How to be a Good Listener
Hint: Don’t focus on yourself
Your success in life is dependent to a considerable extent on how well you listen. It affects every aspect of your life, from doing business to personal relationships.
In business, not listening to your customers is a sure way to lose them and negatively impact your bottom line. When you don’t listen to your customers, you lose the ability to adapt to their needs.
In your dealings with others, no doubt you have spoken to someone who did not give you their full attention. No matter how often they nodded their head in agreement, you knew they weren’t truly listening. How did it make you feel? Did it motivate you to continue your conversation or open up to the person? On the contrary, it most likely made you want to stop talking to them.
When we communicate with others, we spend about 45 percent of that time listening. It’s estimated that we operate at a listening level of about 25 percent efficiency. Surely then, it’s worthwhile improving your listening skills.
What Is Listening?
Merriam-Webster’s definition of listening is “to hear something with thoughtful attention; give consideration.” In contrast, it defines hearing as the “process, function, or power of perceiving sound; specifically: the special sense by which noises and tones are received as stimuli.” In other words, hearing is involuntary while listening is a voluntary act of making sense of what you hear.
To be a good listener means giving someone your undivided attention, not only with your ears but also with your mind. Listening really is an art!
The Key to Being a Good Listener
The key to becoming a good listener is this: Care for others and show personal interest in them.
You show personal interest in others by listening to them. It shows them that you value their thoughts and feelings. It may even cause them to pay closer attention to what you have to say.
Care for others and show personal interest in them.
Don’t Focus On Yourself
Many people are poor listeners. We’ve all encountered people who only talk about themselves, recounting their experiences, accomplishments, or viewpoints instead of listening to what others have to say.
In contrast, a good listener doesn’t focus on themselves but encourages others to express themselves. You can encourage others to talk by asking appropriate questions. When they answer, really listen. Your thoughtful attention will help them to speak freely. If their answer reveals something about their interests, tactfully inquire further. However, keep in mind that if you bombard the person with too many questions, it could feel more like an interrogation than a conversation.
It’s to be expected that at times we don’t agree with the ideas or viewpoints of others. This is perfectly fine. It’s what makes our world such an amazingly diverse place. Even if you don’t agree with the other person, be gracious in acknowledging their viewpoints. This will reassure them to continue speaking freely with you.
Focus Your Attention and Eliminate Distractions
If you’re one of the 96% of Americans who own a cell phone, you’re likely receiving constant notifications from texts, messaging apps, emails, or social media updates. Also, many use smartwatches that deliver all of those notifications right to their wrist, which can make them even more difficult to ignore. Environmental distractions like these make it harder for you to be a good listener.
A few weeks ago, I was trying to have a conversation with a friend, but every other minute, he kept looking at his watch. Finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked him, “Do you have somewhere to be?” That’s when he noticed what he was doing and apologized for being distracted.
If you’re to be a good listener, you must eliminate distractions. Constantly looking at your phone or smartwatch in the middle of a conversation is rude. It sends a clear signal that what you’re doing on your phone is more important than what the person is saying. It may at times be necessary to put your phone on “do not disturb” or “airplane” mode to give them your undivided attention. Also, resist the temptation to have your phone out while in a conversation. For example, if you’re in a restaurant, avoid placing your phone on the table where you can quickly become distracted by it.
Listen With Your Eyes
Albert Mehrabian, a pioneering researcher in body language, found that communication between two people is about 55 percent visual or nonverbal cues. So to be a good listener, you must listen with your eyes, so to speak. Pay attention to the other person’s body language as it can reveal more than what they’re saying. For example, if you ask someone how they’re doing, and they say “fine” with a frown on their face, they’re clearly not “fine.” In this case, you were able to get a clearer picture from their nonverbal cue than from their verbal response.
Part of being a good listener means resisting the urge to turn your head in the direction of every noise or movement. If your eyes are flooding your mind with distracting information, you will not only miss out on visual cues but on what’s indeed being said.
To most people, being a good listener doesn’t come naturally. However, with practice, anyone can become a good listener.
