Never Give Bitcoin to an Alligator
Even if he works for Putin
One time Mickey Mouse decided to become a Republican. I tried to talk him out of it.
“Mick, what do you have to gain by making such a stupid move?” I asked.
“I want to fuck DeSantis’ wife.”
“That’s illegal in Florida, Mick!”
“I know, but hard times require ingenious solutions.”
“I don’t get it, Mick. It sounds dumb to me,” I responsibly let him know.
“Yeah, I think so, too, but I’m working for Trump, and he calls the shots.”
“You’re working for Trump, dude??!!”
“Not exactly. Putin hired Trump. Trump hired me. Some Aliens from Planet 69 are in charge of the whole damn thing. They look like alligators and rob banks at night.”
~**~
Dear flabbergasted reader, are there times when your brain cells simply decide to give up, too?
“Well, my brain cells gave up when Daddy sent me off to military school,” Trump himself chimed in, while dousing a cheeseburger with hot sauce and licking his evil lips.
“Donny, is that really you?”
“I can show you my Depends, if you don’t believe me.”
“That’s OK, whoever you really are, but why, Donny, why?”
“Putin told me I hadn’t undermined enough of American Democracy yet. The Aliens from Planet 69 hadn’t been doing a good job robbing banks to raise money for my legal bills and to finance purchases of Sherman tanks to send to Russia, either…”
“Donny, the last time we used Sherman tanks was like in 1945!”
“Putin is desperate.”
“Well, I guess that’s one thing you’ve said that isn’t a lie.”
“Yeah, that’s what Melania yelled the first time I pulled my mushroom thingy out.”
“What wasn’t a lie?”
“That I had a picture of Adolf giving a Nazi salute on the shaft.”
“Not on the head?”
“The tattoo artist refused.”
~**~
Just then two mean looking alligators drove up, armed to the teeth, well, with even more teeth!
“We need a getaway driver for our next bank job. The Aliens told Putin to get you, John.”
“How does Putin even know I exist?”
“The Chinese lady who planted spyware in Trump’s bathroom at Mar-a-Lago also visited you.”
“She said she was a professional, but I thought she was referring to something else,” I remorsefully remembered. “But you guys are alligators. You’re involved with Putin and Trump both! And you rob banks!”
Just then Mickey interrupted, “They don’t pay their bills, either.”
“What bills, Mick?” By this time, my head had quit spinning and had landed on a chorizo sausage in the fridge, trying to pretend it was a tomato (my brain, that is.) All the other tomatoes in the vegetable bin went on strike at the pure insult of it all and called Putin, who then had a seance on subspace radio with the Aliens — right, from Planet 69 — who then called DeSantis’ wife to expose Mickey, who got the word, and promptly left for Cancun to meet with Ted Cruz and make sure those Sherman tanks arrived in Crimea on time.
But Ted was too busy doing a drug deal and ignored Mickey entirely. The tanks didn’t arrive on time, which wouldn’t have helped Putin, anyway. The Aliens got mad. They fired the alligators, who didn’t know how to rob banks in the first place. DeSantis’ wife announced she was a furry on TikTok. Mickey just smiled and caught the first flight back to Florida. Donny went back to military school after Elizabeth Warren, while investigating the school’s shady crypto dealings, discovered Trump’s academic records, and that he was so crooked there that he had mistakenly used the dean’s dog to take his SATs and had not actually graduated because the dog had graduated instead!
And Putin got mad because his escape flight to Planet 69 fell through, although Navalny said ‘You can have my bed at the penal colony,’ but…
Holy god, you may be asking, will DeSantis win the Republican presidential nomination?
No, my friends, Mickey will.
