My Experience Being Blue in a State of Ruby Red
It’s still confusing to me to wrap my head around my experience growing up in Norman, Oklahoma. I was one of a small group of Southern progressives in an otherwise deep red state. Each county in Oklahoma went red in the 2008, 2012, and 2016 general elections. In 2008, OK was the only state to go 100% red, in 2012, it joined Utah in going 100% red, and in 2016, it reverted back to being the only 100% red state in the general election. At the same time, I lived in a liberal college town (by Oklahoman standards). Many would describe my upbringing as being part of the “liberal bubble” or “echo chamber,” and my membership in this progressive enclave contributed to my sense of self.
Like most people, I spent most of my early adulthood dismissing those who disagree with me about politics. If I could give my 15-year-old self some advice, it would probably be to take a closer look at those in my hometown, who while not sharing my views, were amenable to a conversation about it. Truth be told, teenagers (at least in my hometown in the mid 2000s) weren’t the easiest to have a conversation about politics with. In my experience our political ideologies are tied not only to our identities as individuals but also to our feelings of family loyalty and collective identity. It’s easy to see how this breeds an “Us v. Them” mentality. For many of my peers, adopting the political attitudes of their families was a given. When their views were challenged, it triggered a fight-or-flight response or, at best, forced them to relieve their cognitive dissonance by ignoring the issue.
I remember the first time that I asked someone why they held a different political view. I had just come back home for winter break in 2010, and started becoming closer with a high school classmate of mine that I hadn’t seen in a few years. I knew he held different views — he had voted for McCain in 2008, but he was the first person that I actually asked why they felt the way they did about politics. Because he was my friend, I was far more willing to listening. Yet, I did start off the conversation the same way that many of us are accustomed to seeing in political discussions e.g. by using terms that are reflective of positions, such as “fiscal conservative”.
I am currently a student in Negotiation Workshop at Harvard Law School, and we have been taught to acknowledge, actively listen, and inquire as to why someone feels or believes the way that they do. This workshop reminded me of what happened when I did a deeper dive and actually asked my friend more about why they held their views. Two things happened: (1) a lot of their views were rooted in family preferences, and (2) he held some views where I felt we actually had common ground. The conversation veered into one where we were able to analyze the best ways to achieve common goals, instead of a frustrating trade of positional values, which political conversations unfortunately often devolve into.
Back then, I wish I’d understood that my positional political preferences were motivated by my underlying interests and my sense of the options available so that I could have communicated better with others. Framing issues in terms of values and interests, versus positions, can have a much bigger impact that we may initially expect. Earlier today, Eric Lesser, current Massachusetts state senator, noted in a speech that he was still able to connect with voters in his hometown (which tends to reflect traditionally more conservative demographics) on the issue of transgender rights by framing the fight for rights in part as protection of vulnerable children. Whatever one’s thoughts are on this framing (and I’m not endorsing it one way or the other), it is important to note that reframing can help people feel connected even with issues that originally felt polarizing and/or irrelevant to their lives.
I also wish I’d known to inquire more about people’s life experiences and to listen actively to what they say. Inquiry about beliefs may get someone part-way to fostering an unexpected connection, but following up on actual life experiences critically helps people feel that they are being heard. This is important because fosters a desire to reciprocate — when someone is kind and listens to us, it is hard to deny them a chance to speak — that helps set the tone for a learning conversation. In a Negotiation simulation earlier this semester, I played the role of a politician talking to a frustrated voter about the current state of events. When the voter was laying out her concerns, I asked follow up questions so that she felt understood. [Add something about the outcome — did you resolve a disagreement? Did you end up understanding one another?] Sometimes a particular experience shapes the views they hold today, and deep emotional factors beyond what a person relays in conversation are at work. Being able to read subtext is key.
Negotiation Workshop encourages me that we can learn how to disagree about politics more productively because I have seen how some simple tactics can help keep a conversation on track. For example, I have learned that asking for advice can help reframe an issue when someone gets heated. In a class simulation last week, the other party was feeling frustrated and said that they didn’t think I was who they thought I was when I explained that I hoped to pursue politics. Instead of getting defensive, I asked them what it would take for them to be that person for them again? That question prompts an entirely different answer, one that tends to be more insightful and allows you to take action or respond in a way that allows the conversation to become productive.
This does not mean that it will be easy. Real talk time: as a woman of color, I think it can be particularly hard when you feel that the person you’re speaking to on the other hand is coming from a place of privilege or is asking you to justify your personhood. Real talk time part 2: sometimes, people are just zealots, and maybe they’re not the ones you’ll be able to have fruitful conversations with. But at the end of the day, there is this middle ground of people that you might be able to talk to and connect with that as a 15 year old growing up in Oklahoma I never thought existed.
