Real Meditation Means Stopping Time
And has other useful qualities, too
One time a dick decided he’d become Enlightened. His owner, who was more interested in immediate things, was not aware what this Spiritual Dick was up to, but when the poor fellow was making love the next time, and it went on and on and on, rather than the 2.5 minutes he was used to, he decided to ask his dick what the hell was going on?
“I’ve stopped time,” his dick told him, “and I forget, you know, to have the orgasm thing.”
“Wow,” his owner exclaimed, “I’ve been TRYING to do that for years, but…”
“I know. You were only lasting 2 1/2 minutes.”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“The trick,” his dick then told him, “is to let the Emptiness fuck YOU. Then who cares about time?”
“Well, I guess I’ve been fucked,” his supposed owner then said.
And the two of them have been friends ever since.
~***~
The problem with stopping time, as I see it, anyway, is that ChatGPT is not too sure how to train on that. Where can you find that URL to scrape, then? Here you are crawling through the internet, learning how humans think, and suddenly you run into a wall constructed of, well, I’ll just call them Time Bodhidharma Bricks, TBBs. Why TBBs, you may ask? Well, the Emperor of China had the same question when he met Bodhidharma in like 500 CE at the southern border of China. ‘Ol B was on his way over from India to teach all the Taoist Monks in China his new method of meditation, which eventually became known as zazen. The Taoist Monks were having a hard time, it seems. Why a hard time? Well, they had all discovered TANTRIC TIME TRAVEL! and were wasting what little sexual energy they had left watching episodes of Kung Fu on the new Subspace Streaming Platform that also always comes with a Time Travel Subscription! It’s fun, but I can tell you, if you get hooked on this shit, you won’t get anything done.
“You’re lying to the readers, John,” my new Spiritual Dick intoned in his otherwise melodious voice which he uses to attract babes. Well, he calls them babes, but it’s a little more than that, guys. I mean they’re from all the exoplanets this side of Sagittarius A*, even the ones with gravity 12 times that of Earth!
And why do I mention that, dear jealous male readers? Well, dudes, 12 times the gravity means some serious muscles, and by the time they get done with me at night … I understand what a Black Hole means.
“John! You’re trying to get out of having a serious discussion on meditation again!” my Interstellar Dick told me. “Stick to the subject!”
Oh, OK… Let me see, yeah, well, as I previously mentioned, my Tantrical Johnson really had learned how to stop time, and it does have something to do with Bodhidharma (and the Emperor of China, too) because, as you may know, Bodhidharma cut off his own eyelids so he could stay awake staring at a wall for 9 years until he could become Enlightened. But that’s not really true.
Would you cut off your own fucking eyelids on some weirdo meditation trip when you could time travel and watch Kung Fu on Subspace Streaming instead? Of course not!
And this gets me back to the Emperor of China again. The story goes that the Emperor had heard of Bodhidharma’s meditation reputation and wanted to meet him. ‘Ol B is said to have met the Emperor with one shoe on his foot and one on his head. When the Emperor asked him what the meaning of his teaching was, B just said “Emptiness, no holiness.”
That, at least according to me, is the best statement in all of meditation, but the Emperor of China was actually more interested in sex, well, just like me! And probably just like you, too, if you’re still reading this weird story.
“John, I’m more interested in stopping time,” my own Meditative Dick interjected not too innocuously. “That’s why you’re able to fuck even Alien Babes all night long now, even the ones with those huge muscles…”
“From 12 times the gravity!” I amazingly and animatedly annunciated. “Thank you, old friend.”
“It’s just a byproduct of the real thrill, JJ.” (He likes to call me JJ.) “It has nothing to do with Jeremiah Johnson,” he always says. But I know better.
OK! OK! Back to the Emperor of China. Bodhidharma really did bring zazen to China, but all the Taoist Monks were watching Kung Fu on Subspace Streaming instead and forgetting all about meditation. And the Emperor just didn’t know what to do! So actually what happened was the Emperor invited B to his Forbidden Palace to strategize. Bodhi said, “Well, why not? I’ve come all the way from Kanchipuram in south India, and my feet are pretty fucking sore. I could use a hot bath and some relaxation. Why not?”
So off they went, and that’s when the Emperor introduced Bodhi to his favorite Court Taoist Advisor who told the both of them they should just quit worrying about the Taoist Monks wasting their time with Kung Fu and time travel, and just fucking relax a bit! Jeez, even Emperors and famous Buddhists should just chill out sometimes, you know.
“You’re getting all lost again, JJ,” my own Happy Johnson reminded me. And he was right. Bodhidharma, the Emperor, the Taoist Monks, and everybody else are still stuck in 500 CE.
But Kung Fu ran for almost 3 glorious years not quite 50 years ago. People say it may have helped end the Vietnam War. Well, maybe it didn’t, but then again, who am I to say, grasshopper?
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© “John” Lesly Levin 2023
PS — This article really is about meditation. That may not make sense to you, and if it doesn’t and just gets you to laugh instead, that’s actually quite good. The standard definition of meditation these days is “mindfulness,” but I disagree. It’s about stopping time. My favorite Zen quote is from Dōgen, who said (before the year 1200 CE in Japan) “Everyone thinks time is passing them by. They’re wrong. It stays right where it is.”
And think about it: “Mindfulness” helps you to be calm, but so does cannabis. And no one has gotten Enlightened from just smoking weed.
“But what about LSD, John?” my Nonsanctimonious Johnson joked.
“Shut up!” I had to tell him. “Jerry Garcia didn’t get Enlightened, either.”
“But Robert Hunter may have.”
I gotta give it to my Spiritual Johnson. He often has a point.
PSS — You do have to think about these things… The word “Enlightenment” simply means becoming Light. And we all know, or should, that, to a photon, time really has just gone to zero.
As far as the Subspace Streaming goes, I’ll just have to ask Captain Picard.
“Engage, John!”
“Yes, Captain.”
