How I Cut the Noise Out
Understanding the Reality of Perceptions
Ever had those moments where you’re trying to communicate with someone and they misinterpret where you’re coming from? And it doesn’t just end at inordinately long pauses and awkward glares… Being the emotionally-led beings people are, your audience will probably mentally tie you to this unpleasant interaction and form a (mostly unfavorable) opinion of you.
I have spent way too long trying to re-communicate things that have been misinterpreted and way too long trying to change people’s opinions about me. I hate to admit it but I did this even when they didn’t have much stake in my life. I have also spent way too long worrying about how people see me because, for the longest time, I saw myself through their eyes too.
It took a great book by Daniel Kahneman (Thinking, Fast and Slow) and a few weekends of deep introspection for me to realize that I was wrong.
“Their” perception is not my reality. It is not reality at all.
While our perceptions act as a lens through which we view reality, they are largely influenced by our individual experiences, knowledge, emotions, preconceived notions and interests. On the other hand, “Reality” is self-sufficient, objective and not subject to human convention and decisions. Understanding this distinction was my point of inflection.
Kahneman explains this succinctly through a simple test of Cognitive Bias.
Chances are you read the left image as “ABC” and the right one as “12, 13, 14”. On closer inspection, you will notice that the character “B” in the left image is the same as the one for “13” in the right image.
Still, our mind was quick to read the same character differently as our tendency to read our ABCs and numbers informed our “perception of reality”.
We ascribe value to characters and situations and fit them to our context and notions. I often wonder how much this ability of ours holds us back but that’s a question for another time.
Armed with this knowledge, I created a plan for myself. A checklist of sorts to help me wade through other people’s perceptions of me.
Here are the things I remind myself of whenever (and as many times as) I need to hear them.
1. Look at yourself with kinder eyes and have confidence in who you are
Someone’s opinion of you may be the result of whatever limited interaction they’ve had with you. If an opportunity to seek resolution comes up organically, then maybe take the time to clear things but don’t feel pressured to do so. Remember, you are not their perception of you.
2. Reputation is built by repetition. Be patient through this process
People form first impressions, but they also tend to change them given enough evidence. You will get opportunities to exhibit your true self and your strengths. As the saying goes — “Through patience, great things are accomplished.”
3. Always be ready to challenge your perception
You know yourself better than anyone but be willing to take constructive criticism. Sometimes, even strangers can bring in fresh insight to ourselves and help us identify gaps we never knew existed.
4. Focus on your goals and eliminate distractions
It is not always possible to make everyone happy. So, start with yourself. List your goals and vision, create a plan and then design your environment to help you bring that vision to life. Don’t be distracted by what people think or say about you. Instead, invest that “investigative” energy into your goals.
5. Create your inner circle
I can’t stress the importance of having family, friends and mentors guide you through your journey. They are perhaps the only people who can help you take-off and keep you grounded at the same time.
6. Treat people the way you want to be treated
Don’t be too quick to judge someone even if they don’t have the best opinion of you. Continue being yourself and repaying every interaction with kindness.
When the going does get tough, I hope this list serves you as a reminder that you are more than what they see in you. And I hope you take care and look after yourself.
“You presume you are a small entity, but within you is enfolded the entire Universe. What you seek is within you, if only you reflect.”
-Imam Ali
