What I Learned from Three of the Best Negotiation Books

According to the FBI lead negotiator, the Director of Harvard Negotiation Project, and the Founder of the Harvard International Negotiation Program.

Negotiation (Unsplash)

Recently I read three books on negotiation:

• Getting to Yes: by the former Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project
• Never Split the Difference: by the FBI’s lead international kidnapping negotiator (a position held by only one person at a time)
• Negotiating the Non-Negotiable: by the founder and Director of the Harvard International Negotiation Program

The takeaways from each are useful independently, but even more interesting when interwoven. So, here is what I learned about negotiation from these experts. Hopefully it helps you achieve more from your next negotiation.

Preparing

Much of how you engage in a negotiation will be based on how well you prep independently before hand. Here are some places to start.

Get in your partner’s head

A successful negotiation calls for radical empathy. Getting into your partner’s head will help you get closer to what you want by imagining the situation as they would.

Here’s a set of questions you should answer on your own to better understand your partner’s mindset:

• What are our shared interests?
• What might they think to be true about me (negative)?
• What might they think to be true about me (positive)?
• Who will cheer them for this decision?
• Who will judge them for this decision?
• What do they most care about?
• What are they scared of (ex. social scorn)?
• What do they most desire (ex. social praise)?
• Which outcome will make them look good (and importantly, good to whom)?

Finally, consider how you can make this decision easy for them. Brainstorm solutions which make them look good, consider and serve their top interests, and limit time spent negotiating.

Know your Interests, Wants, Needs

BATNA
Your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. In other words, what you’ll do if this negotiation fails to meet your interests. Do your research, otherwise you risk being overly or underly optimistic about your other options.

If this negotiation falls through, I will do X opportunity. X opportunity is available to me with Y certainty.

Interests
Rather than a specific desired outcome, consider which of your interests are fuelling that desired outcome.

Ex. My deeper interests, really:

• Career progression that’s visible both internally and externally
• Equity percentage that is fair compared to my colleagues
• Compensation that’s market rate, and not below Y colleague in a similar role
• A new challenge that flexes muscles I haven’t used before

Floor
Based on your BATNA and interests, what is the minimum offer you can accept?

No deal is usually better than a bad deal.

Ex. Here is the minimum I’d like to walk away with:

• Promotion with a X-level title
• Y % equity (based on Angellist average of equity for startup employees)
• Z salary (based on market rate for my promoted title)

Where can you give a little?

Stack rank your needs so that you know where you can comfortably concede. For example, if you’re bullish on equity and salary, but flexible on title, you can create non-monetary concessions, serving both your and your partner’s interests.

Get in the right headspace

Your ego will sink you in a negotiation; so will your emotions.

Winning a negotiation means feeding the other person’s ego and playing up the parts of their identity which they hold dearest.

Depersonalize the negotiation by separating the people from the problem, and keep the negotiation focused on satisfying shared interests.

Do what you need to to control your emotions. Now is not the time to be self-righteous or say what feels good.

Engaging

Position as Partners

Us vs The Problem (not Me vs You). Position yourself & your partner as teammates, like it is the two of you on a quest for a solution.

Help facilitate this by establishing shared interests, such that it is not one person’s position against another’s.

“Am I right in assuming we share the goal of my remaining at <company>?”

Bonus points if you can create the physical space that suggests a partnership by sitting on the same side of the table. Whatever you can do to limit the sense of separateness or “other.”

Use Weapons of Influence

To be a masterful negotiator is to deeply understand human psychology — surreptitiously playing to cognitive biases in a negotiation is mental jiu jitsu.

Loss aversion: the pain of giving up an object is greater than the utility of acquiring it

You want the other party to feel as though they have something to lose if this negotiation is not settled.

”I believe in this company and my preference is to help you reach <x shared goal>, so I want to consider what exciting next steps with <company> could be before considering other companies.”

Confirmation bias: the tendency to search for & remember info in a way that confirms one’s preconceptions.

Look for past decisions they’ve made that share similar circumstances to this one. Helping people operate within their understanding of the world will make their decision easier, which is good for you because people strive for consistency in their own behaviour.

“This is similar to the promotion you gave <colleague> in x, y, z ways, and look how well that went.”

Craving Autonomy

You want your partner to feel like they are the decision maker, so it helps if you frame their autonomy by getting them to say “no” sooner than later.

If they’ve already rejected something you’ve asked, they’ll be more likely to respond in the affirmative later on. Do this by asking a question you know will get “no.”

“Do you want me to leave <company>?”

“No, of course not.”

“Great, so we have the same goal here — of me remaining at <company> in a way that sets both <company> and my career up for success.”

Preface with acceptance criteria

Try to establish some objective criteria to evaluate whether you’ve reached a fair deal.

“Why don’t we just look at what the average salary is for someone in my position with <x> years of experience at companies of our size. Does that sound like a fair objective criteria to measure ourselves against?”

The Ask

You actually don’t want this to feel like an ask. The better route is to align your interests with the interests that drive your partner (which you would’ve explored above). Once you know what drives them and what you need, you can speak to each other’s interests, emphasizing the interests you share.

Be forward-looking and positive. Share what your interests are with the reasons behind them (if you’re open with your true interests, this can help in option brainstorming — perhaps they see a solution you haven’t).

“Based on our shared interests x, y, z — here are some options I thought up. I’d love to hear any you have in mind, as well as potentially develop some broader options together that could meet all of the interests we’re considering.”

If they push back here you can lean on objective criteria.

“Look maybe I’m wrong — what is the standard for a <title>, with <x> years of experience? Where do you suggest we look for standards to resolve this question and reach a fair agreement?”

Mirroring

Mirroring is repeating the last three or four words of what your partner has said, followed by silence. Use mirroring to gather information on where your partners stands (and to demonstrate active listening).

“Alyssa, I think what I’ve offered you here is fair.”
“Fair?” + silence

Labelling

Labelling is calling out the most predictable emotion your partner is feeling; done well, it can build empathy. Labelling uses phrases such as “It seems like…” or “It looks like…”

“It seems like you’re feeling stuck, because in your eyes you fear my colleagues will be jealous of my promotion.” + silence

Silence + pauses

This is one of the most uncomfortable, and as a result, under-utilized tactics in a negotiation. When you’re using mirroring or labelling, force yourself to pause after! Saying less means they are speaking, giving you information to guide your next move.

Make finding a solution their task

This seemed to be the winning methodology of Never Split the Difference. You make the solution their problem by asking questions that begin with “what” or “how.”

If you take away one concept from this article, let it be this: make resolution their task by asking questions.

This puts your partner in your shoes, and forces them to find a resolution to the offer they’ve made you. Continue down the ‘how’ and ‘what’ chain until they’ve solved the negotiation for you.

“Michael, how am I supposed to get excited about an offer 30% lower than my market value?”

Responding to rejection

If your partner rejects something you’ve proffered, stay cool. In fact, invite criticism. Remember — it’s not you vs. them. It’s the two of you together, finding solutions to satisfy shared interests.

Here are some potential responses:

• What concerns of yours would my <suggestion> fail to take into account?
• What would you do if you were me?
• One fair solution might be <y>. Does that seem fair to you?
• Okay, if you think my proposal is too high, let’s look up what the salary and equity percentage is for someone with <x direct reports> and <title> in <city>. Does that seem fair?

Bonus section: Salary Negotiations

Some of these are from the book, and some are tried & true tactics of my own

• Let them name a number first. A good negotiator will low ball you, but you may be delightfully surprised if their starting offer is higher than what you expected. The risk here is being anchored by their low ball offer, but now that you are impervious to cognitive biases, you can strike back with a much higher number.
• Use a range for your salary expectation and use a high anchor for the upper end of the range.
• Offer a specific and odd number which seems immovable (based on market rate and these x and y other factors, a fair salary for my position is $184,742).
• Don’t share your current salary. One of the most common mistakes I see is how people answer the question “How much are you making in your current role?” This will trap you within your current salary band. Instead, respond to this question with “My salary expectations are X.”

Closing

Getting a decision

A good negotiator will use time to delay making a decision — if you have any ways of using time as leverage, now is, well, the time.

Think of ways you can make the decision easy for them. If you can make this a decision that makes them look good, sets a good precedent, is good for them in the short and (even better) long term, you can shorten the time to decision.

One dimension many fail to consider is speed of decision — what is your opportunity cost of continuing to negotiate?

Winning

You win if satisfying your interests becomes their idea. Identity and Ego will attempt to thwart you. Those are two negotiation losers. A negotiation is not the time to say what feels good or to be self righteous.

You win if they reached your conclusion and thought it was their idea.

Give these a whirl. Let me know how it goes. Good luck!