Hey weirdo’s this is the second time I am writing this. Should have saved before I restarted, lol. I have been having a hard time the last few weeks. Started down a path I’m glad I did not follow through with. I stopped doing my homework. I stopped calling people in recovery. Stopped talking to my sponsor. Most of all I was off my bipolar medication. As well as some of my schizophrenia medication. Which is not good, to say the least. Hopefully it won’t happen again. Changed pharmacies so I knew something had to go wrong at six months clean. At the end of it I lost a few hundred dollars and felt like a jackass. Won’t get into specifics, but you can guess when I say that Instagram is a black hole. Does not take a genius. I can have my friends in recovery say that I am wonderful and funny. I can have my friends who are not in recovery say that I am charming and sweet. I can have my family say they are proud and can’t believe how far I have come. All of this means nothing at times. I would throw away all of this for three little words. I love you. Romantic love, not the same as family and friends. It’s been a struggle. I want someone I can cook for. Someone I can cuddle with and watch Netflix with. Someone I can go on hikes with. We go out to eat and we split the bill. I have never experienced any of these things; and still might never experience the last one, lol. I want things so bad that I keep trying to skip the line and get it right now. Knowing that good things take time. Recently I keep deleting apps going back and forth with no I am not sending you money. Why argue with scammers right? Well I am an idiot when it comes to sex. I told myself when I found this ring which magically appeared next to me just when I was missing the old one. I promised my future partner that I would not have sex before marriage. Some might say I came really close to breaking that promise. I know that she or he is out there going through similar things, and in this women I am thinking of her beating off suitors with a stick. I have no idea if she is just another girl or, “the girl”, and I need to be patient. Either way God is good. Speaking of which, that is who I should be looking for affirmation from. I know how he sees me. He says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am saved by grace which is a gift from God. it is not by work so that no one can boast. When he looks at me he sees Jesus. I’m clean because of him. It’s my choice to murky the waters of my soul. I want to change and be a better person than I was. Not because I have too. I need to focus on myself and my relationship with the big guy. Work on my finances, build my credit, continue to pay off debt. Get a couple of courses done in college. Which I have until September, right that’s plenty of time to pay off a few cards. Build my resume, and pass the peer specialist certification. One day at a time. Be better than I was yesterday, so that tomorrow I am a better person than I was today. I can’t look too far back. I need to focus on today this moment right here and right now. Remember that hope, faith and love are worth fighting for. thanks to everyone who reads my blog. It means a lot. Do something nice for yourself today, eat something sweet. Go for a walk, enjoy the rain. Make a dumb joke to a friend you haven’t talked to for a while. Make this world a better place with your actions. Be a light in your community. There is enough darkness already. Love you weirdo’s! keep on, keeping on.
