Mr. E Meets the Queen of Mars
A fast boat to the Red Planet
I knew the Private Eye business was going to be interesting, but I never guessed how worthwhile it was going to be.
Alphonse Aloisus Edgerton-Jones, PI: “Just call me Mr. E.” It really is easier to say.
OK, here’s the story… Did you know it was just going to be a story? Maybe you thought this was an advertisement for some weird Alien sex or a lottery ticket and a trip to some other star. People are bored these days. Do you remember what it was like when we were just our own little species on never visited forgotten Planet Earth? Thinking we were all that there was…
Fancy that.
So this is how I met the Queen of Mars.
I have an office on the back side of the Moon. It’s quieter there. Things on Earth have just gotten completely out of hand. I mean, who the fuck would have thought we were like, important … to anyone else? But that’s what happened.
When the first Aliens showed up, they didn’t care two hoots about meeting our politicians. (Actually, that was a big relief. I don’t want to say hi to them, either.) They didn’t want to invade us or invite us to join the Galactic Federation, either, (although we eventually did.) No, it just turned out that our particular solar system somehow happened to be a perfect refueling spot on their Galactic Silk Road. They didn’t even need anything from us, just lots of hydrogen and some other organics from Jupiter or Saturn. They don’t like Neptune or Uranus. I’m not even sure why.
So, wower kazower! We have got so many embassies and Galactic Fedex kind of companies, hotels for Aliens, you name it, here on old Planet Earth now… That’s what happened.
And they’ve got the same problems we always do: Kids, wives, husbands running off, business partners on the take, you name it. Life is ok for a PI with a little adventure in his soul! (Or stupidity.)
So one day there’s a knock at the door.
“Come on in.”
“Hello, Mr. E. You were recommended to me.”
“Well, I appreciate it. What can I do for you today?”
I always pretend to be cool. You don’t know WTF they’re gonna look like. This one, though, she took my breath away. 12 foot 9, and sort of like Dolly Parton meets the Sun. And the purple lavender perfume floating off of her made me feel like paper on the wall. Peeling.
“Oh, good! Thank you, Mr. E. I’m so glad I caught you. Do you mind if I take a seat?”
“No, ma’am, please do. Tea or coffee or…”
“Coffee, black. I’ve really learned to love it.”
“So, if you don’t mind me asking, who referred you?”
“The Alphaloreans said you were trustworthy — and discreet.”
“I see. And I can call you…”
“Florinda. It’s close enough. Anyway, I need your assistance in locating my daughter. I think she’s eloped.”
“Really.”
“Yes. In our culture, women are always on top, so to speak, but we have our standards.”
“Oh…”
“I wouldn’t mind if she had a hundred, or a thousand, extra lovers, but Glennis, I think, has gone too far.”
“Yes, ma’am. How’s the coffee?”
“Mr. E, it’s as strong as I like it, and you’re kind of cute, too.”
********
I have to give you a little background here. This wasn’t the first time I had worked with these particular Aliens, and they are tough cookies. They call themselves the Lotus Blowers. I couldn’t pronounce their real names if I tried. I’m Mr. E, so maybe it goes both ways. They’re from a strange planet with a buoyant atmosphere. I didn’t even know there was such a thing! But everything there just sort of floats. She had tits and legs and a voice that, well, they all were bigger than anything any human woman could ever aspire to, her voice, too: Music so liquid that I nearly spilled my coffee every time she spoke in my office that day — and I already knew what to expect.
Maybe I’m lucky. Maybe. I’ve gotten into some scary situations. Sometimes you think you have it all figured out. But, with Aliens, there’s always a surprise. Would you be a PI for Aliens? Could you think on your feet, when maybe your client didn’t have any?
I know: It seems a bit easy to say she looked like Dolly Parton! Aliens are Aliens, not us. They’re everything under 12,000 Alien Suns, so, super mesmerizing human women? Come on! But here’s how it happened….
You see, there have been Ancient Aliens on this Earth, and, about 50,000 years ago, just as we were starting to walk to Australia, and, yeah, yeah, getting it on with the Neanderthals and Denisovans, too, a Quantzal ship (the Quantzals are for another tale) just happened to zip through. They were refueling off the Jupiter cloud tops when they saw we had evolved far enough that they could talk to us now. The grass is greener, and some of us went back with them.
So, yes, I have met the Lotus Blowers, and they are us. Welcome home, I guess.
“Thank you, Mr. E. You do make the best coffee.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
*******
So, her daughter actually had eloped with a fellow from Mars, a real human from Elonville. He was kind of rich, in a Martian sort of way. He had cornered the market in Martian Brine Ooze, “MBO”, the underground liquid there that turned out to have aphrodisiac bio-enhancing properties for humans that no one could have expected.
You see, when the first humans reached Mars, we were expecting that there might be some simple unicellular organisms in the underground water pools we already knew existed, but what we weren’t ready for was this: Yep, we found the (seemingly) simple organisms we were expecting… What we weren’t expecting was the communication system they had evolved. Even though they appeared to be about as advanced as protozoa, they had group signaling molecules that allowed them to coordinate their DNA into a network intelligence that rivaled the power of any network of quantum AI’s we could ever develop here on Earth.
I mean, we had 3.8 billion years to play with evolution. And they did, too.
Oh, and, of course, what happened with them and us? It turned out that just a sip — just a fucking SIP — of MBO for a human, and then sex takes on a whole other dimension that, my friend, you’re not even ready for.
And this guy had cornered the market!
So, of course, she ran off with him. Glennis wasn’t a fool. She had plans. I wasn’t sure if I should even take the case, though.
“Why do you want her back so much? She’s an adult.”
“Mr. E, it’s a bit hard to explain. As you know, women on my homeworld can have 10,000 men — and we often do — but, well, here’s what it is: When we’re on vacation, and that’s what my daughter and I were up to when we came by your weird quaint planet … When we’re not at home, Mr. E, we have strict rules about getting it on with the natives. But this time…
“We’re not really natives.”
“Right. My mistake. We were both kind of curious. I mean, we’re related and all. We just had to see.”
“I feel the pull, too, ma’am. More coffee?”
“Thank you, I will. I didn’t mind at first, Mr. E. I mean, he was charming and rich, and quite intelligent. I have to admit, I didn’t really understand what MBO was about…”
“But now you do.”
“She has 5,768 husbands on our home planet, and this was just supposed to be a short vacation. They’re missing her.”
Standard speech: “My retainer is $4000 a day US, and you cover all the expenses … I’ll bring her back.” Damn, the family thing gets me every time. Besides, I could use a bit of that MBO myself. I certainly can’t afford it here, but, dude, the guy’s cornered the market!
******
I took a fast boat to Mars. It was expensive, but, hell, Florinda was covering it. All the way there, though, whenever I closed my eyes, I saw her. That lavender perfume made sure I did. Maybe I was hoping that, with some MBO, she might notice me when we got back. A guy’s gotta try, you know.
I found Glennis, and the rich guy, too. It wasn’t that hard (sorry, puns do slip in. Oh god, that’s another pun…) Yep, I found them. She had captivated the poor fellow so completely that he had signed papers to give his whole Martian Brine Ooze business over to her and her 5,768 husbands. Things do get complicated. (So easily in the PI business, it seems.) I told her how much her mother, and the husbands, were missing her, and she relented.
“Mr. E, he really is a sweet guy, and, I gotta tell you, this MBO stuff has been a blouse opener for me, but I’m a businesswoman, too. He’s agreed to be our agent here in Elonville, and, when I get back home, I anticipate a market for this stuff that, well, it’ll make us all rich.”
I like win-wins, or, anyway, it’s the excuse I give myself. I did get my own stash of MBO to take back, and, well, I’m getting a bit ahead of the story, but, Florinda decided to extend the vacation … for three months!
I like being a PI sometimes. Sure, I could have gotten a regular job.
But why be small when you can be big?
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© “John” Lesly Levin 2021
