Three Reasons to Leave a Cheater
“Sorry” isn’t enough
Matters of the heart are never simple. Yet, when it comes to infidelity in a relationship, make no mistake — emotional abuse is present. Many underestimate the psychological torture inflicted upon the unsuspecting victims of affairs.
If you’ve suffered at the hands of a cheater then you already know that often times the healthiest choice is hard for you to see. Upon discovery of an affair, a tornado of emotions appears. Sadness, hurt, betrayal, anger, frustration, and fear are a few. They cycle through your body and mind like a kettle of hawks.
It is no longer recommended to indulge in offering a “second chance” to unfaithful partners. Cheating is a deal-breaker for many reasons. A full spectrum of trust will never return. Cheaters are often not remorseful and refuse to dedicate themselves to long-term therapy. So, should you stay, or go? It’s endless questions like the following that keep you in tormented limbo:
- Was it me?
- Was I not enough?
- What about the kids?
- What will people think?
- What will happen to me after we part?
And the list goes on. There is something essential to remember. When someone pushes the boundaries this far without consequences, they’ll do it again. The ability to commit an affair is a deep-seated character flaw that reflects on the cheater, not you. You should never accept or internalize responsibility for the cheater’s actions.
The phenomenon of falling in love with a partner’s potential is becoming more common in our culture. Society is beating us into submission on issues like forgiveness and acceptance. This generates and promotes the false hope in relationships that “someday” [insert need or wish not currently met here]. This fantasy is NOT a reason to stay. If an affair has taken place, it is clear you and the cheater never saw eye to eye on what forms a healthy relationship in the first place. You must take care of yourself first.
It is natural to want to preserve the resident picture in your mind for What Could Be. Hope is one of the most potent responses during this time of devastation. Anyone placed in this position wants to believe the cheater is sorry. You want to believe the cheater will make amends, and ensure the safety of the life you pictured with them. Hope becomes so strong in some cases that you’ll ignore your gut feelings. Your mind will make excuses for the cheater to prevent having to leave your comfort zone.
Unfortunately, hope clouds reality.
Let’s dive right into why hope can do more harm than good:
Number One: Recognize the cold, hard truth: The cheater had a choice. They didn’t choose you.
It doesn’t matter if the relationship has lasted three months or thirty-three years. The cheater faced the decision to weigh your well-being versus theirs. You lost. This lack of moral values is a character flaw, not a one-time “accident.” Cheating is a narcissistic act. The number one trait missing in someone with narcissism is empathy.
When an adult decides to violate someone else’s boundaries, they are FULLY AWARE of their actions. If they were unhappy as a committed partner, there were alternative actions they could have taken. These include a difficult conversation, counseling sessions, and divorce. Instead, they opted to take the dishonorable route because it was easier, and it felt good. The cheater decided your emotional health, safety, and feelings didn’t matter. Let that marinate for a little bit.
Number Two: Offense tactics are employed instead of humility.
Odds are, the cheater will deploy one of their “self-preservation” maneuvers upon discovery. The goal is to diffuse the finger-pointing in their direction. It’s a universal kit they all come with, and once the pile hits the fan, they throw at least one of these at you. Accountability is not part of the cheater’s playbook. After all, it doesn’t feel good to take responsibility for bad behavior. (And cheaters have already proven they gravitate toward what feels good)
Blameshifting
They’ll name all the reasons they decided to cheat, and most of those reasons will involve you. Somehow, it’s your fault. Or, they’ll turn the conversation away from their cheating and want to focus on your relationship wrongdoings. Either way, they’ll have YOU defending YOUR integrity in no time.
Gaslighting
They’ll try to cast doubt on accusations, even if there is solid evidence. The end goal for them is to make you believe you are overreacting. Or, better yet, crazy. If they can invalidate you and your feelings in any capacity, they will. This course of action may include slandering your character and telling outright lies. The goal is to take attention away from their dishonorable behavior. Remember, they’re in survival mode.
Faux apologies
Sometimes, the cheater will try to appease you to promote the “Let’s Move Past This” stage. It appears as a grand emotional gesture. Fake empathy. Tears. Sometimes there’s begging. The cheater even gets down on their knees! Please forgive me; I don’t know what I was thinking. It will never happen again. You’re the love of my life.
They use these tactics because they work. Cheaters will use your vulnerability to distract and deflect. They know exactly what you want to hear. Remember, nobody wants to admit they’ve kicked the sanctity of commitment in the face! The cheater will try to save face at all costs — even at the expense of your sanity and emotional well-being.
Number Three: Actions are not matching words.
It is vital to distinguish between genuine remorse versus regret (for getting caught).
Here are some questions you need to consider:
- Is the cheater willing to humble themselves to the point of complete transparency? Are they willing to give up all affair partners? Change jobs, cars, phone numbers, passwords, etc.? Did they come up with this idea ON THEIR OWN? If not, this will show they don’t understand your needs during this time.
- Did the cheater call a therapist ON THEIR OWN to sort out their issues? Did they suggest a desire to do marriage counseling and seek out a counselor ON THEIR OWN? Do they want to regain the trust they lost?
- Has the cheater done whatever they can to empathize with you? Have they listened to you? Consoled you? And, have they reassured you that they are willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust? ON THEIR OWN? Is their shame and humility visible in their daily practice?
The common denominator is ON THEIR OWN.
- If you are spending any amount of time convincing the cheater of the importance of your needs, then no.
- If you are dragging the cheater to therapy appointments, then no.
- If the cheater is still acting shady and proclaiming the right to privacy? Then NO.
A remorseful cheater will recognize their character deficit and seek help. The road to change is bumpy, untrodden, and uphill. The cheater has a lot of humbling, shame-ridden work to do through long-term therapy. They need to be willing to expose their vulnerable side to a therapist that can guide them. In the end, becoming a healthier individual is a present for themselves. However, this is a long-term commitment and not an undertaking that feels good! Sadly, we already know cheaters gravitate toward instant gratification.
John Wayne uttered, “Sorry don’t get it done, dude” in his 1959 film, Rio Bravo. He said this right after his drunk deputy punched him for the second time and apologized. Kudos to you, John, for giving that hot mess a second chance. But, look at how it worked out.
One of the hardest things you will face is reinventing a life that was ripped away from you without your consent. It is unimaginable after total upheaval and emotional chaos. Tearing down and picking up the pieces of the life you thought you were on track to living is painful. But, creating a new image in which you find peace and emotional safety is the ultimate reward. Real growth doesn’t happen without the pain of leaving a comfort zone.
Take it from John: Nobody likes getting punched twice.
