The One About Sex
And the piece of post motherhood advice I have to give the most often
In the past I’ve written a bunch of motherhood how-tos which I am compiling here. This is the one about sex after a baby. The lube advice is really the piece of wifely wisdom I’ve probably been asked most often. The just-do-it advice is some of probably the most important:
Modern women are trained to shun the wifely duty. If they are in the mood for sex, no problem. Maintenance sex, however, is akin to selling out. It shouldn’t be. There is nothing wrong with sex just for the sake of pleasing your husband, just as there is nothing wrong with romantic gestures just for the sake of husbands pleasing their wives. Marriage is a partnership. Sometimes we do something for our partner just because they are our partner and that would make them happy. Sex is only one of those things.
Furthermore, sex for married people is also a way to simply reconnect. With all of the stresses of early parenthood, from baby concerns to family tensions, sex doesn’t have to be the ripped clothes thrown into the corner variety to be a good thing. Sorry for going sappy, but sometimes it is just about physical intimacy.
My advice is a bit of “act as if you have faith and it will be given unto you.” If you are willing to engage in a little maintenance sex, then when your drive kicks back into gear a few months later (all women are different, of course, but around six months is pretty common), you might find that you are driving a turbo-charged sports car. If, however, you spend those months complaining about your demanding husband and letting resentment fester, then you might find that you have a rusty El Camino with water in the gas tank. Husbands should take note, too, that the early stages are likely to be maintenance sex. He shouldn’t worry, shouldn’t read anything into, if you just aren’t that into it at first. Just do it.
This excerpt, however, is my favorite bit.
Do not fall into the modern trap of thinking that childbirth means you must — or can — go full domestic as soon as you get home from the hospital. True, housewifery isn’t rocket science, as the Second Wave feminists liked to berate us, but it is a practical skill…which takes practice. Nor is maternity leave a time to prove your Enjoli woman abilities.
This way lies tears, exhaustion, and husbands who do not help because they think they are not allowed. It is one of modern women’s many ironies that as our mothers told us domestic chores were unintelligent drudgery we then assumed that they’d be easy to execute cold to prove our feminine powers. That we attempted this gambit while changing the preferred childrearing term from “mothering” to “parenting” is a little proof that there must be an intelligent controlling force in the universe who has a dry sense of humor.
