The Ugh Diaries: dealing with debilitating anxiety and depression

Tamara J. Decker
Nov 6 · 3 min read

Exploring Tools and Teachings to Learn Fortitude and Get Out of Paralyzation

I have two so-dear-to-me relatives and one soul sister in a lot of emotional trouble right now and I feel completely unable to help them. Me — the woman who thought she had depression beat, who thought Kathmandu was a cure for anxiety (although KTM is definitely a balm). Alas, I’m still me. Abetted by psychosomatic illness, I’ve been in my own semi-debilitating funk since mid-August.

Once again, despite my tremendous fear of putting it out there, I wonder if documenting the raw stuff and what works in dealing with it might be able to help my fellow sufferers as well as myself. Deciding to try, I’ve permitted myself not to worry so much about being a great writer — just absolutely real. These short Quest posts are for those suffering from anxiety, depression, or dealing with someone struggling with mental illness. That said, I’m not a therapist and this is only my experience, using the teachings and tools I’ve studied to help me in my quest for fortitude.

Day I:

I’ve completely lost control of my meditation-trained mind. It’s bringing up all the unhelpful crap that makes me want to lock myself in the bedroom and never come out. I’m lazy I’m fat and ugly I’m defective I never finish what I start I’m a failure I’m worthless. Not surprisingly, my insides are rebelling with various symptoms of discomfort, especially my digestive tract.

Why do I battle the feelings, trying to numb out with food or Netflix, instead of simply letting them come? In running from them, my mind isn’t really fooled and my body scoffs at the charade. I’ve learned that there’s a great relief in allowing myself to feel what needs to be felt.

That said, if it was easy we’d all be doing it. I have to acknowledge that opening myself in such a way can lead to full-on panic. It’s often a stab of I’m going to die terror rather than the mild ache of uh oh, something’s wrong but let’s pretend everything is ok. Yet, from my own experience I know that if I can just hold on, the panic goes away and relief steps into its place.

Let’s try it now:

To begin, I sit comfortably in a safe place — my bed with the door locked. I say, “it’s ok to feel my feelings,” and tune in to the pain in my gut. What does it feel like? Sharp throbs, like lightning strikes around my rib cage. Suddenly, I want to get into the fetal position, my imagination showing me a picture of hiding under the bed. The panic totally takes over and my attention slides off into safe and uplifting thoughts like I’m too fat to fit under the bed and it’s probably dirty under there, you lame housekeeper. After a moment, however, I triumph by bringing my mind back, now following the needles in my stomach. After just a few moments of this, my body spontaneously sighs, followed by some longed-for relief. Realizing it isn’t actually over, I tune in again and find my heart racing. Staying with it until it slows a bit, I feel much calmer now than I did dealing with the stress of trying to push this stuff away. I can function now.

If you’re ever feeling paralyzed from anxiety or depression, you might give this a go. Let me know if it works for you.

I first learned how to start tuning in to my body with meditation. If you’re interested in knowing more, here’s a book recommendation: The Places that Scare You by Pema Chodron — one of my best and most influential teachers.

Tamara J. Decker

Written by

Forget serenity — I’m a neurotic on a Quest for Fortitude.

The Quest for Fortitude

Insights gleaned from my year of living uncomfortably

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