This one’s not about myself
(Not everyone has a story. The majority of the population are background characters. There is one true universal remote in existence. It gives its holder incredible power, and makes them the main character).
This was supposed to be story about me. A story of MY achievements. But it does not matter anymore. I am just as insignificant as Ralph, who has been working at the local McDonalds for as long as I can remember. Or Ted from accounting . This story is supposed to be about the holder of a universal remote.It gives them immense power. And more importantly, makes them the main character of this story.
This said remote has passed through many a hand in history. The very phrase “15 minutes of fame” is said to arise from it.Many don’t know about it.Some do, and hold on to it for as long as they can.
This remote has caused much blood shed throughout history A lot of wars have been fought over it, the two World Wars being two notable examples. I myself found it by the roadside inside a certain zoo,Cincinnati,I think. I have started rambling a bit now. I will be honest and to the point. The present owner of the remote is the Crow.
See? Earlier, it would have been just “a crow”, but now since it is the owner of the said remote, the format has to be changed.
So, the first question which arises is, “How did the Crow come into the possession of the remote”? The answer is pretty simple actually. He snatched it from your stupid narrator, me. The narrator of this story was careless and had taken the remote to his garden(for reasons unknown) where it was snatched away from his hands by the the Crow.He tried to pursue it, but the Crow simple flew away before the narrator could do anything.
And now, I will proceed to tell you about some of its antics, since this story is supposed to be about it (obviously).So this Crow of ours,after snatching the Universal Remote, becoming the main character of this story in the process, flew to its nest(read: secret hideout) and dropped it there amongst the other stuff it had accumulated over years.Stuff like keychains, spoons, hairclips etc.But it wasn’t satisfied yet, and set out to look for more stuff it could steal. Stuff with more BLING(all caps).
The first thing that the Crow spotted was a big gold bracelet, worn by the president of the united states.The president,who was liked by some, but hated by most was giving a speech. He had just started when the Crow ‘attacked’ from behind. It went straight for his wrist, pulled at the bracelet, which coincidentally wasn’t worn properly gave away easily(every story has some kind of lucky coincidence). The Crow flew away before the president could even comprehend what happened,and thereafter made a fool of himself at the speech( which some people say he has been doing all the time).
The rise to fame of the Crow had just begun. It became the star of all the memes and gifs reddit and 9gag produced. Everyone around the world was talking about the Crow which made a fool of the president. And it was just the beginning. The Crow went on to peck at the eyes of a student. It was only later that a gun was found in his bag. Sadly, the narrator of this story has no insight into the mind of the Crow, and cannot tell you why did the Crow decide to attack that student in particular. Maybe it somehow knew, or it was just a coincidence.
The Crow did not stop here, it became a hero. It busted drug cartels, prevented bank robberies, helped the poor by stealing things from the rich and giving it to them. The Crow became a messiah of sorts. It even brought people from all religions together, who termed it as a messenger of god.
And thus, the Crow lived happily ever after to the end of his days, blissfully unaware of its celebrity and godlike status.
The supposed ‘end’ does not happen within the time span of this story, because if it did, the remote would belong to no one in particular , which would further imply that this story to be about no one . But that’s not practical since this story is about the Crow.
And with this, your humble narrator signs off.