One Size Does Not Fit All
Not in sweaters, and not in relationships.
Imagine you’re in the mall, looking to buy a sweater. In every store you look through, there are sweaters: they’re all the same size and come in varying shades of gray. You go from store to store — and though some sweaters are more expensive and made of different materials — you find essentially the same thing.
You see other people around you buying and wearing sweaters. Sometimes they fit just right, but a lot of the time they’re too big or too small or just don’t compliment that person’s style. People seem to accept this. Some dress around their sweaters or add colorful accessories and brooches, some have tailored their sweaters to fit, and some have completely altered the shape of their sweater to fit their needs and styles.
But almost everyone you see — in public, on television, everywhere — has the same sweater.
By sweater, I mean relationship: there’s the metaphor.
When we are taught about relationships, we are given some pretty basic guidelines to go by: two people, preferably of the “opposite” gender, monogamous, on the track for marriage and kids. Usually, the “ideal” relationship (as portrayed by the media at least) is between two young, able-bodied, reproductive, and (to a degree) white middle-to-upper class individuals. And we tend to define our worth as humans partly by our participation (or lack thereof) in such relationships.
Though some aspects of this Relationship Archetype have evolved over the years (for example, to include more room for both partners to pursue careers and non-heterosexual pairings), the same basic concepts still govern how we interact with our relationships. These concepts are reinforced by media, religion, and culture — making them inescapable.
And since we’re each taught that all relationships are the same, we assume our own relationships will automatically fit. Such assumptions understandably lead to uncommunicated expectations, and a lack of communication or negotiation.
Consequently, when a friend or partner — whatever relationship you’re in — fails to act the way we expect, we feel upset. Instead of communicating, we lament that they are not doing things the way they “should” be done. Worst of all? We often don’t realize we’re engaging in these kinds of thought processes or behaviors, essentially setting ourselves up for failure.
It can take a significant amount of trial, error, experimentation, and self-examination to break out of the cycle of unspoken relationship expectations. It’s difficult just to recognize when you have those expectations. Even harder to admit and communicate such realizations to a partner. Most of us are not given the tools to do so. But removing the assumption that there is a “one-size-fits-all,” or “OS,” relationship does at least open up the channels for the necessary collaboration to create a relationship that actually fits. It’s not easy, but it is rewarding in the end.
Such awareness is key for alternative relationships as well. Monogamous relationships are not the only ones subjected to this “OS” attitude. Many times I’ve heard polyamorous lifestyle folk evangelize how polyamory fixed all of their relationship problems and will fix everyone else’s as well. That just isn’t true, or realistic.
People are unique. We all have our own individual needs and desires. And different relationship structures jive for different people. So why “make it work” when you could instead collaborate to create something that fits you and your relationship(s)?
It’s time to extend beyond our limited sense of relationships and consider all the possibilities. To continue the metaphor, sweaters are one way, but there are also cardigans, and trenchcoats, and pea coats, and no sweaters at all!
That’s not to say the sweaters in this metaphor are necessarily bad or worthless: they can fit, or you can find ways to make them work. Whether that’s unraveling the yarn and knitting something new or adding your own personal touch, the sweater is not the problem. Assuming that the sweater is the only possibility is where the problem lies.
Although we can never completely escape the scaffolding we as humans have created for our relationships, we can dismantle and re-use the parts. We can experiment, communicate, and custom-tailor something to fit our needs and desires.
We can knit our own sweaters, together.
Caitlin Murphy is a sexuality professional, writer, consultant and occasional visual artist currently residing in Philadelphia, PA, when they’re not traveling. Among other honors, they were once referred to as a Level 5 Glitter Elemental. When they’re not writing or teaching about sex toys, Caitlin can generally be found with their plants — #PlantParenthood — as well as at www.sex-ational.com and @sex_ational.
