Three Types of Men
Lessons learned from a former Enabler
I’ve learned in recent years that there are three types of men in the world: Allies, Oppressors, and Enablers.
Okay, yes, I realize that it may not seem fair to bucket billions of people into three categories. And I also realize that these buckets apply to women as well (hence the subtitle). All models are wrong, but some are useful. Hopefully this one is useful.
The Allies
Some men look at me in the eyes and are able to see the warrior inside. They look past the color of my skin and the length of my hair. I’ve been lucky to have worked with or reported to many men like this in my career. My manager at Palantir was one of these men. When it came time for performance reviews, he gave me a bonus because he thought I deserved it, even though I didn’t ask for it. He challenged me on my personal reflection when he thought that I was being too critical of myself. I loved that he always gave me clear goals and allowed me to exceed his expectations. At Palantir, I worked with many men who belonged in this group, most of whom were not my managers but served as project leads on projects I was working on. They made a point to showcase my work to others on the team, called out my name in meetings to ask me for my opinion, and often asked me to sit at the table when I voluntarily chose to sit in the back of the room. After Palantir, I worked at a startup called MetaMind as an early engineer. When the #metoo movement came out, my boss sat me down and told me “If anything like that happens to you, I don’t care who it is or how important they are, you come and tell me, okay? I’m a feminist, and I want you to know that kind of behavior is not okay with me.” I think that was the first time I heard a man declare himself a feminist. I felt deeply grateful and supported by his words.
What characterizes this first group of men is that they recognize and acknowledge the challenges that women face in the workplace. These men don’t just take a back seat or throw their hands up and proclaim that the societal gender bias isn’t their fault (even though it isn’t). They’ve taken it upon themselves to be an agent for change and show up differently. These men are Allies.
The Oppressors
I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what I do or achieve, this group of men will see what they want to see — that women don’t belong at the top.
Then there’s the second group of men. These are the men who told me that I had no experience to deserve the job I had — at a time when I had built a deep tech company from scratch, raised $22M of venture capital, hired and managed a team of 50, and successfully negotiated numerous unprecedented deals and partnerships. These are men who told me and my female cofounder that we just “lucked” into our success, that we “built a technology and woke up one day and realized we had a company.” One of these men once called me inexperienced by stating that I “started the business after finishing my doctoral degree.” In response, I pointed out the facts — that I had actually worked for two reputable companies and had many years of work experience under my belt before starting the business. I questioned where he got his impression if it wasn’t based on facts. He brushed off the inaccuracies of his statement and moved on. Men in this group don’t want to acknowledge my accomplishments. They look at me and see a “young lady” who is over her head despite everything she’s achieved, who doesn’t deserve the recognition that she’s received. I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter what I do or achieve, this group of men will see what they want to see — that women don’t belong at the top. They hold a deeply entrenched and backwards belief that women should be agreeable, supportive, and follow. I call this group the Oppressors.
The oppressive behavior I’ve experienced often came from good people I adored and trusted, from men who were kind and reasonable, from men who were well respected by others.
Oppressors would be easy to spot if they had an aggressive demeanor and walked around shouting at women. But most Oppressors are charming, warm people who hold doors open for women. The oppressive behavior I’ve experienced often came from good people I adored and trusted, from men who were kind and reasonable, from men who were well respected by others. That’s why it’s so hard to recognize inappropriate behavior when it happens, and why we’re so tempted to make excuses for them. Many Oppressors don’t even realize that they’re behaving inappropriately. They’ve been on top of the pyramid their entire lives and they believe they have a right to behave any way they want. Their ego prevents them from being able to see their prejudices, and they surround themselves with men and women who are willing to be blind with them. As Rep. Ocasio-Ortez pointed out recently in her powerful speech, men in this group often mention their daughters because they think it protects them from being sexist. I’ve had similar experiences with men who like to tell me about their daughters as a way to imply that they’ll treat me well. We all need to realize that a man can have daughters and still hold prejudices about a woman’s qualifications in the workplace. Treating a woman like she’s your daughter is not a sign of workplace respect. I don’t want to be treated like I’m your daughter at work.
Treating a woman like your daughter is not a sign of workplace respect.
If you’re neither an Ally nor an Oppressor, then you’re an Enabler
It turns out, the choices and actions of the Enablers are the most important of all.
Most men I come across are not Oppressors. When I tell my male friends about my experiences, more often than not, their jaw drops in shock. However, many believe that the Oppressors are few and far in between, or that there’s nothing they can really do about them. Some feel afraid to be grouped together with the Oppressors and distance themselves in silence. These men represent a much broader third group I call the Enablers.
This third group of men is often well-meaning. They come from a place of believing in equal opportunity and where they don’t feel the slightest hint of sexism. They see past my face into the person I am, and they acknowledge my accomplishments as much as they acknowledge a man’s accomplishments. However, they also come from a place of privileged ignorance. This third group continues to live their lives in denial of the career roadblocks women have to navigate around when they find themselves in the presence of a powerful Oppressor. Too often, when men in this third group observe their friends, colleagues, and managers exhibit disrespectful behavior against women, they make excuses for them. They deny the existence of the oppressors. Consciously or subconsciously, this denial comes from a place of not wanting to overthrow a status quo that serves themselves personally, not wanting to jeopardize their social and professional network by standing up against injustice.
While some might argue that there might be subgroups of Enablers who come from different places of intent, it’s important to recognize that the effect of this silence and inaction is the same: support for the status quo and to allow oppressors to continue their behavior.
Too often the public rhetoric around gender is made to antagonize women against men. We create a false dichotomy to imply that either (a) all men are in the oppressive group or (b) that the oppressive group doesn’t exist. The danger of the false dichotomy is that many well-meaning men feel indicted for something they didn’t do, attacked for something they don’t believe in, and feeling paralyzed as a result. While this paralysis is understandable, by not doing anything or denying the existence of Oppressors, Enablers are actually condoning the system and world they live in. While some might argue that there might be subgroups of Enablers who come from different places of intent, it’s important to recognize that the effect of this silence and inaction is the same: support for the status quo and to allow Oppressors to continue their behavior. Here’s the thing: Oppressors don’t keep the system going; Enablers do. Enablers greatly outnumber Oppressors. By ignoring the actions of the Oppressors, we send a message that they can stay in power by continuing to behave the way they do. It turns out, the choices and actions of the Enablers are the most important of all.
Oppressors don’t keep the system going; Enablers do.
It’s time to show up as an Ally
For many years, I too showed up as an Enabler.
For many years, I too showed up as an Enabler. When men put me down or treated me and my cofounder with disrespect, I stayed silent and chose to not fight that battle. I think deep down I didn’t want to feel the heartbreak and anger that comes from acknowledging the Oppressors. Maybe I didn’t want to push back against someone I respected and call them out for their words or actions. Maybe I wanted to be successful so badly and feared retaliation so much so that I sacrificed my own values. Or maybe I didn’t want to be judged as “that annoying loud feminist.” When I finally woke up from this way of living, I realized that so many women also show up as Enablers, especially those who work with or report to these powerful Oppressors. Women and men can also show up as Allies in certain moments, and show up as Enablers in other moments. There were times when I championed women in my company to get them what they deserved or give them a voice at the table, while simultaneously allowing oppressive behavior towards me by more powerful men. We are all Enablers when we fail to hold inappropriate behavior accountable; when we enable the oppressive behavior to continue. True allyship requires the courage to stand behind what is right in each and every moment.
Women and men can show up as Allies in certain moments, and show up as Enablers in other moments.
To the well-meaning men and women who still walk through the world as silent Enablers, either out of ignorance or out of fear for change: please open your eyes and begin to recognize the Oppressors around you. We live in a world where so many men in power are still Oppressors. We need more powerful men to become Allies, to seek to listen and understand how a woman’s life is affected by Oppressors and to ask yourself how you can help to counteract this effect. You have the power and privilege you can use to create a better world for your sons and daughters. By showing up as an ally, you’ll stand on the right side of history and build a loyal following of women. Women like me would follow you and fight with you to the end of the earth.
