The New Pet Snail Challenge
On the internet now
Do snails have brains?
Just this morning, I turned on NPR and heard the oddest tale:
Pet snails are all the rage
on the Internet,
latest thing.
I don’t get it.
Perhaps there’s an aspect of companionship.
They’re vegetarians,
I think.
But what if they’re not?
“Giant Carnivorous Snail Eats Owner!” -
Even the bones!
Digesting them to slime,
to make new little baby snails,
and, oh, the tales
they’ll tell
on Facebook pages
dedicated to snails.
Do snails also have political fights,
just like us?
Are there Progressive snails
still sad at Bernie’s loss,
crying in the garden,
lost in a mad jungle
of revenge and dark moss?
Dear god, I hope
the Trumpy snails
will move out of the White House
with him
come January 20th…
We need an app, though,
to listen to their tiny tiny voices,
slow down and amplify
that snaily speech,
so we can understand:
“Fraud, fraud, fraud!
Donny won!
He stands resplendent in the sun!”
Orange, of course,
without a horse
to ride far to the South,
Mar-a-Lago in the morning!
Arriving to applause
from an International Staff,
imported on the cheap.
No walls built in Florida!
Trump announces,
“Welcome to all!
Just help me get fat.”
OK… snails and politics…
But what about science?
Now it’s leading me back
to their fabulous brains,
curious about our Cosmos,
driven to understand,
subtly and in depth,
how all the mysteries work…
So don’t eat a snail,
even if you’re French.
You might kill Snail Einstein,
and create a Cosmic stench.
That Giant Black Hole,
Sagittarius A, at the Center
of the great Milky Way…
will come 25,000 light-years
to eat you, creep!
You deserved it.
You should have thought twice!
Please take all my snail loving
advice.
When a snail slides by
next time,
give him some room
to advise you about important matters,
long meetings on Zoom.
You have an app!
You can listen.
It might even help.
MY snail told me,
“John, just stop eating kelp.
They do it in Japan,
but you’re not that man.
You know who you are!
You’re not on the lam.”
Now come on… I NEVER
would have figured that out.
I was lost in a pout,
just fighting to be loved,
feeling so sad,
When a snail came to save me
from my own stupid thoughts…
So France, I say “Fuck you!
Stop eating the Gurus
of love, peace, and justice
now.”
Snail pets on the Internet:
They’re now all the rage.
We’re launched to the Future,
a new Golden Age.
So, Dear Friends,
drop all your rage.
The snails have all found us.
And, with joy,
they surround us…
(Except for the carnivorous ones,
so do be careful.)
