This journal belongs to: T. G. Malevolent

10/21/2013–12/14/2013

Matthew 22:37–39


10/21/13 5:25pm

Well, dearest Anna, this begins volume two of my journalling. I wrote 200 pages in 20 days in my last journal. This journal has 260 pages but they’re smaller. I bet it will use about the same amount of information to fill this up as it took for me to fill up the other one. But this one has 32 lines with ~7 words to a line and the other only had 25 lines per page with ~8 words for each line. So, this journal will have an average of 224 words a page while the first has only an average of 200. I wrote about 40,000 words in the last journal and will write about 58,000 in this one. This is the most I’ve ever written in my life :O. Wow. (correction p. 4)

Today, I emailed you! And boy I feel great. You replied for the first time since Sept 27th ish. You said only 2 things. “I promise I’ll reply soon!!!” and “How many times a week can you email?”

I replied with an explanation for why I emailed you three times last week. Then suddenly the computer (at the library) told me I had two minutes left! I sent another short email saying I’d try to write more next week. Then I crammed out a quick email to my mom.

In the end the computer let me stay on another hour or so. So I emailed you again in that time.

I said something about how I’ve become more social because of my mission and especially my last companion, Elder Pill.

Then I said Elder Jackets has helped me a ton with feelings and dealing with things in reality that hurt.

Then I talked about my dad losing his left ring finger (half of it.) How my parents marriage is a little rocky.

And then I sent a picture of Carter just after his baptism. Then I told you to remember always that you’re wonderful and I wish I could tell you everyday. Some joke in there, too.

Then I sent another picture and wrote beneath it “Carter at the Temple … (cough, cough, cough, I want pictures of you, cough, cough)” :) I hope you buy into it and send me pictures. I’d love to see more than just this black and white printout on computer paper (although this is certainly better than nothing.)

I’m curious what you’re waiting for to reply to me. Do you have a boyfriend? It won’t matter cause that is not stopping me! ;D I’ll support you in anything except not marrying me :P It wouldn’t even matter if you were engaged. I’m not quitting. I’m not letting you go before we try it out between us for reals. In my opinion, we would make an excellent couple. We both really enjoy flirting for fun. We’re both very deep thinkers and problem solvers. I feel we’re already quite practiced parents. I have an older sibling and six younger, you have three younger siblings and no older. I generally took care of them whenever my parents were gone. As far as I’m aware you did the same. You seem like a parent figure for your siblings. I like that. ;)

7pm Jesus Christ is called “the Word” because He always does the word of Heavenly Father.

Also, I love the example of John the Baptist. In the Bible Dictionary it says “he did no miracle” but only fulfilled his assignment without wavering even as he watched his popularity decrease with the ministry of Jesus. He was imprisoned and later beheaded, having stayed true and faithful. What an incredible example of what an “every day member” can do. Even if we think we aren’t exceptional, we can be just like John the Baptist and remain true and faithful until the end, and be able to look back and see that, in fact, we were an individual that was essential in the work of God for countless of lives. God blesses the true and faithful.

8pm

You are a stellar being. So incredible. You can sing so well. It melts my heart. :) Even when I had convinced myself you were evil, I couldn’t help but love listening to you sing.

And playing the piano. You have a quite special talent. Honestly, some of the songs you’ve made up sound like Beethoven could have created them. You are that talented, and skilled. I know you’ve spent countless hours playing. To the point that when you sit down and make something up on the spot, it sounds like you’ve been working for weeks to make it up. You are that good. Please, never stop playing :)

This journal is a bit cramped… But it’s worth it :)

I’ve heard and seen that you’re an incredible massagist. I would love to experience your magic fingers. Bahaha! It would be halfway because I actually have some serious knots, but more importantly because I’d love to be close to you.

You’re going to be my first kiss. I’ve already decided. (Man, I’m getting knots just from writing in this thing!) You are totally my first choice by a long shot. I have quite a plan for how to do it as well ;) Hopefully my first kiss will also be your most awesome kiss, too!

You are the only girl I’ve ever dreamed of being with. In fact, I dreamed of you a couple nights ago. You were playing the piano and thinking. That’s probably exactly what you have been doing. Trying to figure out how to deal with my craziness. :P Haha, I do not blame you in the least ;) I mean I am pretty crazy. Sometimes even unpredictable! But when I really want to do something there’s not much that can stop me. Pretty much the only way is to kill me, but even then, I’d haunt anybody trying to screw up my plans.

Aaaah! I made a mistake in my math on p.2! There’s only 240 pages in here! Not 260 :( therefore there are only 53, 760 words (about) that I will write in this journal. It’s not quite as big of a gap from 40,000, but it’s still significantly more.

I am such a stalker! I’ve totally jacked this picture of you without your consent! I hope you don’t mind :P Maybe I just won’t tell you ;) As soon as you send me real pictures of you I’ll be happy and not worry about it anymore. — I totally need to finish your present! Aah! I have to send it early, too! I need ot make sure it gets to you on your birthday! I’ve recruited my mom and sister to plan some fantastic way of doing it all, too. :) I hope they can manage to get it to you on time. Holy Cow, my brain is in panic mode! We’ll get it figured out though ;) don’t worry.

Whenever I look into your eyes I see a lot deeper than I expect. I don’t know when I’ll tell you this but I honestly feel like I’ve known you a lot longer than 9 years. I don’t know, I feel like we must have been buddies back in pre-mortal life. I hope I don’t sound crazy, but seriously it’s almost hard for me to look into your eyes. I feel such a connection and I can see so much more than just your eyes. Especially with this picture that you took of yourself in my car on our day-long date to the maze. I see why you’ve kept it…

I love your voice. Your laugh is so enjoyable. How you talk, especially with your Georgian accent, is fantastic. Your accent is going to remind me of my mission once I get back. Actually, maybe you’ll come to the video chat on Christmas or Mother’s Day one of these years. It would be fantastic to see you there. You’d get to know my family better and I would be so happy. Of course it would be interesting to talk to you in front of all of them. :) I guess I’d just treat you how I plan to treat you the rest of my life!

Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? I’m so curious. Getting back from my mission is going to be stepping into a dark room. I want to work through schooling, start a business/website, get married to the woman of my dreams (AKA you), and move out of my parents house! :) I have no idea how it’s all going to go down but boy oh boy, it’s on it’s way :) Are you excited? :D

… I still have this fear trying to edge it’s way back into my mind :/ Fear that this won’t or can’t work out between us. I believe it will, though. I know it will. There is a reason for everything and the reason for us getting married is because it will be the most absolutely perfect love story in the world, and because I love you. And that’s enough. I want to make your day everyday for the next thousand years and beyond, and the only way I can do that is if I marry you, my best friend. Love! :) Forever+1

T.G.M.

10/22/13 7:50am

So, there’s this girl… She’s smart, kind, forgiving, beautiful, fantastic, fun, happy, and inexplicably talented. I’ve known her for quite a while. We’ve had a lot of fun together, I’ve taken her on a bunch of dates. Once we were asked if we were getting married. And we laughed and laughed, but inside I was wishing it were true.

I broke her heart… At least once… Oh how mean I am. I was so confused. I don’t want to do that again, I’d rather take the heat and let her leave me if we’re not meant to be.

She can draw, quite well in fact! I admire her creative figures and sketches. I’m afraid though. I’m afraid there’s not a chance. I’m afraid she won’t let me in again.

She’s the best, most wonderful, perfect and ideal woman for me. I only hope that I can believe she is here for me… I only hope that we can be together forever.

Whenever I doubt, I make a mistake, whenever I believe she may not want me. When I think she may not want what I’m giving… It crushes me. And then crushes her.

It’s always been me that backs out. Me that is confused. Me that causes problems. Never has she let me down or tricked me… She has hurt me… But never without a reason. There is always a reason.

I love her. I really do. I believe we could do anything together. We could conquer the world. That’s why this will work out. That’s why we will be forever. Because we are meant to be. Her name is Anna . Anna Marie Wilson.

She’s the only reason I’m who I am and the driving force for my life. I live for her.

Gee, why. When I delve so deep into what’s going on I get confused. But when I am at peace and not trying to figure out negative possibilities, I am much happier.

I am stressed about getting this package to you! I really need to go for it before you try to tell me not to. And this really needs to arrive on your birthday to you.

Aah! What should I tell you?! Journals are supposed to help me think, I’m supposed to be 100% honest in here. It’s kinda hard. I want to write stuff to give to you & let you read eventually but right now I’m really worried about everything I say to you. I’m trying to impress you. I don’t want to miss my chance.

I’m confusing my feelings and I’m not sure I’m supposed to :O Aah! This letter to you is crazy! I feel like I’m following the Spirit but, boy, this is bold!

7:15pm I think I have a finished letter to you. I’ll quote it in here so I know what I said. I’ll start on the next page.


Dear Anna!

Well, Happy Birthday! 20! Woooooh! (I’ve been working on my cursive in my journal :) I’m super happy for you! :) I’m kinda sad I’m not there to take you to some awesome place, but I’m not really sad cause I’m out here getting tough! )In a lot of ways ;)) I hope life has been treating you well over the last little while. For me it’s been lot’s of accelerated learning through experience. Talking and teaching and making friends 24/7 is stressful but still so much fun and so rewarding!

This reminds me of when we were younger!!! Writing notes to you, all fancy-like. You know you’re the only one I think I’ve ever given a note to! Don’t you feel special?! Cause you are! :) As you can tell I’m trying to impress you! :) Mostly cause I love you and want your birthday to be the best day ever!!! I do! And I do love you. It doesn’t even matter what happens because I always will :) I’ve really missed out on your presence over the last… almost 2 years! I can’t believe it’s been so long since we hung out. And it’s my fault we haven’t. I feel terrible about the awful stuff I did to you :/ I hope you can forgive me. Apparently you have at least a little, cause you brought me ice cream, and texted me and emailed me!!! I really really appreciate it!!!!!! I do not know where I would be without you. :) You are honestly a light in my life. A very very bright. You have done more to change my life than anyone I know, except maybe my parents :P Cause they gave birth to me ;) But really you have! You were my friend even when I was a complete jerk to you!!! :) You were my best friend! I hope that can happen again! Like, today! And forever after today! I’ve changed!!! I see differently now :) And I’m super excited for all the awesome things I want to do for you and with you. I feel the need to make up for a lot, for everything mean I did to you :/ Of course I’m going to enjoy it a lot because I am absolutely crazy about you! ;) But in the end I can’t really expect anything from you. You deserve a medal for surviving me :/ Still, I would love getting an email from you every once in a while. :) I’d love anything from you! Reading back through this I can see that my ADHD is showing D: Haha, hope you don’t mind!

I’m not sure exactly how to explain everything that’s going on. I hope you don’t have a boyfriend right now :P Cause, honestly, I’ve had a lot change. And to be entirely honestly I’m going after you as soon as you let me. I really am crazy about you! You already knew that though. :D I’ve just been pretending for an exceptionally long time that I didn’t. Still, regardless of how I feel, I know you’re exceptionally hurt from all the years of me being a complete doebrain! So, my number one goal right now is helping you know that nothing mean I said to you was true. You ARE Beautiful! In fact you really are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever, ever seen, ever. Straight up. You are always beautiful, especially when you don’t use makeup. Y+(You also do up your makeup wonderfully well (Junior Prom comes to mind :))) You don’t need it though :) I love everything about how you look! BUT, even that isn’t why I feel how I feel about you. I feel how I feel about you because of YOU. Who you are, how you think, (so brilliant), so thoughtful and creative, loving, caring, fun, but most importantly of all it’s just you. You. I’ve never met anyone that I felt such a connection with. I’ve never met anyone so deep. There is so much to you, I don’t think there will be any end to things I can learn from you. You are one of a kind. One in a million. One in a zillion. The only one for me.

You are so valuable to me. Even if you reject me it wouldn’t matter. It is what I deserve, frankly. But even then, you are worth everything to me. You have meant everything to me. You’ve made life grand. Just your presence in my life would mean the world to me. The last 2 years have been the worst 2 years of my entire life!!! I can’t try and pretend you’re trying to hurt me anymore! I can’t live like that! I can’t survive like that! Thank goodness Heavenly Father has been showing me, perfectly, the way I need to go, and what I need to know :)

I used to believe you were evil. I was that insane… :( I am sorry. But things have changed. I trust you. I see. You are perfect. You are an ideal woman for me. You are beyond special to me. In my eyes you are everything I’ve ever dreamed of having and MORE!. I guess it helps that you are the only girl I’ve ever dreamed of being with. (Honestly, LOL). I only dream of you. :) But really you’re the best!

Anna, I am in love with you. I have been from day one. I will be always. I should never have faked that I wasn’t. But this isn’t a perfect world, and there is a reason for my mistakes. If anything was different then I couldn’t have learned all I learned and today may have never come. I will forever owe you for putting up with me :) I truly appreciate it. AND today is here! You’re 20! I’m old, too! ;D I’m on my mission! Guess what!!! I once, a long time ago, promised myself that I wouldn’t have a girlfriend until after my mission! ;D LOL! So, whenever the time is right for you, Anna, I am looking for a girlfriend! And, not just any girl! This girl is absolutely fantastic in every way I can imagine :) She has big beautiful, brown eyes that I seem to fall into whenever I look in them. Her smile and laugh make my heart leap. She knows more of me than probably anyone alive. Perfect white skin. Perfect height. Perfectly talented. Perfect voice. Perfect personality. Perfect everything. Perfect. You. You are her. You’ve always been. You’ll always be. It doesn’t matter what anybody else says. You will always be the One. My One. I hope you know that. I hope you know that I am always here for you. I am scared though, I’m still not perfect! No matter how much I want to be for you. I will do my best though :) I won’t stop trying.

I’m also scared cause I know you might not want this. You might now want to risk another relationship with me. I know you probably are still deeply hurt, and you probably will have a hard time trusting me again. I don’t blame you. Take whatever time you need! And if the day comes when you will be my sweetheart again, I will be here. :) And I will be there for you all along the way. Even if you don’t now, nor ever will, I’ll be there for you, because you deserve the best, especially from me. Anyways, I will be hopeful and believe that the day will come :) and, I can imagine one of your concerns will be whether a relationship will distract me from my mission! :D

Anna, the fact that you exist distracts me from my mission haha (and from everything else to be most honest). BUT! For the last six months I tried quite hard to pretend you didn’t exist… And the last six months were some of the most difficult months of my life. I did not have hope. I was afraid to trust God. I had a hard time finding motivation. I would say that they were less than optimum. And, since my “turning point,” when, through some miracles, Heavenly Father showed me that I had a chance with the most wonderful woman in the world (you :)) I have begun to change. I have hope. I trust in God much more sincerely. I have motivation for being perfect someday and working towards it. That motivation is you. I’m doing it for you. I want to become great for you.

Now, I don’t want to guilt you into anything. Please don’t feel like you’re obligated to talk to me :) (Though I’d love it dearly.) I want to be 1005 real and sincere about whatever you do. I want you to keep being you. But if you’re concerned about being a distraction, not having you is more of a distraction than anything else. Because I need you! I don’t just want you. I need you. :) There’s an empty hole in my heart that’s never been filled, and you are the only one with the key. You literally bring me peace.

So, although I will be distracted a little if I’ve got a fantasmic GF, I will be far less distracted and far more motivated than in any other situation. STILL! Be real. Don’t feel guilty. I understand why you would say no and though I wouldn’t be quite as focused without your absolutely glorious heart in my arms, I wouldn’t blame you at all :) I would understand, and I wouldn’t stop trying to make your day whenever I could, anyways.

Don’t get me wrong though, I still want you, from sunrise to sunrise, and that won’t ever quit. I’m going to want you until the end of eternity and beyond. I probably even had a crush on you in the pre-existence ;) For reals!

Anyways, it’s your birthday! Have a blast! Do fun stuff! I’ll pretend I’m there with you :) In a couple years I want to be! If I were there I’d take you to the ocean.

Anyways, Happy Happy Birthday to Yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu !!! !!! I really hope my mom found the pictures and is giving them to you with this. If she can’t find them, know that I’m going to get them to you as soon as I possibly can! :) They are yours and only yours. I am yours and only yours. Be mine ❤ :)

I love you. Forever and Always

No matter what

Love,

Elder T. G. Malevolent

T.G.M.

P.S. Look! I made stamps out of pink erasers! :D

P.P.S. You smell sooo gooooooood!!!!!!!!!

P.P.P.S. I didn’t spend too much time on the picture, don’t worry ;P

Proverbs 5:18;D


There you have it! My letter!

T.G.M.

10/23/13 7:45 am

Today, we have interviews with Pres Piggs and I’m going to tell him about the situations with you and ask how best to proceed. How to manage all this stress best. I’ve reread through the letter I’m sending you. It sounds great:)

I think it will work! Not only in helping you understand me but in helping us get closer to a relationship. I think the timing is great as well. You just moved. Got a job. Quit school. A fresh clean state. Also, the last two weeks of my emails have doubtless prepared you mentally for this a little. I’m being consistent I see. I’m obviously changed. Heavenly Father is doing a fantastic job with me…

10:35am Wow. That was a fantastic interview. I learned the value of planning, again I’m accountable to the Lord. These interviews are helpful!

President Piggs said some specific things to me. He said I have compassion for people with problems because of my experiences in life. He said I have a strong, good mind & that I am a deep thinker with a deep understanding of things further than most people develop. He said I should use that to find people I can bless; downtrodden. He said to read 3 Nephi 12:22024 in regards to my relationship with Anna. He said I “gotta forgive her.” I also feel I need ot forgive myself. But most of all, her. He said there was more in my email.

Then he proceeded to share five scriptures with me: D&C 88:73, Jacob 5:26027, D&C 138:56, Jacob 6:2–3, Ether 12:2–3. The first of those talks about the Lord hastening his work. THe word “hasten” means to quicken. All over in the D&C it talks about us not hastening the work but of the Lord hastening His work. This time of His hastening is now. We need to be slow and thorough while He hastens His work by preparing people and provides more opportunities and missionaries to accomplish such a miracle faster before the “end cometh”

The second scripture talks about the Lord and His servant. The Lord being Jesus Christ and the servant being the Prophet. Since Jeremiah Simpleton the Prophets have been praying for more time as the verses say. The Lord, though seeing the wickedness of the people and thus desiring to cleanse the earth for the righteous waited while the few were found and brought into the Church. Now, the Lord is hastening the Work and the Prophet is no longer praying for more time, but is instead seeking the Lord’s will in hastening the missionary efforts in the world. The Lord made it known that the age should be lowered for missionaries to enter the field after the Prophet sought for guidance on how to help hasten the work. The time is now.

The third scripture talks about noble and great spirits being taught lessons in the world before this one, to prepare them to work in such a great cause. He said this is me and all the others out here who are to bring souls unto Christ.

The fourth scripture says this is the last time before “the end soon cometh.” “And how blessed are they who have labored diligently in his vineyard…” This is us as well…

The last scripture talks of Ether and how “he could not be restrained” from crying and “exhorting the people to believe in God unto repentance.” He said to be like Ether. So that I cannot be restrained “because of the Spirit of the Lord which [is] in” me. That I “cry from the morning, even until the going down of the sun…”

He said that “it is not meet for man to run faster than he has strength” but to run with all my strength and not to beat myself up. Stretch a little. But not too far.

Follow the Spirit. President Piggs certainly does and he is excellent at helping me. The Lord knows. In my Patriarchal Blessing I see a pattern of things happening in the order that they are mentioned. Just before it talks about my lineage and then future spouse, it tells me that I will gain a great appreciation for missionary work and will recognize how special I am, being here, now, today involved in one of the greatest gatherings of the Lord’s people. Then it goes on to say I’ll be a strong influence in my family and then, bam!, I get married! If all goes as I can see it going, everything will be quite perfectly alligned. :)

Here, now, is perfect for me to send this package to you. I know the Lord has me in His hands, even when I’m not sure how I could be. I love the Lord. I love life. I love how perfectly I’m seeing each facet of my life, even extremely painful things,”working together for [my][and others] good. The good of the righteous. :)

Brother Bernard Lamponi and Brother Shelbern Ricken were my Seminary teachers! Brother L taught me during my freshman year and Bro. Rick. for all the next 3 as well as the first year of Institute.

4:08pm I just sent your package! I love you!

9:00pm I love you!!!!!!!!!!! :D Wow! Today was fantastic! With interviews and then sending your package I have been pumped up! We went & visited a whole bunch of people and were very busy. It was crazy!

10pm Oh boy, I have set it in motion. The beginning of the end of the wait for your reply is near!

T.G.M.

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