“My vagina is a magical treasure trove…” 002
26 // USA // Bisexual // Cis Female
I was raised to view sex…
Hi. I’m a 26-year-old lady that grew up in the deep South, the recipient of an abstinence-only education and a single mother that shied away from anything uncomfortable, which definitely meant no “birds and the bees” talk. Pre-marital sex was definitely not viewed as okay, though we weren’t really religious, and we never talked about why. In fact, my mom and I never even talked about kissing boys. We just avoided the subject entirely. I remember getting caught when I was 5 or 6 by one of my mom’s boyfriends, John, in the midst of playing “doctor” with a neighbor girl. We were looking at each other’s vaginas to see what the deal was down there. I remember the shocked look on his face as he walked in on us, me bent over her with my stethoscope around my neck, and I was aware that I had done something “bad.” I don’t remember what he said to us, but later that day, my mom barely broached the subject.
“What John saw you doing…don’t do it again, okay?”
I wasn’t really sure what had happened, but it seemed like I was in trouble, and I definitely didn’t want to be in trouble.
I was an introverted girl that liked scifi and didn’t drink until my senior year, which made me a late bloomer in my hometown. My first boyfriend was my Bible Study teacher’s son, my sophomore year. He was even more conservative than me, and only went so far as to touch my chest, over the bra. I’d only discovered masturbating a few years before, through hearing about it in jokes and movies, but had only tried it a few times, which left me feeling dirty. Bible Study boyfriend and I broke up when he left for college. Senior year I realized maybe hardcore Christianity wasn’t my thing, and I dated a male friend of mine, Roger, that was far more advanced than me.
Roger was adamant that being physical was how people proved their love to one another, and I hadn’t ever heard anyone talk about consent inside of a committed relationship. After 5 months of his pleas, I found myself asking my female friends to explain to me how one gives a blow job or has sex. I’ll always remember Katy, the friend that gave me a detailed description of licking a penis up and down, and what “missionary” looked like.
I also did some Googling, which lead me to Cosmo and similar sites in the vein of “how to please a man!” They were very acrobatic in their descriptions of sex positions. Standing against a wall and having a man lift me up while wrapped a leg around his neck made me feel more scared than informed. I thought about watching porn to try and figure sex out, but was too nervous because I had been told that porn is dirty and shameful.
I lost my virginity to Roger on an air mattress in his basement, while his parents were out seeing No Country for Old Men. It took me a few more months to start to realize “why the fuck am I doing something I don’t want to be doing,” and “why the fuck am I begging for love from this awful human,” which unfortunately came at the same time I realized he had been cheating on me the entire relationship.
My view on sex has changed…
It’s changed a ton through the past ten years. The rocky introduction to my existence as a sexual being and the shame I carried around needing to be “pure” were/are hard to overcome. None of my friends really talked about sex at this time. Most of my highschool friends were still virgins, and we talked about it mostly hypothetically. My college friends didn’t talk much about their sex lives, except to speculate who had been with who. They kept any sexual escapades pretty under wraps, and there seemed to be an unspoken need to not sleep with too many partners. We didn’t talk much about female pleasure, or a woman wanting sex, or experimenting with our sexuality.
Early in my teen years I had found myself attracted to both women and men. I didn’t think I was a lesbian, because I felt a desire to sleep with men. But I did have trouble figuring out what I really wanted, because my sexual desire felt low in general. Did I desire men because I had been taught to desire men? Did I desire women because the female body is so sexualized in the media, so I was simply internalizing media messages? I buried this inside because I didn’t want other people to judge me, and I continued dating men.
My view on sex evolved and expanded post-college. I met a group of friends that were unabashed in talking about their sexual desires and exploits. I suddenly had bisexual friends, gay friends, straight friends, polyamorous friends, all who were loud and proud with what they wanted. I became a part of different women’s groups where we talked about our desires and women talked about releasing sexual shame. I felt the most free I had ever felt to be whoever I felt like being and love whoever I felt like loving.
In college, I had had a few clumsy, drunken makeouts with women that I never talked about with anyone, but I had never dated a woman. Post-college, my only long-term relationships have been with men but I have casually women, and slept with a woman for the first time.
An “aha” moment in my sex life…
My first time going down on a woman. I expected all the sexual feelings I felt, but I didn’t expect this crazy reverance and love for femininity and my own body. I had never before been on the side of giving pleasure to a vagina, not just receiving it. It made me feel so much love and reverence for my own existence as a woman, and for my entire body. I hadn’t realized before that point how strongly I had internalized comments from men, like, “vaginas smell bad,” or “vaginas should be shaved,” or the fear of being considered unattractive, shaped wrong, too jiggly, too anything. All of these ridiculous viewpoints that are hard to admit that I thought about myself. All of a sudden, when I was the one seeing a woman as a lover, it made me love my body in all of its curves and uniqueness, and love my vagina because it is a magical treasure trove.
What holds me back in my sex life…
It’s hard for me to stay present while I’m having sex. My brain disconnects from my body, and I start thinking “Am I going to come fast enough, is he going to come too fast, am I doing this right, am I liking this right now, should I be making more/less noise?” Sometimes I get myself in the mood mid-sex by picturing a time I had really good sex. I want to stop doing this because I’d like to actually be present in my own body in the moment, instead of just reliving the past.
A belief I once held about sex that I no longer buy into…
Faking orgasms!! I have many times in the past, because sometimes I just want sex to end! I swear as of writing this that I will not do this any more because it is unproductive and unfair to my partners. Also, sex isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey, right??
The G Spot is…
Nonexistant for me! Clit all the way. That’s pretty much the only thing that feels good for me, but I may just have not gotten very far in my sexual explorations. Maybe once I’m more comfortable and present during sex, new worlds will open for me?
Enjoyable, but it’s pretty all or nothing for me. I’m either wanting to do it every day, or I forget about my sex drive for weeks at a time. I don’t know what this is all about. I’ve recently discovered Erika Lust’s porn, which is amazing. Real people write their fantasies and she makes them come to life. Check them out!
The best sexy time song is…
“Do I Wanna Know” by the Arctic Monkeys, or anything Jamie XX.