Sledgehammer
Quiet Your Inner Critic and Strengthen Your Inner Sage
About four years ago, I awoke in the pre-dawn hours of my 52nd birthday with a piercing pain reverberating through my chest.
There was no need to call 911; it was not a heart attack. It was the pain that one could only experience by taking an inadvertent knee to the chest while rolling with a friend at my local Jiu-Jitsu Academy (Paulo Riberio Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu).
It was a pain known only to one who is (as Teddy Roosevelt once said):
“Actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
Many might call this foolhardy. My inner critic (a.k.a., “Sledgehammer”) had a field day with me back then. Between the ongoing physiological pain from my bruised rib cage and the psychological beating from Sledgehammer, perhaps a widow making a heart attack would have been preferable.
But then again, I am living one of my dreams: the dream of becoming proficient in a martial art. That dream was initially catalyzed by one of my father’s returning Vietnam War veteran students in the early 1970s. He showed me a few things I could do to defend myself during the street scraps I experienced as a young boy growing up in Brooklyn.
That dream (which has been with me ever since) started to become a reality over four years ago. It’s a dream that is one small expression of my life purpose. It’s a dream that will take some time, effort, and perseverance to fully manifest (should my body last). And, there’s no guarantee that I’ll achieve proficiency. All I can say is that I am enjoying the path (despite the pain).
I write this post today as I am practicing to diminish Sledgehammer’s voice and activate my Sage Powers in a 7-Week online course with Shirzad Chamine. It is Shirzad’s book, Positive Intelligence, that catalyzed my coach training in 2013 and eventual coach certification in 2014 with the Coactive Training Institute.
Since then, the voices of many of my “accomplice saboteurs” have quieted down. One that is still strong is called the “Controller.” My Controller is still robust. He is a willful and confrontational straight-talking SOB who frequently wants to take charge. In my coaching work with nonprofit leaders, a healthy expression of the Controller consist of my willingness to encourage people to take action that may be beyond their comfort zone. On the darker side, I can be intimidating, aggressive (boarding on belligerent), sarcastic, and downright ornery.
And when the Controller teams up with Sledgehammer, the scene can get ugly as it did yesterday. In an exchange with one of my business partners, I was angry and frustrated over a topic we were discussing. Afterward, Sledgehammer hit me upside my head for being that way.
Get the picture.
Thankfully, I am in Shirzad’s course, and I have a very compassionate group of three other coaches in a group that meets weekly to support one another along our respective journeys to be freer of our saboteurs and embrace our sages.
It’s worth saying a bit more about the Judge or Inner Critic (Sledgehammer) here. Shirzad describes the Judge as “the universal Saboteur that afflicts everyone. It is the one that beats you up repeatedly over mistakes or shortcomings, warns you obsessively about future risks, wakes you up in the middle of the night worrying, gets you fixated on what is wrong with others or your life, etc. The Judge is your greatest internal enemy, activates your other top Saboteurs, causes you much of your stress and unhappiness, and reduces your effectiveness.”
Does that resonate with you during these difficult times? It does for me. Sledgehammer is highly activated right now.
However, there is always another way of looking at “challenging” people and circumstances in our lives. More often than not, they are our best teachers. As I reflect back on my own life, I know this. Hindsight is often like that, and it’s not all that helpful when you are berating yourself over some error, handling challenging circumstances, or dealing with a troubling person in the moment.
So, what is one to do? Look for the gift.
That’s right. Even while you are in the midst of dealing with a difficult person or life situation it can be helpful to pause and ask: “What’s the gift here? How can I use this to learn and grow?” Looking for the gift is a Sage power.
For example, in the case of my Jiu-Jitsu practice (four years after the bruised ribs), I am learning to slow down.
Here’s another example. In 2017, Houstonians were hit by one of the worst hurricanes in the city’s history. The result was deluge, death, and destruction. It isn’t easy to see any gift in that. And yet, I saw at least one. There were heroic (and humble) acts of neighbors helping each other. In our increasingly polarized environment in the US, it was gratifying to see the citizens of Houston engage in acts of courage and compassion with one another. That is a gift, and sometimes it takes a natural disaster for such gifts to be recognized.
Not long after Hurrican Harvey, I had the opportunity to practice what I preach. Hurricane Irma made a direct hit in Naples, FL–my hometown. We were out of power for several days with no internet or cell phone service. Water service was disrupted, and the sewer lines were backing up into my house. There was widespread damage to property in my community. Lives were significantly disrupted. And yet, the gifts were there. The folks who stayed came out of their homes and started to clean up immediately. We hosted the children of several families in our home since we had a generator. When the power came back to our house, I lent the generator to a neighbor. I saw similar acts of kindness and support throughout our community.
The main gift for me was that I became aware of how much I take for granted basic electric, water, and sewer service. Since then, I do my best to express gratitude for these seemingly simple (and essential) pleasures. It’s hard for Sledgehammer to beat me up when I am in a state of gratitude.
I can also share that before Hurricane Irma I faced defeat in Las Vegas at the World Master’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Championships. It was a tournament for which I trained relentlessly for months and traveled across the country to compete. I was well prepared and mentally calm as my match approached. In the end, I faced an able opponent whose game was better than mine that day. I lost my first match 2–0. On the Jiu-Jitsu mat as in Thunderdome: “Two men enter, one man leaves.” The following year I competed again and went home empty-handed after having won my first match and lost my second.
You may be wondering, “what’s the gift in all of that?” I asked myself that very same question. What’s the point of traveling nearly 3,000 miles for a 5-minute contest or two? Or, at least, that is what my inner critic was asking at the time. When I paused and reflected upon the experience, the answer(s) came.
The first has to do with honoring the value I call “adventure.” I relish opportunities to set about massive challenges that have uncertain outcomes, up to and including death (like going out to video Hurricane Irma shortly before the eye hit). To train, travel, and compete in my 50’s in a martial arts tournament with the best in the world honors that value.
The second answer has to do with what I learned. Going to the tournament in the first year, I believed that my mind was relatively calm. That was true, up until I stepped onto the mat, and the referee signaled for the fight to begin. In a flash, my focus narrowed, panoramic vision collapsed, and I barely noticed the vigorous coaching voice from my Professor on the sidelines. Five minutes got collapsed into 5 seconds, and I learned how speedy my mind can still be, despite nearly 20years of meditation. Wow! That was a huge discovery, for which I am grateful.
As the Boss says in Cool Hand Luke: “You got to get your mind right.” So, I returned to the cushion (and mat room). I also chose to work with Dr. Eddie O’Connor, who helped me “get my mind right.” What a gift!
In 2019, after the third attempt, I became World Champion in the Master 6, Blue Belt, Lightweight division.
The next time you get frustrated or disappointed with yourself, a person, or circumstance in your life (like with the Coronavirus outbreak), I encourage you to pause and look for the gift. Right now, I can name at least one: my older daughter is home early from college, and my wife and other daughter are teaching and learning from home. This brings our family closer together (including hugs) at this stressful time. That honors another value of mine called “family.”
If you struggle with seeing all people and circumstances as allies, then I invite you to get Shirzad’s book and start quieting your saboteurs and strengthening your sage. You will be more peaceful (and powerful) as a result. That’s a promise.
