“I thought using a vibrator would feel impersonal and dramatic…” 004

25 // USA // Straight // Female

Camila Cordeiro // Unsplash.com

I was raised to view sex…

I was raised in a liberal and realistic family, but sex was never talked about openly. I lied to my mom about needing to go on birth control for my bad cramps (I’ve never in my life had cramps). I want to be the type of mom that talks openly about sex with her kids, but I’m afraid I’ll be the type of mom that is overprotective. I lost my virginity at age 16 and remember thinking I was the most mature 16 year old in the world. I look back now and want to scream at myself. I WAS SO YOUNG AND CLUELESS! It is also worth noting that this particularly mature moment took place in a bunk bed.

What holds me back in my sex life…

I think too much during sex. I have to think about not thinking. Even when I orgasm, I think there is a part of me that cuts it short. I can never quite figure out why. It’s like I’m afraid what will happen if I lose all control over the situation? I sometimes stop my partner in the middle because I feel too overwhelmed. I gotta figure this one out…

To me, good sex is…

The kind that makes you get out of bed to eat a pint of ice cream naked.

What really kills the mood…

When I can’t clear my head. I’ve always had a really hard time doing so. When I go to get a massage, I spend the entire time wondering what other people think about when they get massages, what are you supposed to think about? Sometimes I find myself in this same loop during sex and get all angry at myself for it. Needless to say, that kills the mood….

I was surprised by how much I liked…

Using a vibrator in bed (the disposable $15 kind you buy at the pharmacy, shockingly enough) with my partner. I have only slept with men that I love or very deeply care about and I have always shied away from impersonal intimacy — it is generally very difficult for me to feel comfortable with people. I thought using a vibrator would feel impersonal and dramatic, but it ended up being the opposite. A new experience that I would recommend to anyone in a long term relationship. My reaction is always — wow, I can’t believe we get to do this for each other. How lucky are we.

I orgasm…

Often. But certainly not every time. It takes a bit of concentration on my part to orgasm — that never seems like the case for men. Sometimes I don’t have enough concentration to devote to achieving orgasm, but often I don’t mind. It sometimes feels just as satisfying to provide that experience to my partner. I kind of love how you can enjoy something just because your partner does. Does this make me not a feminist?

When I think about contraceptives…

I have been on oral birth control since I started having sex. I’ve been in two long term relationships and have never had sex without a condom. I have this (likely unfounded) feeling that the first time I do will feel like a whole new thing.

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