The Flow and Inevitable Fall of Friendships
‘Forever Friends’ was a popular brand when I was growing up. As a child, I was charmed by the cute bears holding hands, enamoured by the idea of sending one of their cards to another girl my age. From the age of seven onwards, I longed to have my own ‘Forever Friend’ that I could send these fluffy beings to, in the hopes that they too would be touched by the symbolism and depth of our friendship.
As we grow up, we realise the idea of ‘Forever Friends’ is somewhat of a childish notion. Real life is often more complex, and we can often find ourselves in situations where even long-standing friendships can be tested.
While everyone is different, some friendships can last the test of time. My mother was one example, who kept a long-term friendship with a neighbour for over 57 years. However, in this modern age, many of us are finding life long friendships are becoming a rarity.
One 2009 study found that people on average, lose about half of their friends every seven years. A lot of the time the reasons that these relationships end is because they simply ‘fizzle out’. As many of us live busy lives, we can just lose contact with each other.
This might seem sad, yet reality can be different than the fantasy of ‘forever friendships’ that we may have harboured in our heads since childhood.
The Seasons of Friendships
Sometimes the end of friendships is inevitable, however at other times, they can happen suddenly and for what seems like no reason at all. There’s a saying that from a poem that, ‘People come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime’. Being aware of this can make a big difference to how you react to the end of friendships.
For so many of us, our friends are important to us as they bring meaning into our world. If we don’t have these friendships, we begin to feel that we’ve done something wrong, or that who we are isn’t good enough.
If you’re a sensitive person, you may internalise this frustration, and make it mean something about yourself. It’s important to maintain your self-esteem when friendships end, as often times it may have nothing to do with us — and everything to do with their perception of us.
With this in mind, we can find a deeper understanding of why we are creating these connections and disconnections in the first place.
Perhaps this person came into our lives at a point in time when we held certain beliefs about life, and over time we have changed, and so are no longer on the same wavelength as the friend who we are saying goodbye to. If we follow the reason, season or lifetime formula, then we can appreciate the time and connection we had with this person and acknowledge it for what it is.
As we go through life, people may judge us and hold perceptions about us based on a version of ourselves they may have met somewhere in the past. This version of ourselves may no longer even exist, and as we continue on our life journey, others may still hold this version of ourselves in their minds — even though we have changed considerably, our friends may have their own judgements, distortions or traumas around who we are. A lot of them have nothing to do with who we actually are.
There are a multitude of reasons why people come in and out of our lives. Once we bring empathy and understanding to our situation, we can begin to accept it and to transform the death of the friendship, allowing it to become fertiliser for any new connections we may make moving forward.
Cultivating New Connections
From my experience of friendships over the years, I’ve found that the best ones are those that naturally and effortlessly emerge in our lives, rather than any we may try to force our way.
Some of my best friendships have also emerged from the ashes of other friendships that fizzled out too. When you begin to accept the flow and change of friendships, it becomes easier to move forward — and to create new ones instead. Knowing that nothing is ever truly lost, we’ve always gained something from any experience or connection that came into our lives, no matter how long it lasted.
Often when we least expect it, a healthy friendship can form once we let go of our expectations of how our friendships should look — and choose to embrace the unexpected.
How To Navigate The Ebb and Flow of Friendships
If we can begin to understand that friendships have a flow to them, just as with anything in life, we can learn to put a lot less pressure on ourselves and others.
It’s expectations in others that can cause some of the conflicts we often experience in friendships and relationships. While it’s healthy to have certain boundaries with others, by taking a more feminine approach, allowing people to either come to or away from us, we can protect our own energy. This allows us to recentre ourselves whenever we feel perplexed or frustrated by how others may treat us.
By following this three step formula, we can begin to enjoy more empowering friendships, without falling into patterns of toxic attachment or detachment:
- Don’t be ‘besties’ — Unless you’ve got a solid friendship of many years, when meeting new people, it’s important to let them show you who they truly are. This takes time, and a willingness to explore the friendship without expectation, along with allowing the dynamic to unfold naturally — while being polite and respectful of each other’s time.
- Invest your time and energy— As with any connection, if we want to enjoy a healthy friendship then we need to put a certain amount of time and energy in to make it work. If we don’t, then we can’t expect to reap any benefits.
- Strengthen your self-worth — By affirming your boundaries and knowing your worth — how you do and don’t want to be treated — only then you can begin to form healthier connections with others. For once your self-worth is strong, then you won’t be affected so much by what others say or do.
When you can enjoy each other’s company, while investing your time and energy into the connection — and recognising your self-worth; all of this is essential for building healthy friendships.
Friendships can bring us so many joyful experiences into our lives, and yet they can also cause us to despair when they fall apart. The emotional attachment or detachment from certain friendships can be painful, but it’s also a time to reflect on our approach to making new friends.
If we can create firm foundations for our friendships, we need to start with ourselves. This means embracing and giving energy to our connections, while allowing ourselves the freedom to explore what the friendship dynamic is truly all about.
Friendships may flow to us and they can be fantastic. However, if they do fall apart with the passage of time, if we can choose to keep our mind open and our sense of self strong — then we now have a way of ensuring that we don’t allow ourselves to fall with them in the process.
