Why your voice (in your head) is your biggest influencer
Have you ever felt startled by someone’s words?
Recently, I was at a crowded book-signing event at a Los Angeles Barnes and Noble, listening to a conversation between author and activist Cleo Wade and actress Nicole Ritchie.
The two friends were there to promote Wade’s latest book and were discussing the topic of Self-Care.
And the minute I heard Cleo Wade utter these words, I instantly yanked a coffee-stained receipt from my purse and began scribbling:
“You are the first person you speak to in the morning.”
Sure, it felt true. Yes, it felt empowering.
But there was something crucial that was also missing.
In case you don’t know, Cleo Wade is a big advocate of self-kindness. Reading her book, Heart Talk: Poetic Wisdom for a Better Life, is like an invigorating pep talk with your wisest friend. She writes things like:
Wake up every morning and say to yourself,
I made it here from where I started, and I am so proud of that.
She says when you start your morning like this, you bless yourself. You fill yourself up with a kind of self-love that replenishes you, instead of waiting for others to do this for you.
And I love this idea.
Every morning when you open your eyes, it’s your own voice that is your biggest influencer.
The most powerful mood-setter in your life.
Do you feel it too? That blast of “I can-do-anything” energy?
Because I certainly do.
But I also feel an old, familiar, cautiousness. My shoulders stiffen, and I look across the bookstore for signs of my old tribe.
Where are they sitting right now?
How are they feeling about this “positive” inner voice?
Because after all these years — whenever I’m around a lot of motivational ‘happy’ talk, I still wonder how they might be feeling.
Who are they?
I call them my tribe. All those people who are struggling in private.
The ones who might go home after hearing a conversation like this — filled with exuberant advice by two beautiful women — and feel bad later, when they can’t sustain these upbeat feelings.
And this makes them feel painfully self-conscious. And alone.
I know this because I spent years inside a session room. First as a patient, then a clinician.
And I know how common it is to smile on the outside, when you’re secretly hurting on the inside. I know how common it is to hide your depression behind a cheery “I’m fine, thanks,” mask.
That as great as it sounds, some people don’t naturally have that inner voice cheering them on.
So yeah, I think about these things while I listen to Cleo Wade and Nicole Ritchie take questions from the audience.
And minutes later, it happens.
A twenty-something year old woman stands up, takes the microphone, and in a soft, wavering voice — addresses the missing part of this conversation.
This was her question:
What do you do when you know the kind of person you want to become, and you feel like you have that person INSIDE you… but you don’t do those things you “should,” to make it happen?
In other words, what do you do when your inner voice is actually your own worst critic?
Your inner voice: a peek into your emotional world
Truthfully, most of us already have the information.
We know what we “should” be doing to lose weight, to write our first book, or live a more balanced lifestyle. We know when it comes to transforming our lives for the better, it’s not the lack of information that’s holding us back.
It’s something deeper.
Are you curious why you don’t follow through on those changes in your life? Those positive ones you were really determined to make?
Because Cleo Wades is right about this one thing.
Having a compassionate inner voice will change your life.
Not only are people with a self-compassionate perspective more optimistic and happier, they’re also more motivated and creative than their self-critical friends.
Do you remember the last time you were berating yourself, second-guessing your actions and how crappy you felt afterwards?
Turns out, our bodies literally have a physiological reaction when we criticize ourselves. Feeling under attack, our bodies get into fight-or-flight mode, which then triggers a release of cortisol. And cortisol makes us feel tense and wary.
Research now tells us, being self critical hurts our creativity and motivation.
Here’s my point. Your words matter
And the inner dialogue that is going on in your head has more influence on your actions than you realize.
That’s because your inner voice is your direct line to those deeper feelings and beliefs you have about your Self.
When you have issues you haven’t dealt with, or old narratives from your past you’re still clinging to, it distorts your self image.
Old emotional baggage is what we hear in our critical voice.
I know this personally. I spent years trying to disentangle my own voice from my mother’s critical one. Trying to make sense of why I never felt “good enough,” despite my successes. And it was this personal mystery that first led me into the psychotherapy field.
So I think of it like this.
When it comes to living your best version of yourself, being inspired by bold dreams and big goals are unmeasurably important.
But knowing your Self is even more crucial.
Because no matter how well-planned your latest project is, it’s your inner voice that operates in the background. And that unconsciously shapes your beliefs about yourself and this goal.
Do I really want it?
Do I deserve it?
Can I truly see myself achieving it?
And what then?
The good news is that no matter how subliminal your inner dialogue might seem, your voice — really is fluid and changeable.
3 habits that will help you lose your inner critic:
1. First, recognize your voice
The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. — Carl Rogers
For most of us the voice that pops into our heads when we open our eyes in the morning, is such an unconscious part of who we are, we barely notice it. Unless you’re deep in silence or under enormous stress, it’s unusual to notice your inner voice emerging from the constant chatter in your head.
The first step to letting go of your negative self-talk is to recognize it when it’s happening.
In order to do this, you’ll need to acquire the skills to silence your mind.
Whether it happens in your therapy, through yoga practice, or from meditation, learning how to quiet your mind will radically improve your life.
According to Sam Harris, neuroscientist and mindfulness teacher, mindfulness is the simple act of “paying exquisitely close and non-judgmental attention” to whatever you’re experiencing in the moment.
The practice of mindfulness is like tossing an anchor into your sped-up mind. It’s a way of slowing you down. Breaking up those large chunks of your waking life when you go missing, “lost in thought” or “zoned-out.”
Think about the last time you set down your car keys or drove miles without remembering the car ride. And realize that moving through your life in “auto-pilot” is the opposite of feeling alive and in touch with who you are.
2. Acknowledge the influences of your voice
Never regret your past. Rather, embrace it as the teacher that it is.
Yogi Krishnan, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari
If you asked me about one universal experience I repeatedly saw behind the closed doors of the session room, this is it:
You feel something.
Then you feel bad about how you feel.
or
Something happens that you regret.
Then you feel bad (choose your feeling) — about what happened.
The point is this. It’s not what happens to you in your life that determines your happiness. It’s what you tell yourself about it.
If you look closer, the first reaction simply makes you human. Yeah, shit happens, and you feel bad.
But it’s the second reaction (the story you tell yourself about it) that brings the shame and hiding and emotional stuck-ness.
Why am I sharing this?
To bring you back to your voice.
Because when you’re emotionally upset — -and in touch with these intense feelings — you can often catch your negative self-talk in action.
Examining what you’re telling yourself about your struggles —I’m inadequate, I’m weak etc.— will help you identify those painful beliefs that unconsciously hold you back.
3. Challenge your life story
Be curious about the stories you tell yourself about who you are, this means challenging your old views about your value and talents. And answer this simple question.
Why do I continue to hold on to these harsh interpretations about myself?
There’s a powerful scene from the movie Good Will Hunting, when Sean, the therapist played by Robin Williams finally confronts Will, played by Matt Damon, about the physical abuse Will endured from his foster father.
Looking directly into his eyes, he keeps repeating the one piece of truth Will has never consciously accepted about his damaging childhood. Four simple words.
“It’s not your fault.”
Yeah, it’s a heavy scene about letting go.
But I only wish this liberating dynamic could be played out in everyone’s life.
Because frankly, you don’t have to go through harrowing violence like Will, for you to have felt trauma in your past. Little moments can inflict deep pain. And even our “loving” relationships can leave scars.
In her famous work with depressed adults, psychoanalyst Alice Miller zeroed in on a painful dynamic she commonly saw in “loving” families.
She noticed that children with a sensitive antenna for picking up on the feelings of others — often end up sacrificing their own feelings and needs in their effort to please an emotionally needy parent. This was not consciously done, or even realized at the time.
But here’s the point.
Even decades later, these grown-up children — still felt the impact of this hurtful childhood role.
Despite having successful lives, they couldn’t explain their lack of joy and vitality. They felt like they were simply going through the motions in their lives. Feeling painfully cut-off from their authentic self.
It’s important to understand.
Just because you grow up and physically leave the family nest, doesn’t guarantee your healthy psychological separation.
Until you work through your old issues, you can move a thousand miles away and still come home for the holidays and have those red-hot buttons pushed again.
Yes, it’s humbling.
Real happiness begins like this
Pema Chodron said, “If you want happiness… you need to see clearly what you do that causes your own misery.”
The idea of an inner voice is not a gimmick.
It’s a simple acknowledgement that how really feel about yourself — deep down — matters. And having a negative inner voice blocks your ability to reach your fullest potential.
Know this. You were not born with your inner critic.
Tomorrow morning when you open your eyes, resist the urge to grab for your phone or jump out-of-bed in one mindless burst of energy.
Instead, get quiet.
Listen for that voice that’s narrating your life.
And be curious.
How does it make you feel?
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