Choose to be or NOT to be.

For my entire life, I’ve always thought being in a grey area was about understanding both stand point or having both things. Of course, we all know that isn’t usually the case for most.

Almost 8 years ago, when I first moved into the city, I had a future goal, I wanted to be a well-known fashion designer in a certain age. Year by year, the vision became more unclear and blurry. I didn’t know what I was really doing nor what I was thinking. I started to think about the ‘What If’ possibilties. What if I chose another major, what if this decision was a mistake, or what if I take a year off, but what will happen to me then? I wasn’t happy. But I was obligated and stubborn to finish what I’ve started. And maybe eventually I’ll figure out what I really wanted to do in the future. I realized now that I can’t make future goals because they give an illusion of myself WANTING to succeed them instead of realistically doing them.

I was discussing with my trusted climbing partner about achievement and results. I told him what I was thinking and what I thought wanted to achieve. He critically asked me, “So that’s it, then what’s next? Once you reached your peak, what’s your next happiness? Does result make you content?” The silence came after that. That question was engraved into my head. What is my happiness?

During our discussion, he shared what his personal achievements, how he worked at Wall Street in his 20’s and bought his first condominium at the upper east side, started making X amount of money in a certain year, figured his stuff out XYZ. Now he’s in his forties and he questions his happiness. He mentions that everyone only cares about results and believe to be given them as happiness. But results are more about successful moments that last for a day, then eventually becomes boredom.

Find the small things in life that really gave you happiness in the first place. Capture that moment, cease that experience and remember how you became who you are today. He quotes, “Invest the experience that’s more worth while instead of investing on personal things. So ask yourself, “Do you want to invest a rolex or invest a good blow job experience?” This was by far the most hilarious and most truthful advice I heard from anyone. And I will forever remember it.

To Be Happy.

From my own perspective, I see two choices: being TRULY happy or to smile without a purpose. If either of these choices is made, inevitably there will be many difficult challenges to face.

Many people choose to smile without a purpose because it is what grounds them. It is a foundation to the path of security or a safe passage or false happiness. Choosing to be happy means to choose the self over others, without feeling any obligation or responsibility or not thinking of others. It takes a lot bravery to admit the unhappiness but it takes so much more to choose it. It is unsteady at first. You feel the ground shakes beneath you and you’re going to fall into endless shame. But you can overcome the first step and start building a new foundation of self. It is indeed selfishness. However, the outcome would be worth it and there will be no result. Because as a result, it will be endless journey of building your self-happiness.

We were given an illusion that sacrificing our happiness can give or make other’s happy. The selflessness. In some level of awareness, I agree dearly. Caring or devoting to others makes us happy but not fully. There’s a balance between the selfless and the selfish. And if we become more attentive about ourselves, then the happiness can travel across to others.

Even though, I’m facing through major complications in my current state. I have NEVER felt more alive and happy than before. Truly.