If you’re anything like me, there’s nothing you enjoy more than receiving emails about erections first thing in the morning. That’s why I was delighted this morning to receive an unsolicited email from Barbarian XL.
This sexually charged bit of correspondence started with an excellent question: “Is THIS Secret Plague causing your limp erections and Low T-levels?”
The sad thing is that the email never reveals the answer to that question. It only raises more questions. For example, what is the Middle East Retirement Village Orgy mentioned without explanation or preamble at the top of the email I received?
I’m afraid we’ll never know.
“Did your doctor warn you?” is another excellent question raised by my appreciated and well-deserved early-morning email. Unlike the mystery of the Middle East Retirement Village Orgy, the message goes on to answer the question of exactly what peril your doctor should have warned you about.
A secret plague is damaging cells of men over 45. It’s attacking your endocrine system, which means that it …
Makes your erections LIMP …
Kills your sex drive …
Slows your metabolism, giving you a beer gut …
Destroys your T-levels …
Saps your energy and motivation …
And even thins your hair.
I’d like to thank whoever was kind enough to add me to the email list that resulted in my receiving this “secret plague” message. If limp erections weren’t enough of a worry, then talk of beer guts and thinning hair got my attention.
Of course, no spam email would be complete without a little poor grammar.
It’s effects [sic] over 90% of the population. So many men, that doctors think these symptoms are ‘just part of getting older.’
Then we return to the “secret plague.” Please, Spam, tell us more.
The truth is, getting older doesn’t damage your cells … this plague does.
In fact, one doctor in Australia proved it in a medical study.
And here comes the thinly veiled allusion to oral sex …
He found 69 men who had beat this plague.
A free presentation explains step-by-step how to beat this plague, achieve rock hard erections, and even shrink your gut.
The Secret Plague Gives You Limp Erections (plus the 5-ingredient cure)
Although I would be more than happy to reveal the five-ingredient cure for LIMP erections, I would be less than happy to click any link that arrives in my spam email. Therefore, I find myself just as clueless as ever when it comes to the plagues that plague erections and their multi-ingredient cures.
The sender of this erection-intensive email left me with two parting thoughts. “Enjoy!” and “Keep firm and fearless!”
In the interest of fairness, I decided to Google “The Secret Plague That Causes Limp Erections,” just to see if I could find anything. Obviously, I could have clicked the link included in the spam email, but I didn’t think that would be a good idea for various reasons.
Apparently, this spam email has been making the rounds for a while because I found a near-identical message posted on a blog from March 2018. It included phrases not included in my email such as “makes your stick go LIMP” and “kills your lovemaking.” These phrases have since been changed to “makes your erections LIMP” and “kills your sex drive.” Close enough.