I didn’t do it consciously.
Good Morning America! :D 20! I’m writing a letter to my mom about you. I haven’t told her anything much before & so I think she deserves to know what’s going on. I also think she ought to know her future daughter-in-law a little better!
I’m stressed. I can’t decide when and how much to tell my mom. All at once or over a period of time?
Also, I’m uber-excited for a ring from you! And to get you a ring. :) I can’t decide which finger to measure! If I do my left middle it would be easy to adjust to. If I do my right ring finger it will be easier to have last longer. My left ring finger is full of scar tissue from being jammed. My middle left finger is the same size as it. If I have a finger ring on it then when I get a wedding ring I’ll have to move it so they don’t bump each other. I don’t know if I can wear a ring on my wedding finger on my mission without getting in trouble somehow. Maybe I can. But, when I get an actual wedding ring I think I want the CTR ring to be on my right hand. Howabout the ring ring finger :) And when (if) the wedding ring finger gets smaller again I’ll switch it over ;) As a placeholder. Promise ring. Wilson Anna Reminder :) Cause I love you.
You have my address right? The correct one?
9:00pm Hey, Hey. :) I just got a letter from Randy. He gave me Lisa’s address. Out of nowhere. I didn’t ask for it. He gave me a tie, too. I think Lisa is looking for somebody but Randy doesn’t fill the spot in his mind? Maybe. Or he’s not interested. He’s probably just trying to be a bro for me & for her. Who knows. I will assume he’s just trying to be a bro. So, I’ll thank him and let him know I’m not interested right now. If Anna really doesn’t want me maybe I’ll try… I don’t think I can fall in love with her though, or else I already would have. … She’s not like you, Ann. I’ve committed myself to you. It’s going to have to be a long time before I ever believe (let myself believe) there isn’t a chance with you. But I can’t see that happening. I see you . I see this going forever.
What if you ask why I thought you were evil?
7 months! 17 left! — Anyways, why did I think you were evil? In the first place you seemed to choose other guys over me. I thought you knew how I felt.
At first you may have still known. You thought it was more of just a game when you started “going out” with other guys.
I see your innocence. I thought you were trying to hurt me. I know you weren’t.
I hurt you… I told you I hated you. Of course that would crush your soul. Maybe you understood why soon after that. Maybe not. Still, you had plenty of room to doubt that I still had feelings back.
I once showed you a graph of the emotional spikes and drops of how I felt around you. Compared to the very level okay feeling I felt with others, mainly Rosetta who you were concerned about.
You could easily see that as a problem and that would be better if I was juts with her. I never said I wanted you. :/ I do.
So, why did I think you were evil? The first time I thought you chose other guys over me made me believe that you wanted to hurt me cause I thought you knew how I felt. Over the years when you continued to do so, it strengthened my belief, false belief. I see now that you were just as scared as me. You didn’t want to get hurt by me.
I thought you were trying to hurt me. I acted childish when I thought you were choosing other guys over me. That’s why I told you I hated you instead of asking what was up :/ Sorry ‘bout that.
I did act childish about it. It’s my fault. I never thought things through in your shoes… I assume you know everything I thought and felt. And I thought you were picking other guys over me. :/
So in reply to Randy’s letter, I’ll send this response: “Thanks man, I really appreciate it! Lisa’s a great girl and all, but I’d prefer to only write one girl on my mission.” Something like that. That way, if he’s just being a bro, I give him a normal response. If he’s working for you, I’m letting both of you know that I’m only writing one girl and Anna already knows it’s her. I don’t yet give away that it’s Anna. … But maybe I should. You two will probably get in contact eventually anyway. Why not be bold about MY DECISION?
Prove it to you. I keep bouncing from talking right to you to talking about you to myself.
You smell good.
I thought you were leading me on when I didn’t think you could like me. I thought you were lying to me. I thought you were leading me on just to hurt me. I was not super thoughtful about [how] you might’ve felt. :(
I was confused. I thought you knew how I felt, but I didn’t believe you could possibly feel the same. I thought you were trying to hurt me just for fun… I never realized that you might not trust me, might not known I felt how I felt for you, might see me as inconsistent, crazy, and you may have even thought I was evil. I wouldn’t be surprised. You would have lots of reasons to believe all that and wonder about my sanity.
I see you on a pillar high above me. Something fantastic I can’t live up to. You are on another level above me. Far above me…
I put your pictures on my camera but at first I couldn’t find them. But today I found one! :) You’re wonderful. I hope I can pull this off and have you forever mine & be forever yours. :)
4:10pm I got an answer to my prayer & fasting. I need to tract… :( I fasted to receive direction on how to strengthen our relationship and how I can help you believe in me and trust in me. D: I don’t want to tract! I don’t like tracting. I really really don’t like it :/ I feel like I’m supposed to say things I don’t know how to say… I feel like I’m disrupting people’s lives. What do I need to tell them? God loves them? And then what? What do I have that they don’t have?
I believe in God. Many of them do, too? I believe the Church God established throughout time to help His children come closer to Him is now on the earth again.
I believe that within this Church there is the Priesthood Authority of God.
I believe we need that Priesthood in order to be baptized. I believe we need it in order to have Temple Marriages for eternity. Why doesn’t God accept baptism done by people without authority?
Why is it only one way? This is the only Church founded by God, through a Prophet.
Why do we need baptism? Because it is a commandment and requirement to enter Heaven, the Celestial Kingdom. It needs to be done by the Priesthood because it is the only power on earth that can bind or loose things both on earth and in heaven.
Why do people need to be brought the gospel? Everyone can’t possibly hear it before they die.
9:00pm You may ask why I’ve waited so long. Frankly, I never thought I had a chance with you.
I need to share my feelings more in here. Right now, I’m stressed and worried about you. I’m worried about saying the right thing. I’m worried about letting God down because I’m spending so much time focused on you.
I think you’ll ask me what’s held me back and why I’ve thought she was [you were] evil for so long.
Well, the revelation I received (because I’m too crazy to think clearly), is that I never thought I had a chance with you, but everything you did (and do) makes me want you even more. Everything you did for me or with me. Everything we talked about. I guess you’ve hurt or disappointed me sometimes, but that is okay. I was hurt, but I understand and I forgive you.
I wanted to be with you but I knew I couldn’t. I wanted ot have you as only mine but I didn’t believe I could.
The fact that you’re so wonderful made it painful to know I couldn’t have you. Everything hurt. I thought you were hurting me. I thought yo had some secret plot.
I’ve always wanted you. But I never thought I had a chance with you. Everything about you made me want you more. Everything you said to me. I thought you knew how I felt. I thought you knew how much it hurt to not have you and then you’d make me want you even more.
I’m afraid I’m failing. I’m afraid you aren’t obtainable. Haha cause I want you.
I have to be so in tune with the Spirit and my feelings to be able to say what I actually think and feel.
I tried to formulate ways to get you with “saying the right words.” It never worked. I couldn’t express how I felt! I still have such a hard time! It’s like I have a mental block. Maybe it’s a sign that the words will come when they come, in the moment they need to come if this is God’s will.
Do I have the guts to believe that? My mind is so fogged up I can’t clearly think of anything. I want you so bad I can’t think :) I hope that’s attractive :) I❤U x infinity! :D :)
9:42am :) Ooooooh Boy! Today might be the day! You may have questions today and be my GF next week! :D I yuv you. Zo Mutch! :D ❤❤❤ Meee & Youu! Both of us together!
1:50pm Hey, Hey! You didn’t reply. You’re testing me still or you got the package. Either way you’re testing me I know it. And I love it. :) ❤ Still no address.
So I have a thought. I think everyone heard me describe how wonderful you are and they wanted some so they went after you! Cause you are awesome.
I’m feeling a lot. I played the piano like crazy thinking about it. We were both disappointed at Disneyland cause you were expecting me to make a move forward & explain myself, and I backpedalled and… Hurt you a lot :/
:( I really think you’re beautiful! Like, when girls look kinda like you then I think they’re the prettier ones. But you’re the only perfect one.
The hardest thing for me ito imagine is what you think of me. I’ve been so inconsistent and crazy it must be really confusing. I’m not surprised you’re testing me. Making sure I am different. Making sure I HAVE changed. And for the better, too. Moar in love with you. I wanted to read my letter to you again to see what questions it does answer! :D I think I’ll wait until we get to the Church though. Man, my handwriting is exciting! ** Ring size 5 or 5.5. Your shoe size is about 5. Your Birthday is Oct 28, 1993. 4 days before mine. You’re currently 20. You can sing beautifully. You’ve grown your hair out a little and I love it!:D You have big brown eyes that go forever. You used to like to … I can’t remember what I was talking about. LOL
3:40pm The letter is the truth! We’re going to be official 11/11/13! It would be so perfect! :) Of course. God has to make it happen if it’s going to. And… :/ He wants me to tract. If I don’t tract it shouldn’t actually make a difference. But I know God makes miracles happen if we do what he asks. I don’t even have to do a good job. I just have to tract. I just have to try. And… I do not want to find out what might happen if I don’t :( Agh! Tracting! I can’t! I’m not good! I’m not sure what to say to people! :( He knows exactly what it would take to get me willing to volunteer to tract. Like the only thing. The promise that… What’s He promising? That we’ll get together? I don’t think it’s that major. I think we will get together anyways… Eventually. I need to find out what He’s promising and how much tracting I have to do. I’ll pray about it later.
4:30pm Constantly sacrifice to follow rules=constantly receive blessings. That’s part of why mission rules are how they are.
6:00pm Pres said he knows how hard it is for me to be out here. Ah… that was comforting. It is really hard to be out here.
I prayed and the response I got was A DOOR A DAY. As long as I do that then things will go better than they otherwise would and I’ll be supported and strengthened. At first I thought tracting.(I suppose if it has to be it will.) But then I got the thought to visit Ceisel. That’s not tracting! But it is a door! Then I realized the brilliantness of the plan! Sometimes it’s too late to tract, and at that point I no longer feel like there’s a point to it. But this guy named Ceisel likes us to wait til after 8 to visit him. Perfect! :)
By the Way! I can’t get enough of your picture. :) ❤ I do totally want you. That’s something I’m SHOWING WHereas before I didn’t . Want want want! :)
… I owe you everything I have. Everything I am. I have crushed you… :( I can’t believe I told you that you weren’t beautiful… I can’t believe I stooped so low. You must have been wallowing for the last two years. Probably significantly more than I ever did…:/ I am so sorry. You deserve to be treated like the ANGEL you are. ANNA MARIE WILSON. :( I guess Heavenly Father was smart in letting me do that. Because now I have an even better excuse to treat you how you deserve. I want you to know that you are worth more than anything to me. If I could take only one thing with me it would be you. You, you, you, you, you. Perfect, fantastic, lovable, beautiful, wonderful, talented, perfect, perfect, you.
Why did I believe you were evil? It was the only excuse I had for not taking responsibility for hurting you… You aren’t evil. If anything… I was. :( … But I’m changed :) No worries. If I am just honest about how I feel then you will know exactly how I feel! :D
You… :) You are so tough. So strong. But I know inside you’re scared. You’re terrified, though I know you’d never show it or admit it. But you are. You’re terrified that you’ve done too much wrong to be worth Mr. Right. You’re afraid it’s impossible. Your hopes and dreams seem unreal. Unobtainable, because of the past. … I love that. I love fulfilling a girl’s dreams. I haven’t yet, but I’ve wanted to. That’s my dream. Being the one and then coming in my shining armor ;) (that isn’t so shiny,(but as long as you think it is then perfect!)) And swooping you off your feet and helping you know that you are MORE THAN ENOUGH. You are MORE THAN PERFECT. You are everything to me. Everything and more… You don’t have to change a thing. Because you are enough. You are more than enough.
You really are everything to me. Can’t you see? You are wonderful! Beautiful! Worthy! Talend! Brilliant! Loveing! Caring! Compassionate! Resilient! Strong! Powerful! You are a WORLD-CHANGING! You are AMAZING!
Remember when you used to dream of being in a house that had all these traps and some scary guy chasing you? (I wouldn’t be surprised if he was me). I still remember you telling me about that… You used to call yourself Jynx. Just like I like to call myself one of many names. … :) You used to wear glasses with purple and green rims. … I remember in 8th when Hilary told me to get over you. :) I’m glad that wasn’t possible! Haha!!! … I still haven’t kissed another girl. I got too close with Cindy… But I saved it still! And I’m still saving it. For YOU.
You’re so tuff that you don’t want me to have to apologize. You don’t want to need me to. Yeah… I hurt you so much but yo ugot over it! You can’t waste your time wallowing! Haha! Toughy. I really really like that ;) Seriously. I love how much of a commander you are. It’s interesting. I took a personality test and it said I would match really good with a commander type person! I realized that was true but I didn’t want to believe that could be you at the time. Now I see how perfectly good that fits you exactly! :D
9:15pm Reasons you’ll say no to being my girlfriend. Wants to date. Doesn’t trust me. Testing me, … I didn’t really leave room for you to say no, unless you say it’s never going to happen and you would prefer I left you alone. :/ The only way I could see that happen is if someone hijacked your email or tried to tell me for you. You wouldn’t say that. :)
“It is only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we can be healed.”
“Hope is never lost.” “God’s love is always there.” “Miracles happen.” “Charity never faileth” “Live by faith, hold fast to hope, have compassion one to another.”
I thought I had no chance with you … Thinking you were evil was my only excuse for not taking responsibility for hurting you how I did… :( Sorry… I think you’ll understand though :) … I didn’t do it consciously. It just hurt so bad… That’s no excuse though. I was just making a mistake and turning the problem into something even bigger.
I love you! :)
I want you!
Lovely Special Forever.
Always Best Friend ❤ Perfect
Friend Sweetheart Choice
Mine. Ideal Wife ❤❤❤
So, I caught myself spacing out while listening to people and completely missing what they were talking about. Even when I was really trying. I need to get better at that! I need help… :)