How well I understand the triggers from childhood trauma. My story is very different than yours, but the visceral reactions are the same.
It is good that we are exorcising our demons through writing. Spilling our guts on paper and liberating our souls in the process.
Oh Deborah, my heart breaks reading your story and I can truly relate. While never having been violently raped, on more than one occasion (when I was young), I have been coerced after saying no for hours, under the influence of drugs and alcohol and finally just gave in. I felt like shit afterwards and carried the shame with me for years.
That is a chance for discovery. I tried on identities for many years, I think in small ways I try on new ones still. But, my husband has helped me dig out of the mess that once was.. The one where I was just trying to find commonality with others. The one where I was suppressing true feelings for the sake of companionship.
