Too much for barely being Wednesday

I sat in my office trying to prep for my class. My mind wandered.

There is really no explanation for it. My body has been completely overwhelmed with grief.

I enjoy watching basketball. I am not a fan of any team as I don’t have clothing or deep passion to follow a specific team. However growing up in LA you watched the Lakers and Clippers.

Growing up in LA meant a lot of your friends loved the teams. I grew to know the players. But only one stood out clear in my childhood. That was Kobe.

There are times where you can recall where you were during tragic events. I can tell you a few.

However Sunday was a different story. I will always recall the day I found out Kobe died. Still doesn’t seem real. I can say it but words fail to make me feel this is real. And honestly I am not sure what will ever make it real.

One thing I know that when I heard his daughter was also with him that was it for me. I have a young daughter who is just now falling in love with basketball.

She just got her first basketball and in fact a few weeks ago got her first basketball injury…fractured finger.

On Sunday all I could think about was the families. The young girls who will never grow up. The parents who won’t get to see their other children grow up. The husbands and wives gone from their significant other.

That sank in so deep. Immediately my fears and anxieties are high. I think the only thing that separates us in this is that there was a celebrity.

Would I feel the same way if there wasn’t one? Yes, because I’m a mother to a young child and wife to husband.

I instantly relate. I feel their pain though I have not experienced what they have. My brain can’t fathom losing one and two is unimaginable.

My brain is mushy. Going to work and attempting to keep it moving passed fear and anxiety.

And when it bubbles up, trying to talk it down.

Grieving and being overwhelmed with anxious thoughts only making me feel like its too much for only being Wednesday.

This grief we feel makes it feel like days and possibly weeks.

It’s only been a couple days but it’s all been too much.

The constant news cycle on TV and social media. I have seen so many people say they are taking a break from it all.

Any and all media has been constant.

Meanwhile we all wonder why did this happen?

While it will be days and weeks until we know something more our brains and social media interactions will do the rest.

In three days my brain is struggling to comprehend so much pain over the loss of 9 lives.

Over young children heading to games.

I may not have a helicopter but I take my daughter to dance class.

The fact that something or anything can happen on the way there or on the way back brings a difficult reality that we are not immortal as much as we feel we might be.

It brings tears to my eyes knowing every moment I have taken for granted.

Every argument I have left without resolve.

Every time I didn’t get the hug I usually give or get.

Reality can bite and this time it has bit us hard.

We see how much these parents deeply loved their children and community. And in one moment they were gone from this world.

Too much for only being Wednesday.

I take peace knowing these children were with their parents when this occurred. I can’t even imagine. I can’t.

I am reminded of something that my friend’s mom said… “Life isn’t fair.”

Nope it isn’t. And the hard reality that dealing with our overwhelming grief is just going to continue for the days ahead is a struggle.

My heart is with those left behind to push through the struggle of being left.

Every time I imagine what they may be feeling I am pushed to uncontrollable tears like right now.

My heartaches. My heart fears. My heart is filled with my own realities and anxieties.

Hug your babies and loved ones tight. Make sure they know you love them. Check in on them.

This is all too much for barely being Wednesday.