The Dark Side of Gender Equality
As a female tech leader who advocates for equality, I’ve noticed some things about my conduct lately that are questionable.
I’ve noticed four distinct shortcomings I have that keep women from becoming equal to men. Like anyone else, I prefer to believe I’m perfect…but the truth is, I’m flawed.
Regardless, I truly want equality. In addition to seeing judging other’s actions and what contributes to the problem vs. solution, I have to continually look at my own actions. And I’m not proud of these, but if I build awareness within myself, and change, maybe others will too.
Here it goes:
Judging. I’m voting for Hillary. I want to see more female CEOs. Yet, I keep judging Hillary for being unlikable, and I openly judged Marissa Mayer for setting a bad example for parental leave.
I recently listened to ‘Just Shut Up’ by Elisa Kriesinger, creator of the Strong Opinions Loosely Held podcast. I hadn’t heard the terms “upspeak” (or “uptalk”) or “vocal fry,” but since becoming educated on all of the aspects of what makes women’s speech “annoying,” all I do is hear “vocal fry” or “uptalk” from women. And I judge. I want to point it out to them to help but I’d only be making one more paper cut in the death by thousands of paper cuts that paralyze women from speaking up.
Let me count the other ways I’ve judged female colleagues:
- Not speaking up.
- Speaking up without proof points — We all know sharing an opinion without hard data is career suicide for a woman.
- Openly displaying insecurities.
- Apologizing too much.
- Crying at work.
I’ve never made other women feel badly or told them these actions will hold them back — but I’ve judged and felt those actions will hold them back.
What am I going to do? My game plan is to not criticize. I don’t know that I can stop my reaction or judgment, but I can choose to express positive/helpful thoughts. I will encourage women to speak up. I will coach them on presentation techniques and styles, and emphasize communication skills as the utmost importance in growing your career.
Wage wars. I hire people. I hire women and men. Massachusetts recently became the first state to pass a law that makes it illegal to ask about salary history in the interview process. I have relied on this information for employment offers every single time I’ve made an offer. Yet, I know that, on average, women make $0.79 for every $1.00 men make.
By relying on salary history, I’ve actively perpetuated the wage gap by basing job offers on a history riddled with unequal pay.
What am I going to do about this? Instead of asking for salary history, I’m exclusively going to ask for salary expectations. I’ll combine that information with the available compensation dollars, and make the best decision possible. I will not hire the same skills at different incomes for men or women.
Constant self-criticism. There’s a long-held belief that women are harder on ourselves than men are (on themselves). In our open critiques of ourselves, we create a warm welcoming environment for people to critique everything we do.
Sidenote: Oh hey — lookie here — you’re reading an article where I’m openly criticizing myself!
If we’re making a hobby out of criticizing ourselves, it’s easy to create a belief system where we’re not good enough. This creates confidence hits. I’m in a position that many younger women look up to, so if I openly discuss my shortcomings, am I encouraging them to do the same? I personally gain more confidence through my self-awareness, and I work harder if I feel like I’m not good enough… so my self-critique has been a positive motivation for me. But it could easily be detrimental to those less sure of themselves, and just starting out in their careers.
What am I going to do about this? I really struggle with how to make a change here.
I think openly admitting to faults, and allowing others to give feedback, is generally a positive. But there’s a fine line between having a healthy discussion about growth opportunities, and throwing yourself under the bus every chance you get, and inviting other people to drive over your lifeless frame.
My plan is to try and keep the self-critique and self-deprecating humor to how my husband is a better parent, and try and button it up at work. It won’t change my propensity to critique myself, but keeping those thoughts to myself may help many women feel less like they should criticize themselves. This is a work in progress.
Unchanged man-xpectations. I also call this topic: Why the f*ck isn’t my husband getting my car fixed? I grew up with a father who made sure my mother’s car had gas, and got up early to clear the snow off. There’s a lot of talk about how chivalry is dying, or is maybe even dead.
What I’m realizing is the fight for equality is the chivalry killer. But, I haven’t managed to shift my expectations of my husband and men in general.
I appreciate a door being opened. I appreciate a dinner bill being taken care of. I had a tire leak for over a month which resulted in me pumping fix-o-flat into my car in a sketchy area late at night…and I was sure it was my husbands fault. He has a line he’s been using on me:
“Gender equality starts at home.”
I mostly hate this statement, because it’s often pared with an excuse for not having put the toilet seat down. But I have to admit, he has a point. If I truly care about equality, and I want a seat a the proverbial table, should I give up my expectation about the other seat?
The problem is this concept of special treatment, based on historical male/female roles, is still meaningful to me. It’s yet another dark side of gender equality, which is what we have to give up if we truly want to be equal.
I realize it’s not fair for me to continue to hold expectations for chivalrous behavior. This is clearly a more personal slant than professional, but the reality is I’m reinforcing a gender stereotype, and that likely spills into my work relationships with men as well. I can’t remember a time I put my card down when having drinks with coworkers including men; and none of us are actually paying!
