Turtles, Absolute Reality, & You
Sage advice from a Cretaceous survivor
I heard that one time a turtle decided to become religious. He started praying to the Turtle God, who, he was told, lived in Outer Space, along with his supernatural Turtle Dad, but whose Mom had never been invited.
“How will I know if the Turtle Dad can hear me?” he asked the expert on these matters, a guy named Turtle Osteen, whom he had seen on TV.
“Well,” the Turtlevangelist told him, “you will feel a warm feeling just under your shell, and then you can send me some money so I can buy gas for my Lamborghini.”
“But doesn’t Turtle Dad supply you with gas?” the poor boy wondered.
“Well, I tried using my Outer Space Card at the gas station,” Reptile Osteen told him, “but they all just laughed at me.”
At that point, the little green turtle felt that warm answer-to-prayer spot under his shell getting downright hot! Realizing he had really been left in the soup, he quickly jumped out, and never bothered with this sort of nonsense again.
~**~
You may wonder what turtles really do have to do with the
Well, if you do, you’re a bigger fool then me, but I’m right up there. Turtles, you see, have been around for at least 260 million years. They’ve survived both the Permian/Triassic Mass Extinction and the asteroid at the end of the Cretaceous, too.
Hell, I’m wondering if I’ll survive to the next paycheck.
Perhaps you are, too.
Do turtles have bank accounts?
No! They are way too smart for that. WE, however, believe in Supernatural Doodoos who live in Outer Space (what we now should realize “Heaven” actually is.) Back in the time of Jesus, though, it made perfect sense for all-powerful spiritual beings to go flying up to eternal spaces of pure happiness where you, too, could go if you were a good boy or girl.
Or that Other Place, if you were not.
Well, maybe there was something to it… Today we drill Holes to Hell where we extract little bits of Hell, which we then burn in order to bring Hell to Earth.
Crap, it looks like we’re succeeding.
Turtles, can you give us advice on how to survive?
“No, John, we don’t even think you guys would listen.”
“But, Turtle, I gave money to Turtle Osteen! I was so concerned he would run out of gas on the freeway in Houston, and some badass dudes would steal his hubcaps!”
“We don’t need his hubcaps, John, just the catalytic converter.”
“You guys are criminals?”
“We’re turtles, John. We survive.”
~**~
Hmmm, turtles have been around for 260,000,000 years, don’t get fooled by religion, can remember the dinosaurs, and all with a brain the size of a jellybean!
Can you claim that?
“Don’t forget that we can fly in Outer Space, too.”
“Really?”
“How do you think we survived two mass extinctions?”
“I didn’t know.”
“You don’t know much, John.”
“I realize that now. But how do you do it?”
“That’s why we developed these shells. We tuck in all our soft parts, and then it’s a space suit!”
“Wow. But what do you use for propulsion in Outer Space?”
“Algae farts.”
“Seriously?”
“Listen, John, if you ate enough algae, you’d fart that much, too.”
~**~
So, there you have it, folks.
But, hell, talking with this turtle was even better than ChatGPT. So I asked him how to make money on the internet….
“Don’t try to be an Influencer, John.”
“I already gave up on that.”
“Be a Router Repair Person ... And quit farting.”
“But that algae tastes pretty good.”
“That’s why all us turtles have decided to play dumb. Whenever we give you guys advice, you screw it up.”
“My girlfriend told me the same thing.”
“She’s smarter than you, John.”
~**~
And now I know how right she is.
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© “John” Lesly Levin 2023
