Do not hashtag
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
Who chose this hashtag?
Who are you hashtagging for?
The answer, always, is a marketing officer who needs to create a quarterly stats report.
Do not hashtag.
I love marketing officers. I try to love all people who are tied against their will to dehumanising systems of labour.
I do not love hashtags.
Hashtags were made by the people and co-opted by The Man.
We have been groomed for abuse.
Hashtag GE2017
Hashtag DTTB
Hashtag WALENG
Hashtag your theatre show
Hashtag your crowdfunder
Why did you make a hashtag for your crowdfunder?
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
What the fuck use is a hashtag other than to help you compile a quarterly stats report while imprisoned in a dehumanising system of labour?
(Not rhetorical.)
Do not hashtag.
“Please let your networks know about hashtag this thing.”
“I’ve written a sample tweet for you to use.”
“We’re using hashtag thingy thing for this campaign.”
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy tho.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
I know why. Because you have a quarterly stats report to write.
And your engagement targets are 20% greater than they were this time last year.
Or:
You don’t need to write a report. But you went on a training course in 2009 and they told you that hashtags were good for “getting the word out there” so now you just make them because you make them.
Do not hashtag.
Guess what.
Hashtags have literally nothing to do with ‘engagement’, nothing to do with “getting the word out there”.
Nothing.
If a quarterly stats report only tracks hashtags, it’s a shit one.
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
It makes it look like they’re paying you.
Which is great if you’re getting paid.
But I bet you’re not.
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
Idea: every time a hashtag is used, it sends a small electric shock down the spine of whoever chose the hashtag.
And put the hashtag into a ‘sample tweet’.
And sent the hashtag to their ‘networks’.
Do not hashtag.
Idea: every time a hashtag is used, it shortens the life of social media training providers by one minute.
Do not hashtag.
Idea: every time a hashtag is used, it unsells a theatre ticket, undonates to your crowdfunder.
You actually owe us money for having to look at your hashtag.
That will be seven hundred thousand pounds please.
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
Do not hashtag.
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