The Other Declutter No One Seems To Be Talking About
And how removing Facebook friends can change your life
A week ago I found a pocket watch that belonged to my great-grandfather. It is an expensive wind-up watch he bought in the late 1930s. He gave it to my father, his grandson, a few months before he passed away. A few years later, my father gave it to me, after I showed interest in the watch.
It feels pretty cool to own a pocket watch, as if part of me lives in the 1930s. But most of all, I love this watch because it reminds me of my great-grandfather and the wonderful time we shared. It reminds me of the man he was. A man who built a life for himself but took care of the rest of his family, first. So the purpose of this watch is not to show the present time, but remind me of the past.
I recently wrote about common misconceptions of minimalism and how to find your own ‘enough’ (see below).
Finding the pocket watch made me think about another aspect of minimalism which no one seems to be talking about.
With the help of Yoda, allow me to explain.
A mental declutter
“If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are…
a different game you should play” ~Yoda
Once you find your ‘enough’, decluttering should be a pretty straightforward process. You get rid of unnecessary items. The easiest way to do this is by examining whether an item contributes anything positive to your life. Unneeded items are different for each and every one of us. For you, it might be an old laptop you never use, and for me it might be an half broken chair I keep because I’m too lazy to take it to the dumpster. It’s usually the stuff we barely ever use.
Each one of us has to go through their own journey of finding what objects provide value to their lives. It’s not easy. There are some items we just can’t get rid off. And there’s a reason for that:
Decluttering is when we remove things from our lives and gain happiness in return.
My great-grandfather’s watch is an item I do not use. It is heavy and requires maintenance. It’s just sitting on the shelf and collecting dust. It doesn’t contain the memories of my great-grandfather. So, should I just throw it away?
We all keep items that have sentimental value. These objects have no use except the emotional value they carry. It’s not the item we care about, it’s the story it tells.
Even wedding rings can be looked at as pieces of gold or metal that have no use. Yet many of us wear them as a symbol of commitment to a loved one.
In order to clearly identify an item’s value, we need to dig deep into ourselves. We need to perform a mental declutter.
The scope of our mental declutter can go even deeper than sorting out our feelings regarding the physical items we hoard, because we tend to stock piles of unresolved feeling, as well. These are feelings we are too afraid to deal with so we bury them deep down. By doing so, we create a mental clutter.
Unresolved feelings lead to suffering
“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” ~Yoda
We all have unresolved feelings.
It might be a person you were always jealous of. You might be holding grudges for the boy who bullied you in school. You might have been the bully yourself.
Finding those unresolved feelings is the first step of a mental declutter.
It requires a lot of self-awareness as well as a strong will to move forward.
Personally, I prefer to write down all the experiences I have not completely dealt with. That way I can get to the bottom of them and start letting go.
Once you manage to acknowledge your unresolved feelings, you will find out that some of them have already disappeared. It’s similar to the feeling you get when you finish re-organizing your closet. Everything seems to be in place and easy to reach.
The next step should be done with a clear goal in mind: to resolve and let go.
Start speaking with those people you owe it to.
- Find a way to apologize if you need to.
- Talk with the ones you never had the courage to speak to.
- Open up to loved ones and tell them what you’ve been longing to share.
Doing so isn’t easy and could take time. But remember: there might not be another chance. Your life is too precious for you to hold back.
A friend of mine had a feud with her father. He dictated every one of her life choices. When she found the courage to make her own decisions he told her he will not forgive her until he dies. Unfortunately, a year later he died a sudden death. That left my friend with mixed feelings. She was still angry with him but regretted not speaking to him their disagreements.
Take the time to figure out where things went wrong and find the reason why you keep carrying this emotional baggage.
It’s always a good idea to get help from a therapist or a close friend, since this is a complicated process.
Step by step, you will get rid of all the unresolved feelings in your life, and you’ll immediately feel happier.
Remove. Unfriend.
“Clear your mind must be, if you are to find the villains behind this plot.” ~Yoda
Part of your mental decluttering is sorting out your relationships.
Relationships are dynamic and change all the time, so observing them for time to time is essential. Your best friend from high school might not be all that great when you hit your 30’s.
Decluttering your relationships may result in removing people from your life, in the same way you remove unneeded items.
There is absolutely no shame in doing so. Removing people from your life does not mean you are running away from your problems.
It’s exactly the opposite.
It’s the people who bring negativity into your life. Those who are not valuable to you and only reduce your happiness.
If you keep those who hurt you around, then you are ignoring your own problems.
Take a moment to reflect on it.
Who are those people who add nothing positive to your life?
If you are unsure, you can make a list of all the people in your life. From family and friends to acquaintances and colleagues.
Write down their names and all the positive and negative points you can possibly think of. If there is anyone who has only negative points, that is who you should say goodbye to. You don’t have to actually say goodbye, though. You can find a way to gradually reduce their involvement in your life.
Here is a simple exercise to help you get started —
Browse through your Facebook friend list and unfriend those you do not want to stay in touch with. Make sure you differentiate between those who you have unresolved feelings with and those you sincerely do not consider important in your life. In the following days after, your news feed on Facebook (uploaded by the people you do care about) will be more valuable than ever.
Removing Facebook friends will provide you the tools to apply the same process outside the virtual world.
If it’s important then keep it
“Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.” ~Yoda
Once you’ve gone through a mental declutter, you can sort your stuff again. Look at your sentimental items. It is that old sweater you wore when your better half asked you out for the first time. It doesn’t fit anymore, but you keep it because it remind you of that magical night. Or the first vinyl record you bought when you were 15. You keep it although you don’t even own a record player anymore because you still feel the thrill you felt back then when you purchased it with your own money. For each item ask yourself this: do I keep it because of an unresolved feeling or does it bring me joy?
There is no absolute wrong or right.
My great-grandfather’s pocket watch is indeed a great reminder of him. Sure, I don’t need the physical item to remember him. But it is like keeping a piece of him with me, at all times. Passing this watch on for future family generations would tell his story, and in many ways — keep his memories alive.
One final thing to remember
The goal of decluttering, physically and mentally, is to free time and space so you can focus on the things and people that matter to you.
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