitute for hard work. The harder you grind, the higher your chances of success. Adages like ‘fortune favours the brave’ rightfully goad us into taking responsibility for our success. But there is a subtext within them that isn’t always apparent: if you fail, its probably your own fault.
If you’ve been around for a while you know that sometimes despite giving it your all, things just don’t go your way. That is just how the universe is ordered. For any specific outcome to happen a lot of variables have to align, not all of them in your control. All you can do is follow the process, day in and day out, because doing so improves your odds of reaching your goal eventually. Remember that you can always tilt the probabilities your way, but can never guarantee a specific outcome.
So what should you do? As Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book ‘The Four Agreements’, the answer is childishly simple:
‘Always do your best’.
The real meaning behind this deceptively simple advice is based on self-compassion. When you know you have given your all, you promise to treat your future self more kindly. You accept that only your actions are in your control. Do your best and let it go.
#4 — Motivation doesn’t work
Motivation feels really good, doesn’t it? Whether it’s watching a famous commencement speech, or reading a bestseller on how to utilize your unfulfilled potential, motivation gets the old dopamine flowing like flooded river. The only hitch? This high never lasts. Before you know it, you are back to your old self, craving another dose of that inspiring stuff as you bemoan your inability to get anything done. When it comes to achieving the results you want, motivation stands no chance because it is up against a formidable opponent: habit.
The painful fact is that no amount of motivation can lead you to your goals unless your habits are aligned in the same direction. Your brain just won’t allow it because it is used to doing things a certain way and has set up its wiring to support those behaviours. That is why before you can hope to achieve a big goal, you have to become the sort of person who achieves those sorts of goals. Our friend Aristotle had it absolutely right when he said this more than two thousand years ago:
‘Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.’
A practical way to enable the right habits comes from Dilbert creator Scott Adams, through his systems vs goals framework. In this approach, the focus is not on a future goal but on dutifully following processes that will eventually lead you there. Systems are not a strategy; they are a way of life. You continue to exercise daily not because you want washboard abs for a beach holiday, but because you are the kind of person who stays in shape. Goals lose their power once you achieve them. Systems change your behaviour for good.
#5 — You will not find your passion
Most people claim they would be happier if they found their passion. The logic usually goes like this: if you found your passion, work will not feel like work and you will get paid for doing the thing you love! Well, here’s the bad news: the whole concept of passion is a lie told by the rich and the successful. Passion is not the holy grail waiting for you at the end of a quest. More likely, it is holding you back from getting anything worthwhile done right now.
Ask yourself: are you looking for an all-consuming activity that you would do for its own sake (true definition of passion) Or do you just want to exceed your current level of success (fame and/or money) doing something that is not as soul-crushing as your job? Most people would happily settle for the second, passion be damned. Be clear on what you want, so that your quest for passion doesn’t become an excuse for prolonging your current state of comfort.
The simple fact is this: you create your own passion by getting really good at something you already know. Your enthusiasm for any pursuit is directly correlated to the success you achieve with it. If you keep churning out painting after painting, or app after app that no one cares about, your passion will fizzle out faster than aspirin in tap water. Develop your skills in something you already do and become the best at it. Because once the money and accolades start rolling in, passion will take care of itself.
#6 — You overvalue present security and undervalue future regret
Times are tough. You have responsibilities. You need experience. You need the money. So you wait to take the first step. Then you get older, and have more experience and money. But your responsibilities have ballooned as well. You’re putting a kid or two through school; you pay installments on the big house and car, plus there are the annual vacations. So you wait…
Sounds familiar? The way we’re wired, most of our behaviors are based on avoidance of pain, real or perceived. Our default orientation is to run away from what is not desirable, rather than reach out for what is. Fear is an ever-present sensation, a gift from our evolutionary past where being too fearless could wipe you out from the gene pool. The dangers of the jungle are now gone, but the fear still remains, making us hesitate whenever we want to break out of the mold. However, as Seneca said:
‘We suffer more in imagination, than in reality.’
Humans are resilient. We have a knack of finding a way out of impossible solutions. Even a premature baby has a will to fight and survive. But we forget this and mistrust our ability to find a way. So we stay put in uneasy comfort. Not knowing that we are setting ourselves for regret, one of the most crushing emotions human feel. When people are on their deathbeds, they don’t regret the things they did. No. They regret what they did not do. So shake thing up. Risk it a little. Even if it doesn’t work out, you will still be here.
#7 — Some people will always have more than you
Where people are in their lives is a function of their circumstances, their aptitude, the work they put in and plain dumb luck. When you compare yourself to others, you are being irrational. Why? Because unless all the variables are exactly the same for you and them, the comparison is baseless. Not even twins born and raised in the same house end up the same. There is just too much randomness in the world and how we individually react to the exact same conditions. So even if you do everything ‘right’, there will still be people who end up with better outcomes than you. That is just how it is. How do you live with this bitter truth?
The way forward has been best articulated by psychologist Jordan Peterson in his book 12 Rules for Life:
‘Compare yourself with who you were yesterday, not with who someone else is today.’
Also remember that you only see a sliver of other people’s lives. You only see the wealth; you don’t see the pain, dysfunction or insecurities. We tend to compare others’ best bits with the average of our lives. No wonder Instagram makes us feel so bad. Understand that the only two things you can control are the vision you set for yourself, and the actions you take to achieve it. If you don’t like where you are today, focus inward. Get better everyday, even if a little bit. Stop playing someone else’s game. Become the best at your own.
