The Real Reason So Many of us Hate Asking for Help
It can be deeply upsetting, traumatic and stressful to have to ask for help when, at one point in our lives, help didn’t come.
Collectively, we talk about asking for help, why we need to, who needs to ask for it and discuss how it can be difficult for some people in particular. Once worn as a badge of honor, refusing to ask for help has led so many people into deeper suffering — when all they were trying to do was avoid the pain of asking for help again, only to hear a resounding echo from the void.
I’ve read so many quotes that buy into the trust-no-one culture, saying things like, “No one is coming to save you,” “It’s up to you” and other one-liners. It’s almost like a masochistic way of triggering our old wounds enough to use them for material gain later in life. In response to this trauma, mental health professionals develop programs, reading materials and protocols to help people do something very basic — ask for help.
Many of us have experienced asking for help and waiting for something that seemed to never appear. Unfortunately, that pattern runs so deeply within our subconscious that it stays locked there until we decide to take an honest look. That honest look holds the key to undoing years and years of old programming — particularly around asking for help.
As children, many of us felt the pang of fear when we asked for help from our parents or caregivers, only to realize that their help didn’t extend beyond basic physical needs — if we were lucky enough to get that. Growing up without trust in the fundamental flow of life, we find ourselves in darker and darker spaces until we realize that something is so clearly missing. The distress we feel when thinking about asking for help opens up an old wound of intense vulnerability, showing our childlike face to the world — all to no avail.
What I’ve learned from picking myself up from the lowest point of the human experience is that help always comes, we just can’t see it. And, it may come later, after we’ve learned what we needed to. But, when we think that help only comes on a physical level, we will continue the pattern of disappointment while we ask for help only to find that it falls short or doesn’t show up at all.
Another vital component in this equation is our ability to receive; we also have to be able to accept help. This help comes from a force greater than a therapist, parent or treatment facility. I’m not negating the healing abilities of any of those things, but the help that always comes, whether we recognize it or not, comes from source. Often our subconscious patterns from childhood dictate the way in which we hold the capacity to receive — physically and spiritually.
Our ability to receive directly relates to how we feel about ourselves. If we’re asking for help, but hold beliefs that we’re not worthy of receiving that help, it’s difficult to fully accept what we need.
So, when we talk about how vulnerable it is for people to ask for help, we need to go deeper than basic human jargon. We need to address the points at which the help never came, the feelings that didn’t have a chance to come to light and the beliefs we’ve held since that point in time. We need to recognize, honor and experience the trauma of feeling abandoned, voiceless or ridiculed. Not just to reopen a wound but to say to those emotions, “I am here to feel you so that you can be released.”
In order to heal our discomfort around asking for help, we have to be present with the feelings that we swore would never see the light of day. We have to infuse every ounce of our spirit into being there for ourselves. We have to make contact with the help that was there all along — the light from our soul. In order to connect with this light, we have to feel through the intense emotions layered on top of it.
This isn’t to say that the feelings will go away entirely, but it underpins the idea that source is within everything. When we ignore the darkness, packing those emotions into a box, attempting to never address them again, we will continue to lose contact with the most powerful, helpful force of all — the Self.
The Self is help itself. The Self knows the way because it trusts that it isn’t alone. It’s never alone, it can’t be — it’s connected to every atom in the universe. Help comes from the web that you yourself are connected to. Your ego, human self may hang on for dear life to the notion that you’re in this by yourself and that being tough means you take care of everyone else without complaint.
But, deep down, you know better.
Your soul is begging you to wake up, to listen to what you’ve known for lifetimes — you are taken care of and supported at every turn. Every single discomfort or painful experience happened for your growth or as a result of your inability to trust the flow of life. This doesn’t take away from how hard it was or still is currently. It’s a call to let go of the patterns, conditions and experiences that made you feel unloved or unlovable. They were trying to crack you open and help you feel your way all the way back to the light that has never left you.
Asking for help starts with your willingness to get cracked open, sift through the painful moments with unlimited compassion for yourself and your experience. It starts with noticing the way you speak to yourself and questioning where that voice got its role model. It starts with being present with emotions that are deeply uncomfortable. It starts by using these tools to quiet the mind and remembering the fact that you are an incomparable piece of source that is loved beyond what the human mind can comprehend — even when you can’t see it.
When you ask for help, you’re doing more than showing strength. You’re healing lifetimes worth of trauma and aversion to emotions. You’re really asking to reconnect with source and the light within; you’re asking it to guide you, show you the way. And just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. This life extends far beyond the tiny confines of our five senses.
Go back, talk to the child, preteen or adult who didn’t get the physical or emotional support they needed. Hold them, listen to them and tell them that everything is alright and in divine order. Give yourself that same compassion in your life today. Trust in your inherent worthiness of receiving. From things as small as compliments to as impactful as a promotion, receive with open arms and without guilt. Honor the discomfort, feel into it and extend compassion from the limitlessness of your being.
It is here that we heal not only our ability to ask for help, but we heal any aspects of separation from our sacred self. When we connect with, trust and radiate our sacred self outward, we become a magnet to the life we were meant to live. This sacred self is made from the same substance as source — magnetic, abundant, joyful and filled to the brim with love. If like attracts like, this is a vibration you want to be exuding in your life and out into the world.
The sacred self lies beneath the worries, the trauma and the aversion to emotional expression. Have compassion for the human self who fears these things, and choose to transcend anyway. The sacred self has the ability to call on anything it needs.
In the bible, there is a verse in which God says, “All that I have, I give to you.” Spiritual teacher Dr. Wayne Dyer later asked, “And what does ‘all that I have’ leave out? Nothing.” Whatever you need help with, if it comes from a place of love, will come to you if you heal, allow and receive. Be gentle with yourself as you place your trust in a higher power rather than on the physical plane. Replace thoughts of scarcity and separation with sayings like, “All that I need is on its way.” Breathe into that, hold it with your entire being and feel as the very fibers that hold trauma within your body start the process of disintegrating. Feel as the entrenched neuropathways begin to change course towards reconnection with the power that is spirit itself, that is you.
The longer you’ve held a thought process, the deeper the neuropathway. Trust that every aligned, high vibration choice you make makes a difference. One step at a time, your mental and physical experience starts to shift with your commitment to coming back to your true Self. The high vibration frequency of this power cannot be held in a low vibration body or brain, so as you make one conscious choice like this, the light can shine through one atom at a time.
This is who you really are. You just forgot.
