How to Negotiate, Get Better Results, and Improve Your Relationships
Jedi Relationship Trick #1: Let the Wookie make the first move
Opera made our house explode.
Let me explain.
My wife Becky loves to sing. She’s taken voice lessons for 10 years, and I’m so impressed that she’s increased her vocal range — by over an octave! (Her secret? It’s the one that Mozart, Stephen King, and a select few have used.) She gets great joy from singing operettas, which means a lot of rehearsals and then some performances.
The conflict
The last few weeks have been difficult for me, what with depression and the recent death of my mother, and Becky has been out of the house a lot because of her upcoming performance. I really needed her support, so I told her how I felt. Then I made a big ask: I need more of your presence in my life right now.
I asked. We argued. It felt like the room was going to explode. Then Becky said a very wise thing:
“We’ve gotten to a bad place and it’s not going to get any better. Let’s talk in the morning. Maybe we’ll think of something.”
Becky and I had stopped arguing while there was still goodwill. When an argument keeps getting worse, stop right now, no matter what. Leave the room if you have to. Do something that relaxes you. Because if you don’t, the hostility will get worse, and it will stay that way for days. (For weeks? Anyone? Yes?)
The resolution
The next morning, an obvious solution popped into my head. Everybody at the opera company has to spend at least 10 hours volunteering, and Becky does much more than is required. So I thought that one solution would be for her to continue singing (which she refuses to give up) but to cut her hours down to the required minimum.
My first thought was to suggest this compromise. But your first idea is not usually your best idea, so I looked for something better. And giving someone more control over the situation always helps.
So I went with my second idea.
I said, “Hey, dear, we need to solve this situation. What would work for you?” and she said, “Yeah, makes sense. Let me think about it.” Later, she came back to me with, “Would it work for you if I only did my minimum commitment for costuming?”
Wow — problem solved. Better yet, it was what I had wanted to propose.
So Jedi Relationship Trick #1 is:
Instead of proposing a solution, start by asking the other person to propose one
When to try this
Using this trick isn’t limited to just your partner. It can be a good solution with just about anybody — friends, relatives, coworkers, even somebody you’ve just met.
Before you do anything, here are some key questions to ask yourself:
- Do I trust this person?
- Has this person been fair to me in the past and shown some interest in being flexible?
- Have our recent interactions been fair to good?
And when should you do this? It’s best to wait until the other person is not stressed or actively angry (at you or anything else).
(Warning: Don’t try this if you think the other person is manipulation or bullying. You’ll lose, and it will hurt.)
The principles behind this “trick”
I say “trick” in quotation marks because it’s not really a trick. It’s not manipulative, either. It’s honest and respectful. It’s a technique that’s based on an important idea:
Say things in a way that the other person will be willing to listen to.
The “trick” — uh, technique — I described earlier greatly decreases the chances that your disagreement will spiral out of control. The other person may agree to your compromise or even come up with one that’s better than what you had thought of. Even if you don’t like their compromise, you’ve gained some goodwill, and you already have your own compromise to offer.
This technique is based on three aspects of human behavior:
- If the first thing a person says sounds angry or aggressive, the other person will escalate things even higher — and then turning the conversation around is almost impossible. On the other hand, this technique begins with goodwill and respect for the other person, and it is often answered in the same way.
- Nobody likes being told what to do. Even when you phrase your proposal first, no matter how reasonably, it’s human nature to hear it as a demand. This technique starts with a question that everyone likes to hear — What would work for you? —followed by silence. The message is clear: I respect you, I’m open to ideas other than my own, and I want to hear what you have to say.
- Everybody likes to be in control of their lives. This technique immediately hands control over to the other person — it’s not total control, but it does give the other person control over what happens next. It also sets the expectation that the current interaction will be a respectful conversation, not a one-sided demand.
Human nature being what it is, no technique guarantees success. But almost always, this one gives better results, and it strengthens your relationships instead of making them worse.
To get better results, you have to use better tools. This is one of them.
