Ketamine Infusion Therapy

Instead of my final Ketamine infusion treatment, I sent this email to my psychiatrist. In the process, this had them call my support system and give me an ultimatum of going into hospitalization. I agreed. I am the psychopath. I've committed emotional rape hundreds of time. Intent manifest. …

A stream of pressured speech born from mixed mania, as it was delivered to my computer screen as a journalling effort on that particular Halloween evening. Suffer. I slept through and missed all of Halloween. Another failure. Suffer. What did I wake up to? …

Slept very scattered but was able to sleep until at least 6AM. I have a lingering full headache and body aches… it’s all the alcohol. It’s poison. The alcohol definitely muted the effects of the Ketamine. I felt tipsy and good in a sense, but terribly empty. …

Wonders never cease. A new life consistently unfolds with new answers and new questions. I just got up after a long nap from my infusion. I let the unfolding lead me… Only you could possibly see this and not desert me. Only you remain, with your unwavering gaze — with…

Ahhh… the ecstasy of unbecoming. Very acute awareness that, when you keep riding the spiral, it will ultimately collapse down to the narrator and the unfolding itself. This was an ego death of sorts. It wasn’t me anymore, it was the telling of stories in general and in the absolute…

Guided meditation to start with before going to binaural beats. Doubted at first how I’d sink into it but was completely into every word by the end of the meditation. Thoughts are just that — thoughts. But they have power and can become what feels like all of your being…

Wow. It’s all an amorphous mass. It’s forever unfolding. We sample bits and pieces of reality and manifest an aberration that is our subjective experience. And we can tap into that. I saw myself on the savannah. Hunter gatherer. Providing for and protecting <redacted> and my girls. The pain I…