The Aspen Who Joined Us
His adventures as a human
I heard that one time an aspen tree decided to become a human.
“Dude, are you mad?” his clone brothers and sisters asked.
“What’s the problem with it?” he inquired. “All these cars full of people come every fall to enjoy our leaves turning. They seem harmless enough.”
“You’re not informed.”
So they educated him. Well, the poor guy was shocked. But he did it, anyway.
On his first day as a human, he decided to get a job. “What kind of experience do you have?” the interviewer wanted to know.
“Well, I’m very patient. I come from a large family, and I know how to get along with everybody.”
“But can you lie?”
“What’s that?” he asked.
Well, after the interviewer had explained the requirements of working in a large human corporation, the aspen tree started to understand what everybody had been warning him about, so he got a simple job as a cook at a little neighborhood pizza joint. He was pretty good at it, and he loved that he was able to feed lovers on dates, families on a night out, and even lost souls not knowing where they were going at 2 AM. Things went ok for awhile, but one night … the place got robbed!
Our lovely and patient tree, still new to the nefarious ways of humans, suddenly felt the cold muzzle of a 9mm Glock on his bark….
“Stick ’em up, sucker, and show me the safe!”
So he stuck ’em all up at once, all of his heart-shaped leaves, that is. The robber was knocked over flat. All the cooks, dishwashers, waiters, and waitresses who were in the kitchen jumped on the creep at the same time. His gun went flying, and … all over the Internet the next morning:
*** “Hero Tree Captures Elusive Late Night Kitchen Robber!” ***
He was the toast of the town. Even Jake Tapper from CNN wanted to interview him. “I’ve never interviewed a tree before,” Jake offered.
“There’s a lot that’s new for me, too,” the aspen nodded.
“Do you have a name?”
“You can just call me Fred.”
“Well, Fred, were you at all scared?”
“Not really, Jake. Compared to a sub-zero night at 10,000 feet, this wasn’t too bad.”
You see, even though Fred had decided to become a human, he still had a head full of green leaves, arms and legs that almost seemed like branches (with all those leaves, too, of course,) and his body was covered in the most exquisite cool white bark you could ever touch.
Those feet, though, with the roots just sprouting everywhere, well, all I can say is that Nike hadn’t thought about that model at all yet.
“What message do you have for the rest of us, who don’t have the broad outlook that you must have?” Jake wanted to know.
“Well, gosh, just listen to the sun, pay attention to the rain and the snow, and remember to feel your roots. That’s really all I’ve ever done.”
And that’s how it all got started. A lot of Fred’s cousins, nieces, and nephews decided to give humanness a try, too, and today you can go into any large, mid-sized, or small town in America. and get the best pizza — and calzones! — the freshest garlic bread, and, I have to tell you, the Aspen Pale Ale is as crisp as it gets. Just look for the sign with a golden heart-shaped leaf, a fall-in-love blue sky and a straight-up forest that will never be deterred.
You can tell them Fred sent you, but, then, he sent me, too.
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© “John” Lesly Levin 2021
