Why Ghosting Haunts Freelancers and What You Can Do About It
I hit send and held my breath. A prospect reached out to me through my website, wanting to know more about the services I offer. I should have been excited to reply, but after drafting a carefully thought out response and clicking the blue send button, all I could think is: “Well, I’ll never hear from them again.”
And, unfortunately, I was right. Ghosting is a lamentable reality of dating, job hunting, and yes, even (especially) freelancing. Ghosting is so ubiquitous that it even has its own Wikipedia entry and definition:
The breaking off a relationship by stopping all communication and contact with the partner without any apparent warning or justification, as well as ignoring the partner’s attempts to reach out or communicate.
Replace “partner” with “freelancer” and you’ve got a tidy summation of what ghosting is. What that definition doesn’t expound upon, however, is the human impact of ghosting.
Ghosted parties are made to feel insignificant, their time is wasted, and it triggers the nasty imposter syndrome monster. And while there’s not always a lot you can do to prevent being ghosted, you can take steps to become more resilient and resistant to letting it cause you to question your worth.
We’re taking a look at why ghosting happens, what it feels like to be the ghosted party, and some actionable tips on what to do once you’ve been ghosted.
Let’s get started.
Why prospects (and even clients) ghost freelancers
Get ready for a hot take: People ghost because they’re scared of confrontation. When a prospect reaches out to you through your website or your email or what have you, it puts a “to-do” item on your list. And if you’re like most freelancers, you jump at the chance to check-in with this potential client and see if it’s a good fit, so you schedule time out of your busy day to reply, send your portfolio, schedule a follow-up, and do any research necessary.
It could end there, with the client simply not responding after you reach back out. That still stings, of course, and you’re more than justified in being frustrated with your time being so blatantly wasted. But it could go further. Say your prospect gets back to you and you talk to them on the phone, send more information, and share your rates and processes. This is where it gets sticky.
The prospect, intimidated by your rates, not impressed by your samples, or just more interested in partnering with another freelancer, disappears. Instead of telling you why and managing expectations, giving you closure and allowing you to stop refreshing your inbox, they simply seem to prefer to burn a bridge by falling off the face of the earth than to simply say “No thanks, I’m not interested/This is out of my budget range/Your design or writing style isn’t for me.” This gives the impression that they’re scared of saying “no” and of potential confrontation, preferring to say nothing at all.
Of course, before it starts to sound like I’m bitter toward prospects, I’m absolutely not. But what earns my respect isn’t a prospect fleeing for the hills when they don’t think I’ll add value to their organization. It’s being forward and honest that earns respect. And you never know when you’ll need a freelancer — the one you ghost could be just the one you need next time.
Established clients that ghost freelancers are a different story. While you may be disappointed that your prospective client doesn’t work out, it’s a whole nother world of pain when a client ghosts you. Especially when they owe you money.
It happens all the time (and it’s happened to me), so remember to always have a signed contract and as much of a deposit as you feel comfortable asking for. Otherwise, there’s nothing stopping someone sleazy from stealing your hard work and using it while leaving you with nothing to show.
Remember — it’s not you, it’s them
It’s easy to get caught up in feelings of self-loathing when you’ve been ghosted; especially when it’s a client. But it’s important for your mental health and assessment of your self worth to remember that when someone ghosts you, the onus is on them, not you.
If you shared your rates with them and they disappeared, it’s their budget that’s the problem, not your rates. If you shared your samples with them and they disappeared, it’s that your work isn’t a good fit for their needs, not that your work isn’t valuable and important. If you worked for them and gave them your time and skills and they disappeared, they’re terrible people. It’s always, always, not you when you’re ghosted.
There are some considerations to note. If you’re approaching this person out of nowhere and they don’t respond, it’s not ghosting. If they approach you, then it’s ghosting. If you’re pitching and it’s uninspired and full of boilerplate language, they don’t owe you a response.
How it feels to be ghosted
The long and short of it is that it sucks. It makes us feel like we’re not worth the time of day, it wastes our time, which is nothing short of money for a freelancer, and it leaves us simultaneously disappointed and naively hopeful that the ghoster will suddenly respond someday.
“I know I’m not the only one going through it, but it seems to be happening more now. I’ve been freelancing for many years and this has become one of the top concerns for me.”
Michelle Garrett, freelance PR consultant and writer
Michelle is on a quest to end the practice of ghosting freelancers. She shared her story of how ghosting has impacted her and her career, and what it simply has to go.
“I met with a prospective client and we had a good meeting. They asked me to put together a PR plan and timeline and come in with meet with them and their CEO to review it. They paid me for the time spent on those things. Great, right? But then — nothing. They ghosted me. It seemed as though things were moving forward. Then, poof, they vanish. In spite of multiple follow-ups, no response. Just unbelievable.”
Unfortunately, what Michelle’s describing is unbelievably common. And while it’s bad for our businesses, there’s also a human cost to ghosting.
“It’s sort of devastating mentally and emotionally. You feel like you’ve built a rapport — then they just vanish. Not only is it rude, it’s hurtful. I still feel hurt when I think about these situations. It also makes it difficult to trust moving forward. I think I’ve learned not to get my heart set on anything until you’re actually working on the project.”
Michelle Garrett
Especially when you’re first starting out, it’s so exciting to see prospects coming to you. It’s easy to get caught up and put in a lot of time and effort into preparing for that initial meeting, and it’s even easier to come away glowing because you think you’ve nailed it and built up a rapport. That makes the heartbreak of being ghosted even more painful.
What to do when you’ve been ghosted
Every situation is different and there’s no clearcut, one-size-fits-all answer on how to react when you’ve been ghosted. But there are some steps you can take afterward to minimize its impact on you and your mental health. These include trying not to make assumptions, allowing yourself to be disappointed, and even ghostbusting. We’ll look a little closer at each of these steps below.
Try not to make assumptions
It’s easy to start mulling over what you did wrong or why that person who ghosted you is a total asshole, but you’d do well to put the brakes on that train of thought as soon as possible. There are a plethora of things that could have happened, whether the ghoster came down with the flu, they had a death in the family, or even something as simple as them having email access issues. Try to take a step back and not assume anything right away.
Don’t contact them when you’re angry
Maybe you have reason to believe that there are no factors keeping the ghoster from responding to you beyond their own fear of confrontation. That’s fine and fair, but it’s not okay to be a jerk in retaliation; that only reflects poorly on you. You don’t have to be over-the-top friendly, but there’s no reason to be confrontational yourself. Take a deep breath and step away from the keyboard until you’re comfortable responding without being curt or rude.
Allow yourself to be disappointed
It’s incredibly disappointing to be ghosted, especially if you really needed a new client or a new project. Trust me, I’ve been there. Take the time you need to wallow in your disappointment, but not too much or it becomes a pity party. Feeling disappointed is normal and expected when you’re so abruptly blown off, so allow yourself to feel how you need to feel.
Shake it off
Now that you’ve had your time to sulk, take a page from Taylor Swift’s book and shake it off. I don’t mean that whole “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” business, because I want you to be true to yourself and your feelings, rather I mean to shake off your self-doubt and imposter syndrome and come back swinging (definitely not literally). Keep putting yourself out there, and while you will likely encounter ghosting again, you’ll also run into some pretty great clients that respect you, your work, and your time.
Try ghostbusting
Ghostbusting is the wonderful term created for when you call out your ghoster. If you’re waiting patiently for a call or an email from someone and the clock is ticking down, it’s okay to follow up once or twice. Here’s a real example of an email I’ve (very recently) sent to a prospect that ghosted me:
Good morning Ghoster,
Hope you’re doing well! Just curious if you had any questions about my samples, wanted to see more, or if I could provide any clarity or information that you might need. Feel free to reach out if there’s anything I can do for you.
Best,
Elizabeth
And that’s that. I sent him the mentioned samples and my rate schedule, and he didn’t respond so I followed up. With that, I put the ball in his court.
You’d also do well to take a page out of Michelle’s book and start preemptively ghostbusting. She says:
“I’ve started explaining during introductory calls that I would like an answer one way or the other — seems like you shouldn’t have to say that, but unfortunately, you do.”
Michelle Garrett
While it may not always get results, it’s still an effective way to let them know that you take your business — and your time — seriously.
Pick up the phone
More serious are the clients that ghost without paying you for your hard work. In that case, I’d recommend sending more than one email and even picking up the phone if you’ve got their number. You earned that money, and whether or not you signed a contract, you still deserve to receive it (just remember to sign a contract going forward with every client and include a scope of work).
If you do have a contract and you’ve been ghosted by that client, then reach out once or twice and then reach back in to your lawyer. Usually, just the threat of legal action is enough to coerce an uncooperative client into paying.
Remember that you’re not alone
I polled freelancers on Twitter on whether or not they’ve been ghosted and Every. Single. One. responded with yes. Being ghosted is frustrating and makes us feel alone and isolated, but always remember that thousands upon thousands of freelancers have walked where you’re walking now, and they’ve emerged successful on the other side.
Prospects come and prospects go, and even though you may not believe it, someone else who respects your time and values your work will show up on your virtual doorstep as long as you keep skin in the game.
—
It’s still the first week in February and I’ve been ghosted three times this month. While it’s possible they’ll all get back to me with signed proposals and deposits in hand, it’s unlikely, and I’ve worked to make my peace with that. You can too. Remember that it’s not you, it’s them, that it’s okay to be disappointed, and you’re not alone. And feel free to try ghostbusting, especially when a client has stolen your money.
If you’re a ghoster and you want to learn how to appropriately respond to a freelancer who’s not a good fit, check out Josh Bernoff’s wonderful resource on how to respond when the answer is “no” (and take his no more ghosting pledge, for which all of us freelancers will thank you).
Have you been ghosted by a prospect or a client? Share your story in the comments.
