Satire

What the box grater lacks in Food Network endorsements, it more than makes up for in brutish efficiency. — Dearest Foodies, I hope this Instagram tag finds you well. As my fans “The Babybels” already know, my syndicated Cheese Master column was recently phased out, but I’ve found solace from critiquing hundreds of thousands of amateur recipes. That’s where you come in! It’s #CheeseMasterClass day!

These tumblers may contain BPA’s because sometimes there’s a price for hot-shit tumblers and that price is cancer. — I’m a mom. I love wine. Personalized wine-spiration is what I’m about. And I’m having a big sale in my #WineMom Etsy store. IFYKYK. That means If you know, you know, That’s for all the people that don’t know. I’m almost sold out of my hot-shit wine tumbler in bitching…

I give everything… to make her like me — What’s that noise in my head? It’s like the coyote chasing the roadrunner. I fucking hate it. Dating looks cool only in movies… like fight scenes. In reality, it’s brutal and bloody. Hayley. Hayley is the name of the girl in front of me. It irritates… all my first dates…

The Best Day of the Week, Right? Chicos y Chicas, Hola! Stop running; you made it. You survived another week. I won’t tell you what you have to do on Monday, that would be mean. Here we are again, capping the week off. My job is to ease you into…

I take back all my knowledge — As a first-time RA, I was ecstatic to create an informative PowerPoint presentation for my freshmen residents about college living. …

What is wrong with this picture? — Chill as Red Hot Chilly At Bicho Spills, we are inclusive, acceptable, and usable. Yada? Ya. There’s not much to irritate us, other than the orange color of a particular human being. Amputated-too-long-name Michael Burg, can attest. Other than that, it’s live and let vile. But we have our exceptions, especially when comes to our…

Let us prey — Please bow your heads and don’t look. O Lord, we give thanks to millions of our fellow Americans for not shooting. Because of them, most of us in this great, great nation are still alive. We pray for the wise men in power who look so sad after each school…

How to Talk to Your Family About max. As of this week, the former HBOMax streaming service will be known as, simply, max. We know this transition will be challenging, even for some grown-ups, but it can be especially devastating for young children. They’re liable to have many difficult questions…

The cat was staring at him, occasionally half-shutting and re-opening its eyes. I found it unnerving, at first, but somehow, soothing, too. Far more unsettling was the putative client, sitting in a chair beside the cat’s own, who concluded his brief self-identification this way: “I believe we have a valid…