The Secret to Handling Criticism
Be Like Teflon (Not Velcro)
When you’re up to something (anything) in the world, you will be criticized. Unless you a solitary monk living alone in a cave many, many miles in the wilderness, you will be criticized, slandered, or worse.
If you are reading this essay, I suspect it has happened to you. I know it has to me, and I confess that for a very long time, I did not handle criticism well. I would take it personally and let it upset me.
Not so much anymore because, thankfully, I came across some wise teachings that helped me ignore or respond to criticism in a more skillful way, rather than react to it unskillfully.
One of those resources is The Meditations of the Emperor Marcus Aurelius Antoninus, a series of personal writings by Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor from 161 to 180 AD, recording his private notes to himself and ideas on Stoic philosophy.
In the Meditations, the Emperor entreats himself (and you) that when receiving criticism from someone, tell yourself that either the other person is correct in which case you can accept the feedback and say: “Thank you. I’ll do better next time.” Or they’re incorrect. In that case, they made a mistake, and you need not accept it. In the latter case, the Emperor would encourage you to keep in mind how many mistakes you’ve made in your life and allow yourself to feel compassion for the critic.
If someone made an error in criticizing you, the Emperor further suggests that you speak directly with them and point out where they may be misguided, but to do so affectionately, without anger in your heart.
If the criticism (whether correct or incorrect) was delivered with unkindness, the Emperor asks you to consider what innate qualities you may have to respond. He advises that as an antidote to unkindness, human beings are endowed with kindness. You can put that kindness to use with the unkind person and see what happens. Very few people can continue to act unkindly to you when you show kindness to them in return.
If the criticism is a result of having trusted an untrustworthy person (as I have done many times), then the Emperor suggests you turn to examine yourself and the error. You can recognize that unreliable, irresponsible, and even evil people exist in the world. To expect not to encounter them is unwise. You can say to yourself, “I have now met one of them, and he fooled me. This is to be expected from time to time.” Then you can remember that any disagreeable action that someone takes only hurts to the extent you react with harmful action in return. It is up to you to be virtuous even with a nonvirtuous person, or as my father used to say: “noblesse oblige.”
Another resource that can help if you find yourself reacting strongly to criticism comes from Don Miguel’s The Four Agreements. The self-help book, published in 1997, offers a code of conduct based on ancient Toltec wisdom that advocates freedom from self-limiting beliefs that cause suffering and limitation.
The Second Agreement says: “Don’t Take Anything Personally.”
Suppose you and a friend are discussing politics. You express an opinion about the current state of affairs, and your friend says: “that’s stupid.” If you take it personally, then perhaps you start to think that you’re stupid. Maybe you even say to yourself: “He’s right. That was stupid of me to say. I often say dumb things. How embarrassing. Does everyone think I’m stupid?”
According to Ruiz, taking anything that anyone else says personally is a trap. It’s a trap because, as soon as you agree, you assume that everything is about “you.” Ruiz rightly points out that during the period of our education (which he calls “domestication”), we learn to think we are responsible for everything. He reminds us that nothing other people say or do is because of us. It is because of themselves.
Even if someone insults or criticizes you directly, it has nothing to do with you. Whatever that person says, whatever he or she does, and the opinions given are according to what they have in their minds, not yours.
When you take things personally, it is YOU that suffers, not the other person. When you do not take things personally, it is YOU that is at peace.
A final resource that I find helpful in dealing with criticism is the Dhammapada. The Dhammapada is a collection of sayings of the Buddha in verse form and one of the most widely read and best known Buddhist scriptures.
A few pithy verses from the Dhammapada that can help in dealing with criticism or other unkindly acts from others are:
- “He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,” — in those who harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease.”
- “He abused me, he beat me, he defeated me, he robbed me,” — in those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred will cease.”
- “For hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule.”
Finally, I’m aware that we (unlike Marcus Arelius or the Buddha) live in a world of cable news and the internet where critics abound. Thankfully, we still have brave souls who are willing to suffer “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” and not retreat into caves in the wilderness.
You are one of these. And for you, I leave you with Teddy Roosevelt’s inimitable and inspiring commentary:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
