October Newsletter for Tales From The Narc Side
Newsletter
Hello, dear readers,
As the air grows crisper and the days shorter, we’re reminded of how the seasons change both outside and within us. October is a time for reflection, transformation, and, for many, the eerie clarity that comes when we examine the darker sides of human nature. In Tales From The Narc Side, we explore these shadows with compassion, understanding, and a desire to bring light where once there was confusion and pain.
This Month’s Features:
Spot the Red Flags Early
Sometimes, narcissists don’t make themselves obvious right away. This piece sheds light on the early, often overlooked signs of covert narcissism, helping you identify manipulative behavior before you’re too deep in their web.
Spot the Red Flags Early: 10 Subtle Signs of Covert Narcissism by Myla Morningstar
When people think of narcissism, they often picture someone who’s loud, boastful, and in-your-face. The kind of person who hogs the spotlight, demands attention, and never hesitates to tell you just how great they are. But covert narcissism is far more insidious. These types are harder to spot because they don’t fit the stereotype. They seem shy, self-effacing, even vulnerable at times — but don’t let that fool you. Covert narcissists are just as manipulative and damaging as their more obvious counterparts. The trick is to learn to spot the signs before you’re too deeply entangled.
Here are ten subtle red flags that might indicate you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
1. Feigning Vulnerability
Covert narcissists often present themselves as sensitive, misunderstood souls. They play the victim masterfully, always seeming like they’ve been wronged by life, relationships, or circumstances. At first, their vulnerability draws you in — you feel for them, want to help them. But over time, you’ll notice that their “vulnerability” is a mask, one they use to manipulate others into giving them attention and sympathy.
2. Backhanded Compliments
They won’t outright insult you. No, that would be too obvious. Instead, covert narcissists master the art of the backhanded compliment. “Wow, I didn’t expect you to pull that off,” or “You’re braver than I am to wear something like that.” These comments are designed to sound like praise, but they leave you feeling unsettled and doubting yourself. The trick is that they maintain plausible deniability — if you call them out, they’ll claim they were just being nice.
3. Perpetual Victimhood
Every covert narcissist has a running list of how the world has wronged them. Their ex was crazy, their boss was out to get them, their friends don’t understand them. There’s always someone to blame for their problems, and it’s never them. This pattern of perpetual victimhood not only garners them sympathy but also makes them seem incapable of doing harm — after all, how could they be at fault when the world is always so unfair to them?
4. Quiet Superiority
Unlike overt narcissists who loudly proclaim their superiority, covert narcissists are more subtle. They’ll downplay their accomplishments in a way that still makes it clear they see themselves as better than others. “I didn’t study much, but I guess I just have a natural talent.” Or, “I don’t really try that hard at work, but they keep promoting me anyway.” They act as if success comes effortlessly to them, but they don’t shout it from the rooftops — they quietly drop it into conversations, leaving you to feel lesser by comparison.
5. Passive-Aggressiveness
Covert narcissists are experts in passive-aggression. Instead of confronting issues directly, they’ll give you the silent treatment, make snide remarks under their breath, or do things that subtly sabotage your plans. They might forget an important event, “accidentally” misplace something of yours, or arrive late, blaming circumstances out of their control. This behavior leaves you feeling confused, wondering if you’re overreacting.
6. Manipulating Empathy
Covert narcissists are highly skilled at leveraging your empathy. They’ll share stories of how they’ve been hurt or wronged, pulling at your heartstrings until you feel like you have to take care of them. They thrive on creating a dynamic where you’re constantly trying to support or fix them, while they give very little in return. The more you give, the more they take — until you’re emotionally drained and they’ve secured your loyalty.
7. Smugness in Silence
When you confront them about something, covert narcissists will respond with a blank stare or a calm, disinterested silence. Their lack of reaction is designed to make you feel as though your concerns are ridiculous, that you’re the one being unreasonable. It’s a power move — they won’t engage with you directly, but their silence speaks volumes. It’s meant to make you second-guess yourself and feel small.
8. Intense Sensitivity to Criticism
While covert narcissists might seem laid-back or unbothered, they’re incredibly thin-skinned when it comes to criticism. The smallest slight or perceived insult will send them spiraling. But instead of lashing out, they’ll sulk, act wounded, or shut down completely. They’ll often play the “poor me” card, making you feel guilty for pointing out anything negative about them. Over time, you’ll start walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them.
9. Emotional Withholding
Covert narcissists are masters of emotional withholding. If you’ve upset them or they’re feeling insecure, they’ll withdraw affection, attention, or communication. You’ll feel a sudden coldness, but they won’t tell you why. It’s a form of punishment, designed to make you chase after them, trying to win back their warmth. This push-pull dynamic keeps you hooked, always striving to regain their approval.
10. Performative Humility
One of the sneakiest traits of a covert narcissist is their ability to appear humble and self-effacing. They’ll downplay their achievements, talk about how they “don’t need recognition,” and even criticize themselves publicly. But pay attention — there’s a difference between genuine humility and performative modesty. Covert narcissists do this not because they truly believe it, but because it elicits compliments and validation. It’s a fishing expedition, and you’re the bait.
Covert narcissists are dangerous because they don’t reveal their true nature until you’re already invested — emotionally, mentally, even physically. They hide behind a facade of sensitivity, vulnerability, and quiet superiority, making it hard to see the manipulation until you’re deep in it.
The best way to protect yourself is to learn these early red flags. Pay attention to the subtle shifts in power, the quiet manipulation, the small but persistent letdowns. Once you recognize these signs, you can set boundaries and keep your emotional well-being intact — before their covert tactics take hold.
The truth is, no matter how they present themselves, narcissists are still playing the same old game. The only difference is that with covert narcissists, the moves are hidden in plain sight.
When No Contact Isn’t an Option
What do you do when cutting off the narcissist isn’t feasible? This article offers actionable strategies for managing relationships with narcissists in situations where going completely no-contact isn’t possible — think family, work, or shared parenting. You can still reclaim your peace.
When No Contact Isn’t An Option: Strategies for Surviving the Narcissists in Your Life by Myla Morningstar
The advice you hear most often when dealing with narcissists is simple: go no contact. Cut them out of your life completely, block their number, delete them from social media, and move on. But what if that isn’t an option?
Sometimes, no contact is just not feasible. Maybe the narcissist is a parent, a co-worker, an ex you share children with, or a family member you can’t completely avoid. You still have to function in the same space with them, navigate conversations, and interact in ways that feel impossible when their toxic behavior is constant. So, how do you survive when no contact isn’t on the table?
1. Set Clear Boundaries — And Stick to Them
Narcissists love to push boundaries. It’s how they test the limits of their control over you. The first step in surviving them is to set clear, non-negotiable boundaries. This might mean limiting the time you spend with them, controlling the subjects of conversation, or defining what behaviors are acceptable and what are not.
For example, if the narcissist in your life constantly criticizes you, set a boundary that you will not engage in conversations where insults or put-downs are involved. If they start, walk away. The key is consistency. Narcissists will test your boundaries repeatedly, but holding firm teaches them you’re serious — and over time, they’ll learn how far they can (or can’t) go with you.
2. Limit Emotional Investment
One of the hardest things to accept is that narcissists don’t think like you do. They don’t approach relationships with empathy or mutual respect. Trying to get them to see things from your perspective, or hoping they’ll change, will only leave you frustrated and emotionally drained.
Instead, detach. Stop expecting emotional reciprocity from them, and don’t give them access to your deepest feelings. If you’re in a conversation with a narcissist, keep it surface-level and avoid sharing anything they could later use against you. The less they know about what affects you emotionally, the less power they have over you.
3. Grey Rock Method
The Grey Rock Method is a powerful strategy when dealing with narcissists who thrive on drama. The idea is simple: become as boring and unresponsive as possible. Narcissists feed off of emotional reactions — whether it’s anger, sadness, or excitement. If you deprive them of that energy, they’ll lose interest in trying to provoke you.
When engaging with a narcissist, give short, bland answers. Don’t offer up personal details or get pulled into arguments. Keep things neutral and unemotional. Over time, they’ll stop seeking your attention because you’re no longer giving them the supply they crave.
4. Don’t Take the Bait
Narcissists are masters of baiting you into an emotional reaction. They’ll make passive-aggressive comments, spread rumors, or bring up sensitive subjects just to see you snap. The more you react, the more power you give them.
When they bait you, practice not responding. They’ll say something designed to trigger you — “You’ve always been so selfish,” or “I guess you don’t care about anyone but yourself” — and the temptation to defend yourself will be strong. Resist it. Stay calm, say nothing, or respond with a simple, “That’s your opinion.” Without the emotional payoff, they’ll eventually stop trying to provoke you.
5. Master the Art of Detachment
Emotionally detaching from a narcissist is crucial for survival. This doesn’t mean becoming cold or heartless; it means protecting your own emotional health by not getting sucked into their manipulation. Narcissists thrive on making you feel small, guilty, or confused. The more they can get you to question yourself, the more control they have.
Instead of engaging in their mind games, observe their behavior from a distance. Mentally separate yourself from their attempts to manipulate you. Remind yourself that their actions are a reflection of them, not you. This mental distance will help you stay grounded and prevent their toxicity from seeping into your self-esteem.
6. Use “I” Statements to Avoid Conflict
Narcissists hate being criticized. It threatens their fragile ego, and they will often lash out when confronted. If you need to express something, use “I” statements to avoid direct blame. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when this happens.” This technique softens the criticism and makes it less likely to trigger an aggressive response from them.
Of course, even “I” statements won’t always work with a narcissist, but they can reduce the likelihood of escalating a situation into full-blown conflict.
7. Plan Exit Strategies
You won’t always be able to avoid interaction, but when things start to escalate, it’s important to have an exit strategy. If a conversation is turning toxic, be prepared to excuse yourself. This might mean physically leaving the room or ending a phone call. Having pre-set reasons for exiting — like “I have to get back to work” or “I have an appointment” — can help you leave the situation without confrontation.
Narcissists will try to keep you trapped in their toxic cycles, so planning ways to disengage before things spiral out of control is key.
8. Seek External Validation
Narcissists love to undermine your sense of reality, making you question yourself and your decisions. This is why it’s so important to have a support system outside of your relationship with them. Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, having people who can validate your experiences and remind you that you’re not crazy is crucial.
Narcissists thrive on isolating you and making you feel like no one else could possibly understand what you’re going through. Surround yourself with people who do understand, and who can give you the reality check you need when the narcissist is gaslighting or manipulating you.
9. Accept That They Won’t Change
One of the hardest truths to come to terms with is that narcissists rarely change. You can’t “love” them into being better people, and you can’t rationalize their behavior into something healthy. Narcissism runs deep, and expecting them to suddenly develop empathy or self-awareness is a losing game.
The sooner you accept that they won’t change, the sooner you can adjust your expectations and protect yourself. This doesn’t mean you have to resign yourself to being mistreated; it means recognizing that you need to take steps to safeguard your own well-being rather than hoping for them to become someone they’re not.
10. Focus on Your Own Healing
Surviving a narcissist isn’t just about managing their behavior — it’s about prioritizing your own mental and emotional health. Living with or around a narcissist takes a toll. You can start to lose yourself in the chaos of their manipulation, doubting your worth and questioning your own sanity. Healing from this means taking time to focus on yourself.
Practice self-care, seek therapy if needed, and work on rebuilding your confidence and sense of self. The more you invest in your own well-being, the less control the narcissist will have over you.
When no contact isn’t an option, survival means becoming resilient. It means learning how to manage their toxic behavior while maintaining your own peace. Narcissists are relentless in their manipulation, but by setting boundaries, staying detached, and focusing on your own healing, you can protect yourself from the emotional damage they try so hard to inflict. You may not be able to cut them out completely, but you can take back your power.
Personal Stories
Social Media Games
Does your ex continue to manipulate you through social media? In this candid piece, we explore how narcissists use online platforms to maintain control — and how to break free from their digital grip.
My Narcissistic Ex and Their Social Media Games by Kaitlyn W.
Breaking up with my narcissistic ex was supposed to be the end of the nightmare. I thought I’d finally have peace, space to heal, and time to regain my sense of self. But I quickly learned that the manipulation didn’t stop when we split. No, it simply changed form and moved to their favorite playground — social media.
At first, the posts were vague. You know the type — “Some people just don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone” or “I guess loyalty means nothing these days.” I knew they were about me, but there was just enough ambiguity to leave room for doubt. Narcissists are masters at making you question yourself, after all. But it wasn’t long before the vague posts turned into a full-blown public smear campaign.
They started portraying themselves as the ultimate victim. According to their online persona, they were the one who had been betrayed, lied to, and left to pick up the pieces of their broken heart. Mutual friends, family members, even people I barely knew were commenting on their posts with words of support, offering up sympathy like they were the most wounded soul on the planet. Meanwhile, I was cast as the silent villain, with no opportunity to defend myself without looking like the bitter ex who just couldn’t let it go.
That’s the thing about narcissists — they’re masters of controlling the narrative. They use social media as a stage, and their life becomes one long performance. They carefully curate their posts, ensuring they present themselves as the charming, misunderstood hero while subtly (or sometimes not so subtly) vilifying the one who dared to leave. I was watching them build a new reality online — one where they were adored, pitied, and endlessly validated — while I was demonized in the court of public opinion.
Then came the private messages. “Hey, did you see what they posted?” “I don’t know what happened, but they’re really hurt.” Friends, people I thought were mine, were feeding me breadcrumbs of my ex’s manipulation, urging me to see things from their perspective. I felt trapped. If I responded publicly, I’d be painted as unstable or vengeful. If I stayed silent, I’d continue to be cast as the villain in their story. Either way, I was losing.
The final straw came when they started interacting with people I’d blocked — friends, even family members. They were commenting on photos of events they knew they weren’t invited to, tagging mutual friends in posts, and ensuring that everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of their presence. It was as if they were saying, “You might have left me, but I’m still in your life. You can’t escape me.”
But then I realized something. I didn’t need to play their game. Their social media circus, with all its flying monkeys and public performances, only had power over me if I let it. So I did what I should have done from the start. I blocked them on everything — Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I cut ties with the mutual friends who insisted on feeding me information about their latest post or comment. I stopped giving them the audience they craved.
And with that, I began to reclaim my peace. The silence was strange at first, almost eerie. But slowly, I started to feel something I hadn’t in a long time — freedom. Without the constant barrage of online manipulation, I could finally breathe.
My ex is still playing their social media games, still curating their perfect victim narrative. But I’m not watching anymore. And for the first time in a long time, I’m okay with that.
Weaponized Disappointment
You plan, they ruin. You hope, they dash it. This article dives deep into the tactics narcissists use to create a pattern of consistent disappointment and how they manage to turn even the simplest of expectations into a masterclass in sabotage. Sound familiar? You’re not crazy, but the disappointment might be by design.
Weaponized Disappointment: How Narcissists Master the Art of Ruining Everything by Anne B.
When I first met him, disappointment was the last thing on my mind. He was charming, attentive, full of promises — everything seemed too good to be true. Spoiler alert: it was.
It didn’t happen all at once. No, narcissists are far too clever for that. The first few disappointments were small, things you could easily brush off. A canceled date here, a missed phone call there. Life happens, right? At least that’s what I told myself. But slowly, those little letdowns started to multiply, and the excuses always seemed just plausible enough to make me question whether I was overreacting.
Before long, a pattern emerged. He’d promise something — a dinner, a weekend trip, even just picking up a simple task like grabbing groceries — and it would inevitably fall through. Every. Single. Time. And it wasn’t just the letdowns that hurt; it was the way he acted so shocked, so hurt, when I expressed my frustration. “Why are you being so dramatic? It’s not a big deal.” And suddenly, I was the unreasonable one for expecting him to follow through on his word.
But disappointment with a narcissist is not just bad luck or coincidence. It’s strategic, a finely tuned game of manipulation. They build you up, make you believe in something — sometimes even something as simple as a promise to spend time together — and then they rip the rug out from under you. The emotional whiplash keeps you constantly off balance, unsure of when the next disappointment will come but certain that it will.
What makes it worse is the sheer unpredictability of it all. Sometimes they’d follow through, and just when you think, Maybe it’s going to be different this time, they drop the ball again. The uncertainty keeps you hooked, waiting for the next moment of fulfillment that never quite seems to arrive.
And it’s not just the big things — narcissists weaponize disappointment in the smallest, most mundane ways too. They’ll tell you they’ll call, and they won’t. They’ll promise to help with a project, and then vanish when you need them most. It’s like they thrive on the chaos they create, on watching you grow frustrated and disillusioned, and then turning the tables to make you feel like the unreasonable one for caring so much.
The worst part is how it warps your sense of normalcy. After months or years of this, you begin to accept that disappointment is just part of the package. You lower your expectations, almost as if you’re bracing yourself for impact. You stop asking for things because the emotional cost of being let down feels too high. And that’s exactly what the narcissist wants — your silence, your compliance, your resignation.
This kind of disappointment isn’t just a personality quirk. It’s a form of control. Narcissists know that if they keep letting you down, you’ll eventually stop asking them for anything. You’ll stop expecting them to show up for you in any meaningful way, which is precisely what they want. They want to control the narrative, to dictate when and how things happen — or don’t happen — while making you feel as though you’re the one being unreasonable for asking for basic decency.
And when you finally confront them? They’re masters at spinning it. Suddenly, it’s your fault. You’re the one with unrealistic expectations, you’re too demanding, too sensitive. “I can’t believe you’re mad about something so small,” they’ll say, as if the years of broken promises and emotional abandonment don’t add up.
But the thing is, it’s never about the one canceled plan, or the one forgotten promise. It’s about the accumulation of them. It’s about how every little letdown chips away at your confidence, your hope, your belief that things could ever be different.
That’s how narcissists master the art of ruining everything — not with one grand betrayal, but with a thousand tiny disappointments that, over time, hollow out your sense of trust and leave you wondering why you ever believed in them in the first place.
The only way to break free from the cycle is to recognize it for what it is — weaponized disappointment. Once you see it, once you understand that these letdowns are not accidents or miscommunications but intentional tools of manipulation, you can start to rebuild. You can start to expect more from the people in your life, the kind of people who don’t make disappointment their favorite game.
October Focus: The Narcissist’s Halloween Mask
Narcissists are masters of wearing masks, pretending to be one person while hiding their true selves. This month, we unravel how narcissists craft these masks, why they wear them, and how you can see beyond the facade to protect yourself.
Unmasking the Narcissist: How They Craft Their Illusions and How You Can See Through Them
by Myla Morningstar
Narcissists are some of the best actors you’ll ever meet. They wear their masks like seasoned performers, crafting a carefully curated facade for each audience. When you first meet them, you’d never suspect that what you see is nothing more than a role they’ve perfected. They seem charming, charismatic, and attentive — sometimes even shy or vulnerable, depending on what suits the situation. But beneath that mask lies a completely different person, one who thrives on manipulation and control.
How Narcissists Craft Their Masks
Narcissists are experts at reading people. From the moment they meet you, they’re sizing you up, figuring out exactly what kind of person you want them to be. That’s the first step in how they craft their masks — they become a mirror, reflecting back to you the ideal version of themselves, the one that you’ll most easily connect with.
If you’re looking for someone to save, they’ll play the part of the wounded soul, needing your love and care to heal. If you’re independent and strong, they’ll wear the mask of a supportive partner who respects your autonomy. If you crave adventure, they’ll suddenly become spontaneous and daring. Whatever you want, they’ll provide — until their real motives come into play.
These masks aren’t random; they’re designed to gain your trust and admiration. Narcissists need adoration like the rest of us need air. They feed on it, and they’ll say and do anything to keep you hooked, playing their role to perfection. But the moment you stop feeding their ego, the cracks in their mask begin to show.
Why Narcissists Wear These Masks
Narcissists live in constant fear of being exposed. Beneath all the bravado and charm lies a deep well of insecurity. They cannot bear the idea of anyone seeing the truth of who they are — fragile, scared, and deeply flawed individuals. So, they wear these masks not just to manipulate you, but to protect themselves.
Their mask is a shield against the world, preventing anyone from getting close enough to see the person underneath. If you were to truly see them as they are, you might reject them — and that’s a possibility they can’t face. Narcissists believe that without their masks, they’d be unlovable, unworthy of admiration, and powerless. So, they construct these elaborate facades and play the roles they think will keep you enthralled.
But the mask isn’t just about gaining your admiration; it’s about control. By keeping you focused on the illusion, they control how you see them. They control the narrative, dictating the terms of your relationship and maintaining the upper hand. It’s all a game of manipulation — one where they’re always several steps ahead, keeping you dazzled by the mask while they quietly pull the strings.
How You Can See Beyond the Mask
The first step in seeing through a narcissist’s mask is to recognize that it’s there in the first place. If something feels too good to be true, it probably is. Narcissists are experts at love-bombing, overwhelming you with attention, gifts, and affection early on. They create an intense emotional connection very quickly, making you feel like you’ve found your soulmate or your best friend.
But pay attention to the patterns. Narcissists often cycle between extreme idealization and devaluation. One minute, you’re their everything, and the next, you’re not good enough. This back-and-forth is a hallmark of their manipulation, designed to keep you off balance and constantly seeking their approval.
Another key sign is how they react to criticism or boundaries. Narcissists hate being challenged. The moment you set a boundary or call them out on their behavior, you’ll notice a shift. They might become defensive, sulky, or even rageful. Their mask will slip, and you’ll get a glimpse of the real person underneath — the one who can’t handle anything that doesn’t feed their ego.
Also, be mindful of how they treat others. Narcissists are often charming in one-on-one settings, but their mask can slip in group dynamics. Watch how they interact with people they don’t deem useful to them — waitstaff, service workers, or even friends who aren’t currently boosting their status. You’ll often see flashes of entitlement, superiority, or disregard for others’ feelings, clues to who they truly are behind the mask.
Protecting Yourself
Once you see beyond the mask, the most important thing is to protect yourself. Narcissists aren’t likely to change — especially once you’ve seen through their facade. If you confront them directly, they’ll often double down on their manipulation or try to gaslight you into questioning your perception.
Here are a few steps to protect yourself:
- Set Boundaries Early and Firmly: Narcissists don’t respect boundaries, but setting them early sends a clear message that you won’t be easily manipulated. If they push back or try to guilt you for setting limits, it’s a sign you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
- Limit Emotional Vulnerability: Once you recognize someone as a narcissist, avoid giving them ammunition to use against you. Narcissists will take your fears, dreams, and vulnerabilities and twist them to maintain control over you. Be cautious about how much you share, and withhold anything that they could later use as leverage.
- Don’t Engage in Their Drama: Narcissists thrive on creating chaos. If they start stirring up drama, stay calm and disengage. Don’t feed into their need for attention or validation. The less reactive you are, the less power they’ll have over you.
- Seek Outside Support: Narcissists are masters at isolating their targets, making you feel like they’re the only one who truly understands you. Keep your support network close. Friends, family, or a therapist can offer a much-needed reality check when the narcissist’s manipulation has you questioning yourself.
- Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, trust that instinct. Narcissists rely on their masks to keep you guessing, but deep down, you’ll often feel that something isn’t quite right. Don’t ignore that inner voice telling you to be cautious.
The truth is, narcissists can wear their masks for only so long before the cracks begin to show. Their charm, their vulnerability, their charisma — it’s all an illusion carefully constructed to keep you in their orbit. But once you learn to recognize the signs, once you see the mask for what it is, you can protect yourself. You don’t have to fall prey to their manipulations. The power lies in your ability to see beyond the facade and reclaim your control.
What’s Coming Up:
We’re gearing up for November with a special focus on Narcissistic Family Dynamics. Expect articles on scapegoating, the golden child, and how narcissistic families create a lifetime of emotional confusion and self-doubt. Stay tuned!
Thank you for being a part of this community. Remember, no matter how many times you’ve been knocked down, you have the power to rise. Let this October be the month where you take one more step toward freedom and peace.
Wishing you clarity, strength, and resilience,
Myla Morningstar, Wendy_G
Editors, Tales From The Narc Side
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