Why I took a whole month off to look for something I had lost — and why I think you should too.
In order to stay excited, inspired and motivated we need growth. But in our busy lives we often don’t find the time, place or energy to invest in it.
Here’s my view on what I think is the most important condition for growth.
Looking back at the beginning of 2019, I remember this emotional ambivalence, this mixed feeling of uncertainty about what was to come, of confidence in myself and a strong thirst of adventure.
I had just started freelancing and the opportunities that I was provided with were more than I had expected.
Over the year, I was fortunate enough to work on interesting and challenging projects, I spoke on several conferences, traveled to a lot of new places, met inspiring people and even co-wrote a book. I worked a lot but felt good with it. I was excited, inspired and motivated.
With every challenge I mastered came dopamine rushes that kept me psyched.
When dopamine turns into numbness.
But as months passed I noticed that my enthusiasm was fading. I still enjoyed everything I did but it was not as thrilling as it used to be. I was less excited, less inspired and even less motivated. Even when I mastered ever-growing challenges, the dopamine rushes hit me less frequently and less powerful.
At one point I felt almost numb towards all the great things that were happening and the goals I was achieving.
Reflection is really important to me, so I started wondering what was going on. Had I become too used to what I was doing? Was everything just routine? Didn’t I enjoy what I was doing anymore? And all of a sudden, it hit me.
Over all the things I had been doing I had lost something — and that was room to grow.
I was so busy doing the things I did that I didn’t find the room for new input, for reflection and for other output than my ever-growing to do list. I even lacked the room to celebrate the things I did after I had finished them because I was already busy planning the next thing.
I was driven by external forces instead of being the driving force myself.
After realising this, I knew I had to take back the room that I had lost:
Room to Explore. Room to Reflect. Room to Create. Room to Grow.
Being aware is the first step but action must follow.
When I decided to take back the room I had lost, I was up to my ears involved in a project that was both strategically interesting and a lot of fun — with a longterm perspective. A project every freelancer is looking for.
As a freelancer, you’re free to do whatever feels right for you … at least in theory. Putting theory into practice is a whole other story.
I knew that I needed a break and I knew that I needed more than a week but I soon realised that being a freelancer taking a break was not that easy for me. There was no one else that I had to debate a break with than myself. There was no vacation request form that I could just hand in and leave.
Being my own boss and being the only one responsible for my actions, confronted me with an internal debate. In theory, I knew what I had to do but I hesitated putting it into practice.
Three things that I was afraid of:
- Letting go.
Ironically, just when I started thinking about taking a break, new job opportunities arose. So I kept on questioning if I was doing the right thing. If it was the right time to take a whole month off and if it was possible to turn my back to all the interesting things I was involved in. Needless to say, I was afraid that I would miss out on new business opportunities and regret the break. - Losing myself.
My second biggest fear was to lose myself in a vacation mode and not make use of the time I wanted to invest strategically. I didn’t want to come out of this month the same way I went into it. - Creating even more Fomo.
I know myself pretty well so I knew that there was a chance that this break would only increase my Fomo. Thinking about all the things that I could do in this month, all the books I could read, all the people I could meet … I was afraid of only increasing my (want) to do list, of starting a lot of new projects and in the end not getting anything done.
What I did to overcome those fears:
- Fear of letting go.
At one point I realised that there would always be another job opportunity, another interesting project. So I just decided to go through with it. As soon as I had made this decision, I blocked my January, let all my project partners know and stayed committed — even if some partners tried to convince me to postpone or shorten my break and made a convincing argument. - Fear of losing myself.
In order to find a good balance of exploration, reflection and creation mode, I made a list of the things I wanted to spend time with. I tried to look at it realistically and ambitiously at the same time. - Fear of creating even more Fomo.
Creating this list helped me also to be realistic. When I wrote down everything I wanted to do, I soon realised that it was not realistic. So I focused on the things that were most important to me. Also I promised myself to not be too strict with myself. If I didn’t get as much done as I had planned, it would still be okay.
Just being aware of those fears helped me to let go of them and overcome them as well. And then I was ready to plan my adventure.
One month of exploring, reflecting and creating.
I decided to spend some time at my best friend’s place in Rome. This was the best combination of my little sabbatical, reconnecting with him and also benefitting from a change of scenery as well. The fact that ‘Rome’ and ‘Room’ are so similar was a nice add-on.
In Rome I spent most of my days wandering around the city, losing myself in deep and long overdue conversations with John over espresso, fennel salad and turmeric tea, reading some of the books that had been patiently waiting on my bookshelf way too long, looking over the city from as many rooftops as possible or just sitting in an espresso bar amazed by the Italian coffee culture.
I explored reading, listening and observing.
I reflected thinking, talking and noting.
I created taking pictures, connecting new stimuli and writing about it.
My take-aways from this month.
The thought of taking a whole month off was definitely scary at the beginning but I see it as an investment in myself — the most important ‘capital’ I have as a freelancer, as a human being in general.
I took this investment to create the room I needed.
The last four weeks were dedicated to new stimuli — stimuli through books, through deep conversations, through sitting in new cafés, through listening to another language, through long walks on the ancient walls of the Roman Empire and through being in the moment — and to connecting these new stimuli to new ideas. I am excited, inspired and motivated again. And most of all, I feel this special thirst of adventure again that I love so much.
I am psyched but at the same time I am wondering how I can keep this feeling alive and prevent the numbness from creeping in again eventually.
For me 2020 will be all about creating room.
2019 taught me a lesson that I am thankful for. In order to grow, I need room.
Taking a break to find this room again was one of the best decisions of 2019 but now I need to keep this awareness, this room, alive.
So creating room in my day-to-day-life is what I want to focus on in 2020: Room to explore, room to reflect, room to create. And thus room to grow.
Proactively creating room, filling it consciously and thus being the driving force myself again.
Whether you are a freelancer yourself or not, if you can relate to the feeling of numbness, maybe you face something similiar and should think about creating room for you as well. What do you think?
Oh and if you were wondering, all pictures were taken by me on one of my countless walks through Rome.
