Becoming an Entrepreneur Brought Out My Deepest Fears — and My Deepest Healing

I had the pleasure of sitting on an entrepreneurship panel last week discussing female entrepreneurship and mental health. Right up my alley, I couldn’t wait to connect with more like-minded women. As a lot of my material and experience involve spiritual teachings, I hoped that I could relay what I’ve learned over the last seven months in a way that didn’t alienate anyone. Listening to the other panelists, I felt so inspired and happy to be speaking — how I’ve always dreamed of serving. As I spoke, something amazing happened.

I got the chance to talk about the biggest lesson that I’ve spent nearly a year learning and that no one told me would be my biggest challenge — that my worth is not dependent on anything external. Whether that’s how much money I’m making, what I look like, what my parents think or what the scale says, none of it holds any weight to my worth as a person. No matter what happens, I am a piece of the divine that does not waiver in its value, ever.

This lesson started early in my life, with trials involving family discord, verbal abuse, a battle with an eating disorder and severe struggles with mental health. Until I started my entrepreneurial journey, I couldn’t see what was directly in front of me — I was tying what I did, what I looked like and what people thought of me to my worth. Whenever someone said something hurtful or critical, I immediately took it as true without hesitation, or I used it to strengthen my resolve to prove them wrong.

If a family member told me that I needed to lose weight, I went straight to the gym, praying that someone would finally see me for who I was one day. If I played less than expected during a basketball game, there was no way out of the darkness that would ensue within my mind. Conversely, once I was making “good money” and had an enviable job title, I allowed myself to be slightly happier while shirking the light inside begging me to write.

My life was a rollercoaster because I attached my entire sense of being and purpose on variables I tried desperately to control. Once I was thin, I would be happy I thought. Then, once I had a boyfriend, I would feel complete. Once I had the best job with the best title, I could relax. Endless and exhausting, the chase left me lower than I had ever been, even with the shiny title, beautiful apartment and wonderful boyfriend.

Before I quit my corporate job, things were starting to change. I had taken up yoga and felt less of a need to log hours in the gym to combat my anxiety. I also got more regular with my meditation practice, raising my consciousness to a new level and finding peace from within. I started writing for brands I believed in and for myself. I didn’t see it then, but I was starting a new chapter in my life.

Eventually, I made the leap to write the things my soul begged me to put on paper. I thought it was going to be a relatively mild transition with a few discomforts along the way. Little did I know that I finally was ready for the Super Bowl of the spiritual realm — facing off against my most prevalent demon: my self-worth.

The next few months were dark with ups and downs I hadn’t seen since my days in college. I felt so lost, worthless and alone. Without a paycheck and title to define me, who was I to be doing the things that I loved? Even writing this now, I feel the sting and fear that gripped my entire being for months.

After countless healing sessions, sound baths, reiki appointments, craniosacral therapy, hours of meditation, spirituality conferences and business courses, I finally feel better on my feet. Everything I faced involved the core issues I had been dealing with for nearly a decade, wrapped into one scenario. Being without a clear goal and external label, all of my old wounds around security and fitting in came out at once. Even though the journey knocked me to my knees, it taught me lessons I will take with me for the rest of my life. I learned how to stand strong in my boundaries, say no to things that aren’t aligned with my spirit, no matter how appealing the title, and, most importantly, follow my soul rather than my ego.

This discovery is why I started on this path in the first place. As I spoke on the panel and said these words out loud, the women in the room looked at me as their jaws dropped open. I couldn’t believe that no one had ever told them that the amount of money they’re making doesn’t impact their worth as a human. Then, I remembered that I spent seven excruciating months learning this lesson for myself. I am grateful and humbled to have shared it with more people taking the journey and answering the call.

I had no idea that breaking up with my 9–5 was the culmination of years of healing but, I’m amazed at the places it has taken me. In healing my relationship with my self-worth, I am a completely different person. Without my undying attachment to the external things I was brought up to see as representative of my worth, I came back to who I really am. I’m not type-A with a self-punishing streak and I’m not a stay-out-all-night party girl either — I’m a person who cares and is passionate about the things I’m bringing into the world.

That is, and always will be, enough.