The Day My Anxiety Appeared

When I was younger I began to have anxiety. No one recognized it as such. It wasn’t until 5th grade that I really remember feeling it.

The sensation I would get in my body. The instant feeling of more than just concern. It was a particular feeling of not being able to breathe and a pit in my stomach that felt like something was wrong with something.

I worried as a child as some children do. But my worry became concerning. My behavior changed.

It surrounded my dad’s work hours and the shift changes that I grew to despise.

I was suddenly faking being ill just so I could see my dad before his swing shift. I would plan to get a “stomachache” or “headache” right about the time I knew he would be preparing to leave the house.

I would tell the teacher and off I would go to the nurse’s office. A phone call to my dad and he was instantly there before his shift.

I just needed to see him and to give him a hug. I needed the security of knowing he was okay.

See I often didn’t get to see him because of his swing shift or graveyard shift. He would be sleeping as I woke up or he was off to work about an hour before I got out.

Change is really hard for me and this change was significant because I missed him much more than before. When I was younger I didn’t notice the shift change. He’s always had different shifts throughout the year.

I despised those shifts and longed for the day shifts and prayed to God for the shift change.

But it wasn’t just the shift change. Like I said before it was about security in seeing him and knowing he was okay. Specifically him and here is the why.

The day it shifted for me was the LA Riots. My dad was at work. A day shift. However I was at my Nana and Papa’s house after school. My papa would watch the news at the news cycles. He loved the news and I got my love for it from him. He constantly wanted to be informed and I understand why he did.

The LA Riots had broken out while my dad was at work. I remember sitting in front of the TV News being exposed to all the things they were covering. At some point, I put two and two together and my heart began to beat fast.

I sat quietly becoming more frightened and scared as I watched things unfold. I was wondering how my dad was even going to get home safe. I was reassured he was okay. I don’t know how they did, there was no cell phone in our house yet.

He did get home safely that day, but I remember hugging him so tight I didn’t want to let him go.

After that day, I for sure can tell you anxiety was about to get real, real quick.

I upped my faking sick game and created more habits that were strange for a fifth grader, but quickly my parents caught on. Before I knew it, they knew and had begun to set up what would be my first counseling session with school psychologist.

I was uneasy about it, but trusting as I am quickly opened up about the things I was feeling. They called them normal feelings. I think they really just thought it was natural worry. I knew better, but again would not know how to properly deal with it.

My shenanigans of faking sick were quickly over as well as the other habits I had created and my parents made accommodations to make sure I got to see dad before I left for school and sometimes stay up late to see him get home.

My mom would surprise me by taking me up to Universal where my dad worked and have lunch with the “tram garage guys.” This was always a treat for me to have lunch with my dad and be able to bring lunch for my dad’s closest friends and co-workers.

It helped ease the anxiety for the time.

This was the day I remember my anxiety appearing in my life. I wasn’t able to call it that until years later. Remember everyone thought it was just natural worry.

I tell you all this to let you know that my life has been a battlefield and I have struggled to understand what I have come to know as anxiety.

I want you to know that I know I am not alone on the battlefield. I know there is more of us that have anxiety and have a daily challenge to work through it.

If I told you my story, you would see that I am by no means perfect or have it all together.

Some days I am barely swimming through the waters and others I am floating with not a care in the world.

In my short 37 years of life, anxiety has caused grief, healing, tears, fears, confidence, breathing and God much closer than I ever thought would be.

It has taught me along the way. It has brought clarity to murky waters.

I am excited for you to share in this adventure and journey with me as I begin sharing how God has brought me through some of the darkest times in my life.

How I still have a daily challenge with anxiety and how I have learned techniques that really help my village care for myself living with anxiety.

Lastly learning that I had to find people that would walk with me through the darkness and hold my hand when I am trying to find the light.