Self Reflection

I decided to take a week off from my current job as a research assistant, to travel alone around my homeland Taiwan. I was burnt out from work. I found no satisfaction or any sense of achievement or joy in my current job. I felt useless. I had been applying…

Oh. It’s a delightful two letter word that somehow manages to mean so much in and through the intonation. A single syllable. Practically a single letter, silent “h” just there for posterity. And yet it’s rivaled in versatility only by it’s far more famous four-letter friend. Oh, you know who…

上次写博客类的文章已不知是猴年马月的事了。实际上也约等于没写过，那时候博客刚在国内兴起，赶潮流地在新浪建了个账号，写了几篇后就兴致索然，随波逐别的潮流去了。 如今重新开始，其实和当初的心血来潮有些类似，所以也不确定能坚持多久，能多频繁地更新。 感觉现在的博客和以前很不一样了。从前人们大多记录的是自己的情绪，心事，一些小文艺的情节，现在的博客更多地成了传播理念，知识，技术，以及情感交流的平台，在此基础上辅以每个人不同的个性产生的写作习惯，博客变得多元化了。 我总觉得自己是个矛盾但统一的个体，矛盾在于我游走于文艺与接地气之间，统一在于这种游走大概都是因为善于共情。由于这种共情让我对善恶美丑世间万象的接受程度很宽泛（估计我是存在即合理的坚实拥趸）。不过再宽泛，心里总还是有一杆秤，可是一直需要去衡量让我觉得很疲惫，于是渐渐产生了所谓“随和”的个性，习惯了随波逐流，不去评判，只去接受。具体到写东西这事来说吧，之前从没想过自己想要表达什么，而是想要迎合大流。学生时代花了不少时间去学写作文，学了一堆应试的论文写作方法，拿到题目就开始“套公式”，只要迎合主旋律且针砭时弊略带批判性就行了，却从没考虑过自己内心真正想表达什么（现在回想起来最怀念的只那个不到10平米挤满了30多人，上厕所需要整顿好衣冠步行5分钟去到对面五星级大酒店大堂解决的那个小房间）。后来听从父母的意愿选了理科即使更偏爱文科，现在从事了和统计、数据科学相关的工作，之前也总想着要写些技术的博客好让它来变成自己简历的一部分，依然是想要迎合市场大流。

You are not as you seem. — Are you good or are you evil? Charitable or self-serving? You’ve done so much yet none at all. Not enough for me not to see who you really are. You’re greedy. So reckless, you know not when to quit. Your actions seems so heroic yet with an always bitter twist. …

Is there truly nothing for you to give? — Do you really have nothing to say, To my pain, to my tears. Have I come running to a cold embrace once again, With nothing to show for it but disappointment and regret. May it pays to be cold and unfeeling, Instead of fighting on pitifully like a dying fuse. Maybe I…