What a Master’s Degree in Conflict Resolution really gave me
Tilted heads, sometimes scoffs, and usually blank stares are how most people react when they hear my education. Their concern, disbelief, and confusion are valid. There is no set job or career path from this education. Some go on to be mediators, policy makers, or lawyers. I had bright hopes of working towards world peace; as I studied the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that hope dulled. Instead, I focus my work for peace within my own family and community.
No matter what path we take, we run into conflict. You fight with your family, your spouse, your neighbors, coworkers, your boss, your customers, vendors, and yourself. Our hearts are prone to war. Here’s what I learned about how to not be a jerk.
Self-Dissection
I’m not an expert. I wish I had the Jedi mind control power to subdue an angry heart or calm a riot. I become angry. In frustration, I sometimes think all the methods/theories I learned are full of crap. Wars rage on. There are times when I offend others and act poorly. Despite these realities, I’ve learned and I’m learning to self-dissect.
The phrase, used to, is not meant to imply that I’ve changed and been fixed. It’s an aspiration. I used to be extremely sarcastic. I relished being able to formulate a quick snarky jab and undercut another. My first roommate called me out on it and later others followed. I used to be self-righteous. I prided myself on my moral code. My religious ideas at times clouded my willingness to humbly listen and learn from others. I say others, but I mean people just like me, people — complex souls capable of being good and evil. This self-dissecting and cutting process is not easy. It is why you see countless articles about the benefits of meditation and travel. Getting outside of yourself, helps you see yourself. You often cannot see your culture or how different you really are until you are confronted with another.
Dig deep into yourself. Why do you think what you think? How has your culture — your values, symbols, idea of what is sacred and morally right affected you? Pause and consider your ways.
Strategies for Peace
When faced with any conflict, we can choose our approach. We can work to manage it, resolve it, or transform it. Imagine you’re a parent and your two children are fighting over a toy in the backseat of your car. How would you respond?
First dissect yourself or as Ice Cube raps, “You better check yo self before yo wreck yourself.” Do you love your kids? Do you want them to be happy, healthy, and harmonious? What is your ideal solution? Perhaps you want your children to get along, be kind to each other and enjoy the toy you purchased.
Manage
You can manage it. Conflict management is trying to control or cope with the conflict. You may separate your kids or remove the toy entirely. You may shift your mirror and turn up the radio attempting to block out the fight until you can get them out of the car and home.
Resolve
You can resolve it. Conflict resolution is trying to find a course of action which will benefit the parties. You may decide each kid receives 10 minutes to play with the toy. You may return to the store and purchase another toy so both kids have equal toys.
Transform
You can transform it. Conflict transformation is addressing the conditions that led the kids to fight. You help the kids to see and appreciate their sibling. You instill within them the responsibility to want to work out their own problem with their sibling. Sounds easy right? It’s not.
These three strategies are not mutually exclusive and you should not assume you can transform or resolve every conflict. We have police officers and the armed forces for a reason; at times it is essential to manage a conflict. At times you may need to end a relationship and or avoid another person. You can set boundaries and define rules. You can also see the person you’re in conflict with as valuable, worthy of your respect, and maybe even forgive them. You cannot control another person and how they think or act. You can only work to control how you choose to feel about them and see them. These thoughts and feelings in turn will dictate your actions.
Now, when I share my education, I’m used to the responses. I’m grateful that my studies got me out of the library and computer lab and into conversation circles with people unlike me. It exploded my worldview. An ember of hope remains for world peace and for the Holy Land people I love. Not being a jerk takes work and I’m still figuring out how to be better.
