Treat Yourself the Way You Want Others to Treat You
Are you someone who criticizes yourself in everything that you do?
Do you bring yourself down in the face of failure or inadequacy?
Do you constantly dwell on experiences that go wrong and punish yourself for their outcome?
If so, has any of the negative self-talk and -portrayal helped you improve your emotions and actions in the long run?
For many of us, the answer is NO. And if you are one of them, I invite you to read this article.
We are Wired to Treat Ourselves like S***T.
Human beings tend to be very self-critical. In the face of hardship, it is our nature to place our focus on what we did wrong and the negative feelings that stemmed from the experience.
Think about it… In the face of failure and pain, we treat ourselves in ways we would never treat others. Not our friends, and in cases, not even our enemies.
So why not treat ourselves with understanding and kindness instead? Because we are wired to treat ourselves like s***t.
Here’s how to END these self-destructive behaviors.
“Remember you’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. ” Louise L. Hay
Self-Compassion
In simple words…
Self-compassion is acknowledging and accepting your experiences; and embracing yourself with kindness when the experiences are painful (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016).
The Benefits
Being self-compassionate helps you become resilient in the face of adversity and strong in the face of failure. It gives you “the ability to learn from your mistakes and bounce back with greater enthusiasm” (Emma Seppala, The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion, Stanford Medicine).
How to Practice Self-Compassion:
There are three main components to self-compassion. Self-kindness, a sense common humanity and mindfulness (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016). It is through the exploration and practice of these 3 facets that you can become a self-compassionate individual.
1. Self-Kindness
It is a natural part of life to experience feelings of pain, sadness, and failure. Self-compassion recognizes that these emotions should be acknowledged, accepted, and experienced; but as well, embraced with self-kindness and tenderness (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016).
When practicing self-kindness, think of yourself as your best friend. In moments of hardship, treat yourself as you would your best friend if he/she were living through that same experience.
2. Common Humanity
Self-judgment often leads to isolation. When experiencing shortcomings we tend to feel isolated because we think that our struggles are abnormal compared to others (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016).
Developing a sense of common humanity helps you gain perspective. It allows you to see your imperfections and shortcomings as part of the larger human experience.
Make a conscious effort to remember that the present moment is just another page in the book of your life, inside the world’s library. Overcoming an experience is just a matter of turning the page to a write a new and better story.
3. Mindfulness
Self-compassion recognizes that pain and suffering are part of human nature. And being mindful is being aware of those emotions in a balanced manner. Meaning you neither ignore nor ponder on what you dislike from your experience (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016). You simply accept it for what it is and give it the space it needs to develop and eventually perspire.
“By recognizing that your thoughts and feelings are just that –thoughts and feelings, mindfulness helps you to drop the dramatic storylines about your inadequacies and past failures, and gain a more balanced perfective of the self” (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016)
Still not sure if treating yourself with kindness can become your cup of tea?
That’s OK. We’ve been taught otherwise. It takes re-wiring in our minds to fully understand this practice.
So, lets drop the common belief that if you aren’t punishing yourself for your negative choices, you’ll become complacent, unmotivated, and weak; and lets gain more clarity on what self compassion is by addressing what it is not.
Self-compassion is NOT:
Self-Pity.
Self-compassion is not feeling sorry about yourself. On the contrary self-compassion helps you move past self-pitying thoughts more fully and efficiently.
This is because self-compassionate people are more willing to accept and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness. This allows them to fully and effectively overcome the negative experience.
Weakness and Complacency.
Self-compassion is not weakness. The truth is that rejecting or resisting transpiring emotions can only make you weaker (not stronger), and as a result, lead you to more pain.
Self-compassion is not complacency either. You don’t have to punish yourself in order to be motivated or be productive. While this may work for a few, it is not a fact, and it doesn’t work for everyone.
Self-compassion helps you see beyond the lens of harsh self-judgment, and reach a state in which you want everyone, including yourself, to be as healthy and happy as possible. (Kristin Neff, The Five Myths of Self-Compassion, Greater Good Magazine, 2015).
Selfishness.
We tend to think spending time treating ourselves with kindness and understanding can be selfish. But how is using that same time and energy to mistreat and judge ourselves selfless? It is not! In fact, beating ourselves can be a paradoxical form of self-centeredness (Kristin Neff, The Five Myths of Self-Compassion, Greater Good Magazine, 2015).
Plus…
It is when you are happy and fulfilled with yourself, that you can offer much more to others.
Unlike self-judgment, self-compassion helps you bounce back to a state of self-acceptance and peace much quicker. Allowing you to be more attentive and supportive to others (Ivtzan and Lomas, 2016).
As a school teacher, I have found this to be especially true in my classroom. Dealing with children with diverse personalities exhausts my energy, and at times, spoils my mood. But being harsh to myself leads to more classroom misbehavior and the inability to understand where it is coming from. Being self-compassionate, however, helps me move past those feelings quicker and allows me to identify the students’ needs.
My Take Away From My Experience
Choosing to punish and mistreat yourself for emotions that are natural to our human nature, is counterproductive. It often leads you to feel more insecure and inadequate. Whereas treating yourself with compassion in the face of hardship, changes your thinking patterns and improves the way you see yourself.
The better you portray yourself, the more positive emotions and thoughts you’ll generate to the universe.
And…
New thoughts lead to new behaviors.
New behaviors lead to new habits.
New habits lead to a better, healthier, and happier you.
Laura Jaramillo
I hope you enjoyed the article! If you plan to begin the practice of self-compassion, I can tell you that it has worked wonders for me. I hope it does the same for you! Never forget you’re worthy, and remember that your thoughts and words can be powerful. So use them wisely!
Check out my new article on goal setting!
Works Cited
Neff, Kristin. “The Five Myths of Self-Compassion.” Greater Good, 30 Sept. 2016, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_five_myths_of_self_compassion#gsc.tab=0.
Ivtzan, Itai, and Tim Lomas. Mindfulness in Positive Psychology: the Science of Meditation and Wellbeing. Routledge, 2016.
Seppala, Dr. Emma, and About Dr. Emma SeppalaEmma Seppälä, Ph.D, is Science Director of Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education and the author of The Happiness Track (HarperOne, 2016). “The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion.” The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, 27 June 2017, ccare.stanford.edu/uncategorized/the-scientific-benefits-of-self-compassion-infographic/.
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