What do you hear?
Learning to talk to strangers: Week 4
I’ve been attending a 6 week course Transformational Conversations led by Georgie Nightingall. Each week I’m sharing a few things about what I’ve learned.
I think most people would admit that they could do with honing their listening skills. In a world filled with external distractions and minds busy with thoughts it’s easy to find yourself not fully present. What we learned this week is that it’s not just about devoting undivided attention to a conversation*, but what you are listening for, and how this shapes conversations.
* Although getting your phone out of sight might not be a bad idea too, the mere presence of a phone can affect your interactions.
Listening for the ladders in conversation
I think the big revelation this week was that listening in conversations isn’t just about listening more or harder. It’s about what we listen for and how we choose to respond. Perhaps there’s a different skill in listening to engage versus listening to consume. When we listen for consumption — like listening to a brilliant podcast or watching your favourite Netflix series; we listen for ourselves — to be absorbed, to feel and learn. On the other hand, when we are doing it as part of a conversation our listening plays a different role. It can make the person we are engaging with feel heard in a deeper and more meaningful way. Attuned listening can also help us find different paths to follow. But what are we listening for? Which is where the listening levels come in.
Georgie introduced us to three types of listening. These are great for either practicing yourself, or spotting in your daily conversations and reflecting on how they make you feel.
Level 1: listening to respond. In this mode we are listening to join the dots. Looking to find connection back to ourselves in the conversation. How does it sound in practice?
Conversation partner: “I just came back from the gym”
Level 1 Listening: “Oh I hate/love the gym… I went yesterday… I did X, Y, Z… what did you do?”
Listening at level 1 poses a risk of hijacking conversations. Our partner has shared something about themselves and instead of being curious and delving deeper, we bring ourselves into the conversation. We, perhaps mistakenly, assume that our experience is so similar that we don’t bother to inquire more. It’s not that commonalities are always bad, it’s just that we can do better.
Level 2: listening for facts. At this level we are inquiring and listening for the finer details and practicalities.
Conversation partner: “I just came back from the gym”
Response (level 1): “What classes/exercises did you do? How long have you been going? Do you go alone or with someone else?”
Again, it’s ok to be inquisitive about facts. Sometimes it can be really helpful to learn the details. But it grounds the conversation in a very tangible and practical realm. And, it can be limiting — a bit more like an interview than a conversation. It tends to be quite superficial, and for our conversation partner they are sharing things they already know.
Level 3: listening for experience. At the third level we start to ask about the why behind people’s experiences. It relies on curiosity and asking questions that open conversations up.
Conversation partner: “I just came back from the gym”
Response (level 1): “ I’m wondering how you feel after you’ve been? What keeps you going back to the gym? What do you connect with while you’re there? It seems like you’re really committed, what drives that?”
At level three we remove a lot of assumptions and judgements. In our time together this week, we saw how differently we felt when our practice focussed on level 3 — the conversation opened up, we felt more connected, and we learned new things about ourselves as the questions prompted a deeper level of reflection.
Learning to understand the different choices we have in how we engage can be really powerful, it is a subtle shift that makes a huge difference. Just by paying attention to noticing the levels or by trying it out in your conversations you can start putting it into practice today.
