Cities & Travel
Florida Man
He is not relegated to Florida. He is everywhere.
Who is the most popular guy in Florida? Florida Man, of course!
Everyone knows this dude and he is always up to something kookie, like breaking into a restaurant, stealing liquor and leaving poop as payment, maybe getting busted with meth, guns and a baby gator in his truck, or throwing rocks at cars while naked.
These are just a few among millions of examples.
It appears that Florida Man has an affinity for booze, meth, gators, violence (probably due to the booze and meth) and, oddly, seems to like to commit a lot of his crimes in the nude and/or involving his own excrement. So what is up with this guy? What kind of childhood trauma did he suffer at the hands of his abusive Floridian parents? Or was it too much sun?
As the former senior reporter for a newspaper on a small barrier island on the Gulf Coast of Florida turned records custodian for a police department that was on my beat (the irony is not lost on me), you might think I have seen my fair share of Florida Man and that is why I am writing this story. However, while I am coming at this from the perspective of a former reporter, it is not because I have a slew of bylines attached to headlines like those above.
I have spent countless hours explaining to anyone who would listen that Florida Man is the result of Florida’s very open policies involving freedom of information.
During my time at the paper, I covered a case spanning three years that centered on Florida’s Government-In-The-Sunshine laws. You see, Florida’s “Sunshine Laws,” embodied in Florida Statutes Chapters 119 and 286, are important measures involving public access to information. The case I covered mostly revolved around Chapter 286, which is the part of the Sunshine Law which requires transparency in government. According to 286, the public is entitled to know anything that transpires in a meeting of two government officials on the same board. This means that if Bob and Linda are both county commissioners, they cannot pick up the phone and call each other to discuss something they are or could be covering in their official capacity. That phone call is considered a “meeting.” Emails, texts, or any other form of communication outside of a public meeting is included. And in the case of the lawsuit I covered, these guys were blatantly pissing all over that law and toasting each other for having done so. Needless to say, this ultimately did not go well for them.
In Florida, there are attorneys who are the equivalent to ambulance chasers of the Sunshine Law, and anytime someone transgresses, one of these lawyers is just a phone call away.
And while I definitely saw plenty of Florida Man-esque activities while I was covering that suit, the other part of the Sunshine Law, Chapter 119, outlines state policy on public records and ensures that just about everything you can think of is made available to the media. There are certain exemptions, but not many.
And this is where Florida Man arrives on the scene.
Most police reports in Florida become public record, more so than many other states. Taking this into consideration with the sheer size of the state, the diverse population comprising tourists and locals, as well as the variety of unusual wildlife, one is presented with the perfect storm.
A vast arena is created for Florida Man to emerge from a Cat 5 hurricane of crazy, possibly running naked, high on bath salts, from a flaming junglescape of his own creation after brutally beating his wife to death with an alligator tail.
So what does this mean? Simply put, every state has its own Florida Man. He is just operating undercover outside of Florida.
Next time you think you are safe because you live in, say, Idaho, think again. Your seemingly benign next door neighbor may be hoarding potatoes to make 180-proof liquor, when his still blows up, exposing his cache of foot fetish porn.
Think Vermont is safe? The happy-go-lucky, Phish-following boomer you pick apples with is not as innocent as his tie-dyed shirt would have you believe. His other pastimes include sending threatening ransom notes to Ben and Jerry and finding ways to use maple syrup to create a drug more dangerous than crack.
Popular culture, including a recent Netflix drop, would have us believe that Florida Man is confined to one state. It makes all of you who don’t live in Florida feel safer, smarter and more sane, doesn’t it?
Truth is there are crazy people everywhere. And stereotypes are easy to cherry pick for sensationalism when all the reports are available to anyone.
So next time you read the latest account of Florida Man’s hijinks, keep in mind that on a bad day, you could just as easily be a Florida Man, even if you live in Delaware.
