Learning to talk to strangers
In Joe Keohane’s book The Power of Strangers, he writes about his parents being intuitive connectors — happy to have a conversation with anyone and making friends wherever they go. Whether it’s the way we live now, or just that I’ve got stuck in a rut, it struck me that this was not me — in spite of attending workshops, collaborating with others for work, and having lived in the same neighbourhood for nearly 10 years, I do not find connections happening spontaneously or with ease.
So I signed up to a course also mentioned in Joe’s book Transformational Conversations. A six week conversation course with Georgie Nightingall, who over the last few years has helped thousands of people make conversations their superpower.
Transformational conversations Week 1: Getting unstuck from small talk
Week 1 was focussed on “small talk”. That often awkward road on the way into, or that completely bypasses, an enriching conversation. Here are three things I learned:
I’m not the only one with head talk…
It was so reassuring to learn I’m not the only person who is juggling the main task of conversation alongside a voice in my head giving a running commentary on my conversation partner and me, thinking about what to say next, worrying about taking a wrong step, being boring, strange or getting it wrong.
We have to break our habits to break the script
How are you?
I’m good. How are you?
What do you do for work?
I am a teacher/scientist/researcher.
How’s your lockdown been?
Yawn!
We’ve developed some topics that are “safe” ways into a conversation, but these have become so habitual, we often don’t even think of what we’re asking or saying in response. How many times have you said “I’m good” while actually having an incredible or a terrible week. These small talk questions and answers have become so automatic they’ve bypassed engagement and authenticity. If we want to break free of the small talk trap, we need to break the conversation habits we’ve formed.
Using curiosity, experiments and intentional practice
In week one, we’ve been given ideas for ways to break out of these habits. As well as practice in the class, we were set some tasks for our everyday lives.
The first step is applying a deep sense of curiosity to our interactions — being genuinely curious in our interactions and spotting the potential ways to start or shape a conversation away from a well trodden path
The second, is trying things out, whether that’s sparking up conversations with strangers or in our everyday conversations. How can we start it differently, how can we spot the more interesting rather than habitual paths through conversations
The final is recognising that, at least at first, this is going to require intentionality and regular practice. Thinking about new ways to open conversations, fresh responses to default small talk openers and being more deeply curious in conversations.
Week one’s practice has been fun and helped me understand quite how much of a behaviour change challenge this is going to be. I’ve chatted to strangers on trains (really rewarding), tried to apply it to conversations with my 2 year old niece (slightly more challenging), used it in chatting to colleagues. I’ve found new ways into conversations which help bypass the habitual small talk. Learning from Georgie, bringing an awareness and intentionality to conversations, and meeting a wonderful group to go on this adventure with has already opened my eyes. I can’t wait for the next five weeks of the course!
