Making non-sense of it all
Is it just me? Or can it all get a bit macho when men are talking to or about young males?
I’ve always been told that, being a male practitioner within a children’s charity puts me in a minority amongst similar people in that position. Setting aside the fact that there are a lot of other men in my organisation who happen to have the title ‘manager’ or ‘director’ in their job description; I’ve never been quite certain whether that is actually the case or not.
However, what I have seen across the sector are some potentially problematic relationships when a male worker is in a mentoring position for a younger male; not an exclusive problem to the sector but something that perhaps encapsulates some of the debate that rightly exists in society now when we ask what it takes to be ‘a man’?
The specter of toxic masculinity looms throughout the type of work you do when you are engaged in supporting young males around issues such as healthy relationships, consent, safety & awareness of risks such as exploitation (criminal, sexual or otherwise).
I think it’s fair to say we still have a long way to go across the board to see the true extent of this problem and begin to unpick it.
When we pass on these messages we are also delivering to that young male an image of what a ‘man’ should be; and being in a position when you are a male delivering this- is there an extra responsibility to how you should present that message?
It made me think about a young man I supported a few years back, who once had some clothing allowance to spend, and no one to take him to spend it.
So off we went to browse camouflage tracksuits and tote bags. I tried to give my humble opinion that perhaps there is a modest and perhaps more timeless tracksuit compared to the silver bottoms with camo-piping that the young person was mulling over when I was met with the greatest unintentional put down of all time…
The young man thanked me for my suggestion but reneged stating:
‘…the thing is; you’re just more of a scarf guy…’
A scarf guy?? What does that even mean? Why am I so wounded by this?
Play it cool… pretend your not bothered by having your fashion tips rejected by this young person…
Was I slightly offended by this rejection because it made me feel less manly?
I don’t think so- I remember it so vividly just because of how brilliantly and succinctly it described his perceived difference between our lived experiences; or perhaps that the young man was telling me that I looked different to the ‘usual’ types of male influences this young man had had in his life?
It was something we had talked about before; the young man had remarked to me before how ‘funny’ it was that we were different despite coming from similar backgrounds and families.
In stark contrast, I also remember vividly the types of comments and ‘mentoring’ overheard by myself and my colleagues in other forums where males where ‘educating’ young men around issues such as consent; helpfully informing them that consent is important because ‘it’s very easy for a woman to make an allegation against you.. so be careful’.
Brilliant.
I can only speculate, but it sometimes worries me that if the young men listening to this ‘role model’- who ‘looks like’ a man more than ‘scarf guy’ who doesn’t; will these young men be more likely to think that the former’s reasoning around consent is what it means to be a ‘man’?
Should I change to look ‘more like a man’ to compete with this dangerous and unhelpful ‘mentoring’?
Another worrying prospect is watching classic ‘documentaries’ where stern muscle men interview young ‘gang’ members (they’re always floating about on Youtube- they’re not hard to miss when following links to videos explaining an issue like county lines)- usually framed sat in someone’s bed room with young men clad in balaclavas and sunglasses talking about issues such as criminal exploitation and how despicable they are. Often with a table nearby with an assortment of cash, drugs or weapons to really labor the point.
I’ve watched a few of these recently and sometimes I feel the intent of the video is not to highlight the vulnerability of these young men; but to emphasize how ‘manly’ it is that this guy is so down to earth he can chill with the ‘gangsters’.
These may seem unrelated, but to me they seem to be linked to this concern about how we are framing ‘what it means to be a man’ to young men; and to young women for that matter. The effects of negative, unhelpful attitudes to gender doesn’t stop at the borders between them.
Before putting pen to paper, or digit to pad, I asked some of my colleagues to tell me what they thought about what I was seeing; or why I felt some reluctance to commit it to paper.
I felt maybe it was an experience that was uniquely experienced by myself- or that it was a niche concern that only I was fretting about.
Oh no no no no.
I was told how some of this resonated with similar experiences; not always confined to gender or issues such as exploitation- but as the manifestation of gender inequality and bias spilling out from our society and into practice.
One colleague told me about her concerns that she didn’t have the ‘lived experience’ to mentor a young person she was supporting. Another told me about feeling that image gave a certain amount of credibility- being ‘cool’ enough to be an influence in that young person’s life.
Maybe the apprehension was a bit of me already being aware of how far down the rabbit hole might go.
I know I shouldn’t change, but it does make me wonder if there is an extra responsibility on my part to challenge these negative stereotypes of masculinity and whether across the sector we are doing it well enough?
