Show Up For Yourself
Showing up. One of the biggest values I was taught growing up. One of the biggest things we desire in employees, partners, friends, everyone. We just want people to show up for us.
But what happens when they don’t show up? What happens when people inevitably let us down?
In my own life recently, I’ve been disappointed by the hard truth that “the only thing we can truly count on is change” and that people come in and out of our life. Not only that, but people do inexplicable things. Nonsensical things. We all do. But a reality I’ve had to face, is that sometimes, when people do these said nonsensical things, they do so with a complete disregard of the impact their choices will have on the people closest to them.
One hard reality of this season of last 19 almost 20 months of my life, is that I have come to accept that sometimes people do inexplicable things with no warning, and no predictability. Human beings are imperfect creatures, and with that reality, comes the inability to not know what comes next, even and especially from our loved ones we cherish and depend on.
Nothing can prepare us for the deep disappointment and grief that comes when someone you love and trust does not show up for you, or worse, not only doesn’t show up, does and says inexplicable things that leave you haunted for months after the fact. That leave you confused and wondering what you possibly could have missed.
That being said, my best friend and person I loved most in this world lashed out suddenly, and then disappeared 19 months ago. From my life and our close friends. No explanations or apologies. Like he never existed.
Absolutely “ghosted”, “gaslighted” or however we call it these days.
Though, this has felt much deeper than ghosting if you really think about it, but that’s for another day. I think by the end of all this, I hope that I’ll have a new invention of a word and phenomenon for whatever has happened with him that I’ll be able to share with you, but for now, I will share what I have learned.
There’s so much I still don’t know, and so many answers I still would love to have, and deeply need at the pit of my gut and in the depths of my heart, but for now, the growth, healing and learning will have to do.
As a result of that, I’ve taken time for myself and I’ve come to learn a great deal during this long period of waiting, wondering, suffering, and ultimately healing and growth.
And the biggest take-away from all this deep learning is the inevitable theme of Showing Up For Yourself that I speak of in this article’s title.
I coined the phrase a few weeks ago during my winter break (I’m an elementary school teacher) when I was thinking to myself He just needs to show up in various ways over the past months but especially the last few weeks for whatever reason. That it hit me….everything I’ve learned in the past months all connects to one idea: Show up for yourself.
Ultimately, you can’t control what others do. In any area of your life. You can’t promise that people will show up for you always. What you can trust? That you can, will, and will choose to show up for yourself daily.
Let me break down this concept a bit more as I understand it and have learned about it. It very well could and will look different for you, but this is how it has and continues to translate for me.
- Show up for yourself in your… physical health
In the past two years, but especially in the last 19 months that I’ve been waiting and wondering and working through, showing up for myself in my physical health has made a huge difference in my life. 2 years ago, my best friend and I did the Whole 30 together, and it made such a huge difference in my life, that I’ve maintained it still for the better part of 2 years. Ultimately, the whole 30 is a body reset, where you eliminate carbs, dairy, alcohol, sugars, etc. to analyze how your body responds especially in terms of sleep, energy, stomach/gut and even emotionally as well. Weight loss is often an added benefit of the Whole 30, and it certainly was for me, since I lost 70 pounds in 3 months.
Ultimately, the whole 30 is a learning exercise, because at the end of the 30 days, you re-introduce those foods back into your diet and see how your body responds. Sometimes, people discover they have a dairy sensitivity, or that when they drink wine, they have less energy or trouble sleeping afterwards.
For me, it was a gamechanger, because it also changed a previously emotional relationship I had with food as well. The progress I made, and the positive changes that came in my life as a result have been incredible. Not only the losing 70 pounds, but the more important idea of showing up for myself and being mindful of diet, exercise, and sleep, and drinking water.
During this time, I’ve maintained a habit of doing my 3 mile walk every day, whole 30 with the occasional cheat day for special holidays or events.
I’ve also incorporated a regular yoga practice into my routines, which I haven’t had since college, which has brought meditation, mindfulness, and wellness into my life as well to pair well with walking and my diet.
I show up for myself every day in my walk, in my diet, and in earlier bedtimes. Habits and routines are critical, and a huge part of showing up for yourself is taking care of your physical health. Whatever that looks like for you.
It may look like going to the gym. Or keto diet. Or no diet. Or yoga.
Show up for yourself in physical health in what’s best for you.
2. Show up for yourself in your…mental health
After my first year of teaching, I started seeing a counselor, and going to therapy has been a huge component of success in my life, and a critical part of showing up for myself in my mental health.
Showing up for my mental health has looked like a variety of things, including mindfulness, journaling, talking to trustworthy friends, saying no to things I don’t want to do or go to, setting boundaries, eliminating toxicity, going to therapy, the list goes on and on.
Ultimately, caring for your mental health is just as critical as caring for your physical health.
A big part of beginning to learn to care for my mental health was first determining the people and things in my life that needed to be eliminated and ultimately not reintroduced (similar whole 30 mindset), and it was such a healing thing for me. In the past 2 years, I’ve let go of quite a few friendships. I’ve had uncomfortable conversations. I’ve set boundaries.
My true friends have respected my boundaries. Those who were benefiting from me not setting boundaries lashed out, walked away, or criticized all these changes in my life. Very much like the friends in the Prime Video movie Brittany Runs a Marathon (2019), I’ve had many “Friends” be very critical and not supportive of my choices to take care of my physical and mental health, and I’ve learned a very important thing, which means that ultimately it says more about them than it does about you.
Brene Brown’s analogy in Daring Greatly comes to mind often. She describes the idea that she doesn’t take feedback from people who are not fighting in the arena and getting beaten up regularly.
Basically, she equates life, and living in courage and vulnerability to be fighting in an arena, and that your true friends or your people, are those people you discover who are back to back with you in the arena, and that those are the friends whose feedback you value, and that you don’t value the feedback from the people “in the stands”, that are throwing tomatoes, screaming, criticizing from the peanut gallery.
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Letting my yes be yes. Finding joy in little things. Those have all been parts of showing up for my mental health. It very well could look different from you. I cannot recommend therapy enough — and how much it teaches you about yourself, gives you a new perspective on situations in your life, helps give you coping strategies and resources, and gives you a caring, objective person to listen and let you share and ask you guiding questions that lead you to making decisions, working through, healing, whatever your goals might be.
3. Show up for yourself in your…spiritual health
Much like the above 2 ways I’ve talked about showing up for yourself, your spiritual health is just as personal. However this looks for you, whether that be your relationship with God, yourself, the Universe….I believe showing up for yourself spiritually is critical.
For me, my faith has been integral and the foundation of everything I’ve done in my life, and it has given me comfort during hard times. My relationship with God guides me, gives me wisdom, and ultimately gives me the deeper hope and unconditional love and direction that keeps me going.
In my daily life, this looks like a quiet time (bible study) every morning or evening. It looks like engaging in Christian community in a small group, and finding a service I like.
It looks like practicing yoga and meditation. It looks like praying often (on my walks, in my journal) and sharing my thoughts, questions and doubts with friends and family I trust. I show up for myself spiritually, and it can and will certainly look different for each individual.
4. Show up for yourself in your…emotional health
Very similar to showing up for mental health, but I think there is a slight nuance here. Obviously all these categories are connected as a holistic part of being a human being, but to me, showing up for my emotional health looks a bit different, but certainly connected to mental health.
For me, as a people pleaser, enneagram 2, INFJ, my disposition leans towards the “need to be needed”, “Loving and helping others” and ultimately pouring into others. I’m an elementary school teacher, and I’ve volunteered with children’s ministry for years, and ultimately I’m a very relational, sensitive, empathetic human being.
That being said, saying no, and taking care of myself and my own emotional needs has really been a foreign concept to me.
Showing up for my own emotional health has looked like going to movies by myself regularly, because that really brings me joy.
It has also looked like reading all kinds of self-help and psychology books and learning so much more since I’ve always been a student as well as a teacher, and would love to go deeper in everything I’ve been learning about myself and life the last 2 years.
It also looks like eliminating toxic people and relationships, and spending time with truly life-giving relationships with my family and my “people”, who I call them. True friends who unconditionally love and know me, and vise versa.
It also has looked like mindfulness coloring, knitting, trying a puzzle, listening to new podcasts and audiobooks, having music on ALL THE TIME, and finding new TV shows to love and obsess over (see a coming post about my deep and undying love for Fleabag and how that has been a huge part of my healing process) and getting organized and making new planners. These are personal things I do that spark joy as Marie Condo says, for me, but it will look remarkably different for you. Or maybe similar! These are just a few ideas.
Setting boundaries has been a key to all five of these categories. Ultimately, you deciding what is okay and what is not. It has been one of the greatest gifts I could give to myself and my life, and one of the deepest learning moments I’ve had, and one of the conversations I find myself having with others over and over again. Showing up for yourself ultimately looks like examining those things in your own life, having conversations with yourself in the mirror, and facing those uncomfortable things, making changes, reflecting, and healing and growing stronger, and moving forward.
5. Show up for yourself in your…professional and intellectual health
A very powerful way of showing up for yourself looks like showing up for your own career, goals and professional life. For me, I spent 2 years subbing as a part of recovering from a traumatic first year of teaching. But ultimately, I invested the time and built up the experience to find the wonderful position at a school I love now.
For me, a big part of professionally showing up for myself looks like taking continuing education classes, earning new endorsements, showing up for my teammates and my coworkers, and bringing the best version of myself and hard work to my team, to my students, and my school every day.
Another way I’ve shown up for myself professionally is starting to write again, with this post. I’ve always been a writer, and I was an English major, and I’ve written novels.
I’ve been dying to get writing again, and I’m grateful to a fellow Medium writer on here for responding to me when I reached out to her asking how she kickstarted her writing career again. I’m grateful that you’re reading my article and hope even one part resonates with you.
I also work as a Starbucks barista (9 years with the company in September!) on weekends, and am working on doing some online tutoring.
All of my work is ultimately writing or relationships in teaching or at Starbucks.
This is what showing up professionally looks like for me. I also show up for myself intellectually constantly by reading, listening to audiobooks, getting myself a NYT subscription, listening to new podcasts, being a part of a book club, participating in theological discussions, and planning and creating events for friends to come together and talk, discuss, and “Galentines Day” type of events that ultimately turn into feminist discussions and really immensely valuable times to connect over huge things like mental health, life, and the news with some of the most amazing and intelligent women I know, that I’ve met through friends and so on.
Show up for yourself professionally and intellectually. Keep going with your career goals. Keep pursuing your dream job. It’s never easy, but the battle, the struggle and the fight for what you want is worth it. It is so worth all the learning, experiences and everything you bring to your next job or your dream job!
All together: Show up for yourself in how you take care of learn to love yourself.
All of these ways of showing up for yourself has ultimately taught me how to take care of and love myself.
It is still very much a journey and very much a process. I am far from perfect and I do struggle still. But ultimately, as a result of one of the most important people in my life not showing up for me, I have learned how to show up for myself, a critical life skill, and a necessary one.
Whether or not my best friend ever shows up again or not. Whether or not friends and family will not show up at the right time or in the way I need (definitely will happen, we are all imperfect, as Boo in Fleabag says, that’s why “they put rubbers on the ends of pencils, because people make mistakes”).
Of course I still hold out hope for my friend to show up, and for conversations, and healing, and answers and reconciliation.
Of course I still believe in people, love people and hope and trust that the people in our lives will stand with us and show up for us when we need them.
But regardless, I have committed to showing up for myself. I am committed to still learning all that means. I am committed to continuing to show up for therapy, to show up for my work, to show up for my friends and family, to show up for my health, and to show up for loving myself.
Make new goals, new habits and routines. Fall, fail, take risks. Learn from your mistakes. Dig deeper. Find joy and gratitude in small things. Love your people. Love your job. Then hate your job, and change jobs. Set boundaries. Break up with friends that are not bringing anything good to your life. Go to therapy. Journal. Take a run. Join a gym. Quit things that aren’t serving you. Find new hobbies. Binge-watch that show you love. Rewatch that movie. Read that book on your night-stand that you’ve been dying to for ages. Take a bubble bath. Buy yourself a coffee. Make a new friend. Listen.
I know ultimately one thing I can always control is showing up for myself. And so can you.
If you take away one thing from my article, I hope it is this.
My dear friend, beautiful human being, show up for yourself.
And please remember….please. Anyone’s inexplicable or hurtful behavior towards you, may or may not have an explanation, but please listen….it took me a year to stop blaming myself and trying to spin and spin and try and figure out what I possibly could have done wrong to “cause” my friend to lash out and disappear. The thing is, I knew in my heart and my gut, I did nothing wrong. I know it was all real. I know what happened.
We were close. We loved each other. He told me and showed me I was the most important person in his life. That he loved me. Right before he disappeared.
Talk about confusing and the kind of mindfuck that is. No other word for it.
Another person’s behavior tells you SO much more about that person than it ever does about you. It tells you about their relationship with themselves, their own toxic patterns, their environment, and where they are at in their life. Let that shit go. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. Be present. Learn from what you can. Take care of yourself. Take care.
You can still care about the person and want to know why and want reconciliation, (or not!) or never want to see someone again, and still have a healthy perspective about that friend, boyfriend/girlfriend or family member’s behavior.
There are people I still love very much but that I’ve chosen not to have in my life anymore because their behavior and choices are toxic and don’t bring anything good to my life. You can still love them and hope for the best for them and move on with your life.
You can hold all the emotions and all of these things in both hands. It’s not one or the other. That’s another big learning.
But one thing you can keep doing….no matter what happens, no matter what you learn, or whatever outcome.
Show up for yourself. Don’t blame yourself for other people’s behavior. You can only control you. You can only control your reactions and responses.
Good things are coming for you. You deciding to show up for yourself is the best decision you can make in your life. Imagine what will happen and the good things that will come in your life when you give yourself the same love, commitment and time that you do to others, your career, etc.
Think about it.
If you don’t show up for you, who will?
